Boiled Parsnips 58: Group Activities

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0:47Okay, Andy, nice to see you. Black T-shirt listeners. It says sparks on the front, I think. Yeah, it's representing the profession of electricians. Ah, right, not fireworks night. Not fireworks night yet? No, of course not. You might be able to tell, Bob, from my voice that I'm a little bit croaky. Right. I'm suffering from what I'm regarding now as a rollover cold. Oh, shit. It was a cold that I had last week. Yeah. And it kind of didn't go away, and then it's come back in a new form. So I'm calling it a rollover cold. I don't know if that's a medical phenomenon, but that's what I've got. Well, it's a very helpful description.

1:31Now, Andy, let's dig down into this. So the symptoms in the first manifestation were what? Congestion. What, in the street outside? Sorry, go on. And a cough. Right. And a bit of a sore throat. and then it kind of went away and then it's just come back the same, pretty much. But with more sneezing this time. I'm sneezing more. Righty-ho. Oh, it'd be lovely to be there with you and your little terrestre house with the germs. Just to the left, I've got a huge pile of used tissues just to the left. Just out of shot that you can't see. Okay, well, you have my sympathy, Andy. My mum always used to say feed a cold, starve a fever.

2:23I can never remember which way that goes. Starve a cold for sure, so get tugging in. Well, I've not had any booze for nearly two weeks now, so maybe that's a problem. Yeah. Occasionally when I was younger, in my 20s, if I got a cold, I used to get absolutely hammered. And occasionally you would wake up without a cold. Put the massive hangover. Yeah, well, you have my sympathies. I know you like the band Sparks. Have you heard their contribution to the new Gorillaz album? I have not, no. I think you might like it very much. Check it out. Well, get a load of you up to speed with the modern music.

3:07Talking of eating, I've just noticed in front of me the remnants of it. I've just had, let's play a game in fact, I've just had a sort of very traditional North Yorkshire sweet treat. Do you want to guess what it is? I'll say, fuck off, Bob, just tell us what you've eaten. A North Yorkshire sweet treat? I didn't know there was such a thing. Yeah. The sort of thing you'd get at Betty's, do you know what I mean? Or at an old bakery. In the sort of North Yorkshire parish. Yeah, I don't know. Just fucking tell us. All right. I've just had a curdy tart. Have you ever had one? I've never had one. I've never heard of one.

3:49Oh, they're delicious. and here's a tip Andy which I really encourage you to follow up. You can go onto the Betty's website and mail order 4K Detail. Okay. I'd love to hear your feedback. I think they're like heavenly. It's up to you. Alright that's something to know. Hey how old do you think the world's oldest horse might be? I think they live do you know? I do yeah. 67. Let's come back to that later on. um i've got some names i've got some names for you all right you can be i mean obviously you can be honky-tonk if you wanna um or you can be the king of pittsburgh he's never actually been to pittsburgh or indeed even the united states of america but he got a king of pittsburgh vest from the age concern shop and he goes around just pointing at people that are doing stuff and he says, that wouldn't fly in Pittsburgh, no sir!

4:49Also the vest is two sizes too big for him. So that's the king of Pittsburgh. He could be the king of Pittsburgh. Or he could be the doorstop daredevil. He goes around knocking on doors, random doors, asking if anyone needs anything dangerous doing in their house. If not, he says that he'll drink boiling chipped pan oil out of a gardening glove for anyone who'll give him 35 quid. okay andy well i've made my choice i would very much like to be the king of pittsburgh would you like to give us a little rendition of that wouldn't fly in pittsburgh no sir that wouldn't fly in pittsburgh no sir oh you suit that rule hey andy i got a song um to start things off what it is is i'm a bit ashamed of it it's a bit like who was that bloke who was Canadian or American or something who did like wacky songs, wacky versions of songs.

5:45Was it Weird Al Yankovic? Weird Al Yankovic. I've strayed into his area, right? Weird Robert Mortimer. Yeah. Have you ever seen the film with Daniel Radcliffe playing him? No. Is that a thing? Andy, you really should. You really should. Now Andy, it's a very famous song, some of the first time. You know, it was a hot afternoon. Do you know that song? Yeah. In the middle of June. Yeah? Yeah. Well, you'll know that it has... It does, yeah. I'd like you to provide the... Just to, you know, liven it up a bit, make it a bit erotic. All right? I'll try. Here we go.

6:43It was a hot afternoon in the middle of June When I first tasted gravy It slipped down a treat on the spuds and the meat Made the pastry less flaky I tried it on Welks and just by itself And on top of some bacon I could not get enough of this savoury stuff That had got my heart aching

7:33I was 17, the gravy was two weeks old It was thick with the skin on top and a hint of green I couldn't sleep at night until I got some more Without it on my plate, eating just became a bore

8:04So I went Thank you So to the shops Brought a couple of chops And two packets of Bisto But on the way Home I was attacked by a drone And my gravy Was taken

8:31Went to KFC Got two sachets for free From a young Asian lady From the look in her eyes And the stains on her chin She was deep into gravy I was so high I burnt off my eyelids Got myself a tattoo of the Bisto kids Bought some more gravy Drew two balls in the cock On the door of the local bakery That's the end, Andy you'll be pleased to know that's the end of that so weird Bob Mortimer you know weird Robert Mortimer there just don't let us forget about the oldest horse alright are you going to tell me now or are you not willing no I'll come back later on 73 73 your latest guess is 73 is it yeah

9:52Have you got any topics of interest? Oh, thanks for asking. Thanks for asking. What was your last interaction with the police? I was wondering. That's a bit private. Well, you know, you don't have to. I'll tell you. Go on then. I'll tell you, it was about a month ago. Someone tried to break into my ex-wife's house. Right. While my son was there on his own. Was you, wasn't it? and he rang us. He was in the kitchen. It was 1.15am. He was in the kitchen making himself a drink. Yeah. Likely story. And someone tried the back door. Ooh. And he rang me and asked what to do. I said, well, just get out there and confront them.

10:35Get out there and, you know, attack, attack, attack. No, I didn't say that. No, they'd scarpered quite quickly when they realised the back door was locked. and I rang the police on his behalf. So, yes, I've interacted with the police. Some might call us a grass for doing that. Yeah. But it's all about opinions, isn't it? So that was my last interaction with... What was your last interaction with... Oh, thanks for asking, Andrew. It was many, many years ago when we had an earthquake. I don't know if you remember that. Do you remember the earthquake period of time? It was a little one, wasn't it?

11:12Yeah, and I was driving along and it came out over on the radio that there'd been an earthquake in the place where my mother and father-in-law lived, right? Right. So I got on my phone and said to the wife, well, there's been an earthquake in Hithe. You might want to check on your mom and dad because, you know, some roofs had come off and stuff. And just as I was doing that, there was a rosa behind me, pulled me over, using your phone. I said, oh man, I'm sorry, you know, but this is about this earthquake. But it didn't work. You're going to believe it. It was the truth, because of course I should have pulled over and all that, blah, blah, blah.

12:01But there you go. They were perfectly pleasant. They did believe me, but nevertheless, it all ended up in one of those speed awareness. No, I think I just got points or something. Did you? Yeah. Have you ever served behind a bar, Andy? And when I say bar, I mean a pub or something. I was waiting for the phone to be requested to be inserted into Uranus there, but that didn't happen. Disappointing. Sorry, what was that second topic you've got there? Have you ever served behind a bar, you know, a pub or a wine bar? As a wine bar? as an employee or just someone who's just nipped behind the bar and helped himself?

12:44As an employee, you know, a paid employee. No, I've never been paid to work behind a bar. I haven't either. I regretted a bit. About a year or so ago, I was at a venue in Sunderland that I've got some kind of affiliation with and I was doing a bit of work there and I went behind the bar and I poured myself a pint and I thought to myself, I like this. I like doing this. This feels nice. This feels right. Good way to be helpful, good way to meet people, I would think. Yeah, if you want to meet people, that is. Have you given up on that sort of thing? I was thinking about this the other day, and I can't remember the last time I made a friend, like a new friend.

13:22Yeah, it doesn't happen, I don't think, after you're about 50. Yeah, I think so. It's a bit creepy, isn't it, making a friend on your... It's not easy. You haven't got any hair. No, no. I've shut the lid on that kind of thing. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No more friends. I was vaguely interested in this as well. Do you ever wear slacks? Like, I mean, you know, like trousers, because I've just thought to myself, I don't even have a pair. I'm either wearing tracksuit bottoms or jeans. I don't actually have a pair of trousers. Do you? No, I'm exactly the same. I've got a suit that I'll wear for a formal occasion.

14:01Sorry, yes, I do have a suit, yeah. But just one suit. otherwise I'll see them as Eugene's jogging pants, do you call them jogging pants? Something like that. That doesn't sound right either. I've got fur lined ones, well wool lined tracksuit bottoms. Nah they'd be too warm, don't like that. Not in my house Andy, it's fricking freezing. I don't want to know about that. Alright I'm going to tell you then.

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16:05Safety first with Mickey Dixon up in Middlesbrough. I'll read out his vlog, Andy.

16:15All right, how we doing? Mickey Dixon here. Just on me way to match to watch the butter, like, you know. It's a cold one today, so I've got me thermals on and a memory foam foam cushion like for me bony arse you know, if your todpipes get chilly then that's terrible news for your prostate you know I mean I should know like your prostate, my prostate's the size of a fucking cat's head when ideally it should be you know, the size of like a duck egg or a creature walnut maybe if you're lucky oh look there, there's Ron Ron Dixon maybe it's Ron Craggs, I never know his fucking surname. He's walking like he's just shit out a pair of net curtains, like.

17:04And he's not using his Zimmer frame, honest. He's got less brains than a bag of farts, that lad. Like, Oi, Ron! Why aren't you using your walking frame, like? None of your business, Mickey. Ah, you won't say that if you have a fall, will you? Look at Mickey, I'm allergic to the metal frame, alright? It brings me hands out in welts and hoops. I mean the very thought of it gives me the runs like Well, why not wear some gloves Ron? I get all clammy wearing gloves like What, even breathable ones, you know, like neoprene or a knitted wool? Look mate, I'm not getting sweaty hands when I'm about to handle the rabbits at Pets Are Nice Alright, fair enough, how's your background?

17:52Terrible, fucking haunting Bone on bone and the curvature has gone completely fucking skew whip. Bloody hell Ron, maybe you should just stay at home like. What, and listen to the wife go on and on about protein powder? No thanks. Well, if you fall I'll be no good to you Ron. Me tailbone feels like someone's nailed a for sale sign into it. And me knees are fully bone on bone. Look at my eyes Ron. Blimey, they've gone all milky, Mickey I know, that's caused by anguish And listen, I won't be able to phone anyone if you fall Cos the wife used me charging cable To throttle a weasel that was in the lightbulb box in the garage Ah, fucking garage weasels Burn of my life Aye, mate, so Well, enjoy your trip, Ron If you make it, Lake, to the match I'm not going to the match I told you I'm going to Pets and Ice Ah, you did say Well, enjoy the rabbits Don't be too rough with them And if any of them have milky eyes like me Stay well clear, you could be mixing my toast this Ah, look that Gary Padlock in his orange puffer puffer jacket And his chicken coloured slip-ons Daft bastards drinking a Starbucks without a lid on Oh, Gary!

19:14Gary Padlock! Oh, hello, Mickey I was hoping you wouldn't spot me I'm just a bit worried about that coffee not having a lid You get third degree burns if that spills on your legs or your hands like Aye, well, I'll be careful Famous last words, Gary How's your legs, anyway? Oh, the right one has got very hard and thick Ah, sounds like water retention You might need a diuretic Or cut down on salty foods Yeah, could be that I did have a lot of salt for breakfast Oh aye, what do you have bacon and eggs? Nah, salt on toast. Well I think there's a clue there if you don't mind me saying Gary. Aye, maybe.

20:01You chicken coloured shoes? Looking nice and clean? Aye aye, the wife waxed them last night while we were drinking stout. Did you put salt in the stout? Aye, I am not a fucking dile. I thought the wife was doing the AA you know, 12 steps and that Aye, she was but the community centre was flooded and the council hasn't got the cash like for her refurbishment Ah, that sounds about right there Gary Too busy spending all the money building the multi-faith chrysalis sculpture in the Dundas Arcade How's Mrs Gary Padlock? Dead as a donut Oh, I'm sorry to hear that What happened?

20:54She's got a terrible fungal infection from stroking rabbits. Pets are nice, you know. Eyes went all milky and her liver dissolved. I mean, it was either that or the drinking. Nah, well, either way she's a goner. Sorry for your loss. Shit, I'd better go and tell Ron Craggs about the rabbit menace. I'll see you, Gary. Safety first, lad. And that's all he sent, so I hope he told, Ron, about the rabbit problem. Uh, um, isn't Ron called Ron Chin? I don't know, Andy. Whatever. Well, Ron Craggs is from Slaughter's Restaurant. I know that much. All right. I think it might be Ron Chin, but that doesn't matter.

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23:16Go on then you bastard What part do jigsaw puzzles play In your everyday life? Everyday, none whatsoever Every day, day to day I do do a Christmas Jigsaw puzzle I like the 50s nostalgia ones You know like The 50s? Teddy Boys No, I like the ones, they're like real sort of Cotswolds countryside ones You know, a steam engine or a cornfield Do them at Christmas Other than that Do you do them on your own or with the family as a kind of a group activity? Group activity Group activity

23:56Are there any other group activities that you'd like to confess to? Alright, yeah Okay Well in the summer we are group activity that we Enjoy is making a pizza outside together. You know what I mean? So my son will say any chance of a group activity And so I do a pizza outside I'd like to do that pops What's he of what we do bingo at Christmas as a group activity That's nice I go to the football You know as a group activity Does that count as a group activity? Probably go together you know Okay Defending oneself in court Do you think it's ever advisable To defend oneself in a court of law? It saves money I mean I never When I used to be a slister I never saw it in action Being a good thing to do You know It's never a positive outcome I think that it might reduce your sentence Maybe, I think there's a little bit of Sympathy from the judge that well you didn't Really get a fair crack at this so I'll give you Three years rather than five you know Yeah clearly going down because you fucked this up But I'll give you a bit less Because I didn't do properly Maybe So we think that defending Going to court and being You know, tried needs to be A group activity a group activity i don't know i don't know andy i've not really enjoyed that one you know it's um and i apologize i don't i don't mean to be disrespectful that's fine can i give you a little quiz yeah you can all right it's um called quack boing pj's oh yeah thwack, ding, beans, peanuts, crash, honk, eggs.

26:01Give me just a little more time. Time, time, time, time. And I've been to Home Bargains looking at the Easter Range, which has just hit the aisles, Andy. Did it go alone or was it a group activity? It went alone, but I think that the Home Bargains is always, there's enough going on there for a group activity. Three items... You can split off into smaller groups. Yeah, you could agree a meeting spot, perhaps next to the barbecue shite that's outside, you know, if anyone gets lost. The three items, I want you to put them in price order, don't care which way. First one is older kids' bunny rabbit, as it were, pyjamas.

26:49Right. Candy jelly beans, 908 grams. I think that's important, Andy, 908. Yeah. Cadbury's mini eggs, 256 grams. Pyjamas, beans, eggs. I think in the order you've given me them, pyjamas most expensive then the beans, then the mini eggs Oh, wonderful Andy that's a total wrong one A complete fuck up Complete fuck up C-F-U Candy jelly beans$4.99 Cadbury's mini eggs $4.89 Older kids bunny pyjamas$4.50 And let's face it Andy that sounds like a bargain doesn't it? It does, it sounds unreal There you go Was it a special offer? No, it's just their Easter range. They're not on offer yet, Andy. They're just on the shelves.

27:52Fucking hell. Not even a star buy, you know, but there you go. Unlucky, Andy. I got an audio extract in the WAV format. WAV. Geordie Heat. Say WAV. WAV, I call it. Say WAV. WAV. And it comes from Infinity Rocket Plastics. apparently Moose has installed one of those pancake bridges in the rehearsal rooms at Nutflix and Moose says hello to you by the way Andy, says he's got that wireless watering can you were after. Oh that's brilliant yeah just in time for spring. Beautiful isn't it? Thanks Moose. Good timing let's have a listen Geordie Heat Crime on the Tyne Hot Geordie nights Geordie streets Full of crime Geordie Heat

28:58Interior, Geordie Heat Police Incident Room Midnight DC Denise Welsh answers the phone Hello, you're through to Geordie Heat squad DC Welsh speaking Can I take your name and address please? Oh God How many more times do I need to tell you man? It's Mr Sting from the massive house With the massive drive The massive annex And my brand new massive hot tub That's big enough for two hippos And an adult swan You are so rude It makes me want to fart into a towel Alright Mr Sting Just try and calm yourself down Tell us what your problem is Alright yes massive problem like I have got Viscount Brian Ferry coming round for a gala dinner in one hour oh he's really posh and he'll probably arrive on an electric horse something like that anyway I want to get me best knives and forks and spoons out for the gala dinner and and here's the fucking thing they've gone.

30:05Definitely been nicked by some local tour rags or so much. Oh, sorry. So, can you describe these knives and forks and spoons for us, Lake? Oh, yes. Of course. They're made of solid gold with solid leather handles. I got them when I was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Hawaii, the United States. They're a world prize or anything. I just took them off the table. Right. Is there someone there with you now to support you emotionally or even help you look for the knives and forks and the spoons? Nah. Well, that's Trudy. We're supposed to be here, but she went out ten hours ago to get some aromatherapy candles and she hasn't come back.

30:53She is useless. All right, Mr Stingwell. We'll settle someone round within the hour. Try and stay calm, will you? Cut to Interior Stings House. Dissective Inspector. Dissective? Wow. Dissective? Ah. God, I'll just be seating position. It's gone rank. Interior Stings House. D.I. Eddie O. has arrived. I've all got this right, then. You've got Viscount Brian fucking Ferry coming round for his dinner, but your golden eyes of forks and spoons are missing. Ask me what I am giving him. For what? For his dinner, the garlic dinner. Alright, what are you giving him? Leek and vegetable soup. Well, isn't leek already a fucking vegetable?

31:48Fuck right off. That's what he's getting. Listen, I'm going to get him to do a collaboration on me new single. Do you need to hear it? Not as fishy as to sting I'm a dry stone fucking wool When it comes to music So alright here we go Here's a song For all the ladies and gents Who like to hear a song Yeah well It's not exactly my Personal writing but I wish you all a very best Fucking look with it squire Thank you so kindly policeman Right, let's go look in your massive annex. Perhaps you left the night of forks and spoons in there. Interior stings, massive annex. Massive door creaks open and the two men enter.

32:38Hang on a fucking minute. Where's me massive nest gone? What in the name of the fuck are you talking about now? Me nest for me Far Come and Wear tour. It's made from straw and silk and it's what I sleep in after the concerts. I'm doing concerts in all the countries of the world In Alphabetical, Albania, Austria, Azerbaijan Cyprus, England, Zambia, Dago, all the countries Suddenly Sting looks up at the ceiling of the massive annex and shrieks I'm bat! A huge bat unfolds itself, swoops down to the floor Before standing upright Upon closer inspection, it is DC JJ Shelby. Shelby, didn't I send you on a one-way trip to...

33:29Didn't I send you on a one-way trip to a fucking Dubai? Alas, you did, boss. But I have popped back over here to the English gloom for a nice quiet bit of kip. Dubai, too sunny, too bright. Oh, well, good. You can help us with this increasingly tedious case, then. Come with me to the gentleman's massive hot tub, and you will see that the case has been resolved. They all go outside to the hot tub. DC Shelby removes its tarpaulin lid, revealing Brian Ferry, sitting in the massive straw and silk nest with a sack filled of gold knives and forks and spoons behind him. Why can't Brian fucking ferry, aristocrat turned baddie, a tale as old as time itself?

34:27Curses caught in the act before I was able to abscond with this delightful stash of golden treasure. What is the meaning of all this ferry? It has become a life's work to obtain all of the precious metals and minerals from the North East and relocate them to my southern abode. It's revenge for being repeatedly pushed off my bike by the rough lands of Washington when I was ten or eleven. Oh, the absolute nerve of it. Viscount, Blind Valken Ferry, I hereby ban thee from collaborating with me on my new song and from listening to another song that I'm about to sing right now. Cover your ears up, you bastard.

35:15Sting produces his electric lute and starts to sing. Oh, Mr Sting, yes, Mr Sting, with his cutlery of gold. Oh, Mr Sting, yes, Mr Sting, remaining strong and bold. He followed the attack, the stuff came back, the story now is told. Oh, Mr Sting, yes, Mr Sting, six, three, two hundred and nine. And that's the end of the recording there. That just must have been rehearsing that scene. So we'll never find out whether Shelby got his nice kip or not. Well, I don't think it matters. I don't think it's an important feature. All right, that was nice. Do you reckon Diana Ross is still in the middle of a chain reaction, Bob?

35:59I would think it's... I don't know, Andy. I'm sorry. I mean, it was 1986. Circumstances change. I don't know, it's hard to see how you can sustain the same chain reaction for 40 years, even as a group activity. Yeah, I think she's probably gone past that chain reaction period of her life, Andy. Right, thanks for your input there. No worries, no worries. Thanks for helping. No worries, man. All right, try everyone. See ya!

36:53We'll be right back.

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