

The Beardsley Collection Vol. 6 is a comedic, rambling episode built around faux “messages” from Peter Beardsley to the hosts (Bob/Andy), plus football banter and skits. Topic highlights include: Peter’s ongoing domestic conflicts centered on eggs (wife bans “cheating” non-organic eggs; he’s kicked out for “backshatting” and for using the wrong eggs), an England training-camp joke about a “16-arm crop scarifier” and “thigh density,” and multiple absurd scenarios (a Homes Under the Hammer-style visit to Beardsley’s egg-themed home; a fly-tip “stare” interrupted by Mark Lawrenson; Christmas disaster involving an eggy chicken/oven mishap and an “egg smoker”).
none appear as interview guests; the episode features recurring characters/voices (Danny Pellegrino for ad reads; Jim White and Simon Jordan for football commentary; Martin from Homes Under the Hammer as a skit; Mark Lawrenson as a skit character). Key claims/examples: podcasting repetition boosts ad recall (ACast/Pulse ad), ZocDoc enables instant booking via reviews and appointment openings, and Peter’s “egg obsession” drives escalating consequences (turmeric stains, damp knickers, smashed gifts).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes.
A humorous conversation featuring Peter Beardsley reflecting on his day.
“Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call?”
A satirical take on sports news involving a crop scarifier and its implications.
“I could go to the pub, but if my wife finds out, and she will, I'll get lamp to Hartlepool back via the fucking moon, so, you know, I'll tell you what, they'll put talk sport on.”
A lighthearted segment featuring a rap and jokes to kick off the show.
“Now, that's enough of that, Hold on Hold on, his wife's on the phone Is that you, Peter?”
A comical story about the challenges of buying organic eggs for a meal.
“But she saw some laughs on her TV saying that the organics like happier chickens, you know.”
The hosts engage in a humorous exchange about cooking and a mysterious platter of eggs.
“and poachy platter with a nice mug of Bovril What's going on with these fucking scramblers?”
A comedic reenactment of a visit to Peter Beardsley's house, filled with absurdity and egg references.
“I've been listening to the Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer show on the radio, you know, recording anything decent and quite a good episode this week.”
A surprise visit from an old friend leads to a humorous interaction.
“I suppose I should probably tell you what happened, Bob.”
An awkward moment occurs involving egg platini and a car.
“It's like caring for the chimp on Ritalin.”
A frantic search for cleaning supplies ensues after a spill.
“In a pretty dozy panic Mark, Mark I've spent 80 turmeric on your cassis What am I to do?”
A series of unfortunate events unfold on Christmas day.
“Before I go home so I suppose that's all really, Bob.”
A cooking experiment goes awry, leading to a humorous confrontation.
“You know, so that the meat parts of it would stay nice and juicy, lovely, juicy, juicy.”
The hosts reflect on their holiday experiences and share humorous jokes.
“Just before I go, I've got a couple of jokes.”

Get the gist, explore an idea or ask about something said.
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Automatic transcript. May contain errors.
0:00This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call? Or maybe you've been meaning to find a new dentist, but you have no idea where to start. I find that's especially true when you move. It's hard to find your people. I've been there, which is why I use ZocDoc. Now, as a busy podcaster parent and someone who's always juggling a million things, I love anything that makes life easier. And ZocDoc lets you search and compare local in-network doctors with over 250 ,000 providers across more than 200 specialties.
0:33You can read reviews from real patients, find a provider who feels like the right fit, see actual appointment openings, and book instantly. I recently had a last-minute health issue pop up and needed to see someone fast. Instead of calling around or sitting on hold, I found a doctor on ZocDoc and booked an appointment in just a few minutes. It made the whole process so much less stressful. Now, taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C, and book that appointment on your to-do list.
1:20Peter Beardsley sent me a wav Are you interested? Always Let's see what he's been up to Alright
1:30Oh hey Bob just thought I'd get in touch for a chit-chat, you know, a chatter and a natter, a chinwag, a waggy, and a bit of a babble, you know, chill with a fat suit of breeze, like, you know. Truth is, I'm in the wife's bad book, so she's thrown me out the outside, and I'm sat in the cart at the moment at the retail park. A pretty good spot, to be honest, like, you know. I can see Alfred, Costa Coffee, Greg's, that's Wicks over there like you know. I wonder if Greg's sell a chicken wrap. Let's have a look at me laptop here. What's this? Tandoori chicken baguette. Treat yourself to a taste of India with our delicious tandoori chicken baguette.
2:25fresh baked with tandoori style meal and slices of roast chicken breast now that's no good as you know but I like me chicken nice and lumpy you know lumpy lumpy not sliced right hold on chicken baked chicken pieces in a rich and creamy rice sauce might be alright then I wonder if a chicken piece is as lumpy as a chicken lump. Yeah, probably not. Don't get it. So, yeah, the wife threw me out this lunchtime for backshatting her, you know. She was watching police interceptors on the telly and I was stood at the door to ask her about the egg requirements. Now, ever since I've had the second jab, you know, I've had a nasty stingy pear around the seam of my ball bag.
3:29And I was speaking, I gave my bag a little itch, you know, with a spatula, and I had my hand. Are you intending to cook my scrambles with that spatula, you filthy little clown? No, no. I usually not the one put this one in the dishwasher. You put the bald-bactated implement in with the other stuff. Have you no fucking understanding of hygiene and fucking manners, you itchy fucking oil? I couldn't handle it, though. It's an instinct-like reaction I wasn't even thinking. That's your problem, isn't it, bald-face? You never fucking think about anyone other than your foregone self. Well, that's not fair, love.
4:17I cook your eggs every day and I change your leg bandage and I sleep in the spare room so I don't get on your nerves. And frankly, I don't think you're being fair. Fair? I'll show you fucking fair. Get out of my fucking house and don't come back till I fucking phone you and be warned, it might be months rather than days. Go on, fuck off. Yeah, so that's what happened. Because I haven't got a tally in my car, so I'm missing the euro, I think. I could go to the pub, but if my wife finds out, and she will, I'll get lamp to Hartlepool back via the fucking moon, so, you know, I'll tell you what, they'll put talk sport on.
5:05Hello, welcome back to me, Jim White, and co-presenter Simon Jordan. Now, breaking news is what it is, and breaking news is what we have. This is going to blow your tiny minds. It's an incredible earth-shattering development from the England training camp. Reports are emerging that a 16-arm crop scarifier has just been delivered to the training camp, which folk are interpreting as a move to concentrate on thigh density and toning rather than formations and tactics. I have to say, Simon, I have to say that this news has caused my epididymis to rotate 360 degrees, unravel itself and take on the form of a small wicker doll's chair.
5:49What say you, Simon Jordan? All too often, though, we are exaggerating, nay, supersizing in our interpretations of incidents that uniquely, and some might say manifestly, are attributable only to chance or at best serenwifery. I need to be ingested with a pinch of salt and huge spadefuls of scepticism and doubtfulness. Thighs are important, Jim, but so are the major muscle groups. And in that respect, draw your attention to the buttocks, and particularly those of Jordan Pickford, which are mightily high and without doubt intimidating in the context of going forwardness. I couldn't agree more, Simon.
6:31More incredible breaking stories after these messages. Hey, mate, do you want to sell your car? Yeah, I do, but it's too much fucking hassle. What with phone calls and emails, that sort of shit. Not if you sell with Flipo. It's just one phone call and that's it. Fuck me, that sounds amazing. But will I get a good price? Absolutely not. But we will give you a free bicycle. And after all, what price can you put on hassle-free experiences? Oh, I don't know One million fucking pounds Exactly So call Flipone out and kickstart your new life Now, that's enough of that, Hold on Hold on, his wife's on the phone Is that you, Peter?
7:20Yes, hello, love Get yourself home now Me bad leg is seeping And I need an egg, but it's pronto Like fucking Chonto And pick us up a bottle of nog on your way home me guts are churning like a fucking slush puppy machine. Oh, yeah, will do, love. Look, I better get going. See you, Bob. I'll see you, Peter. Oh, looks like he might be back in the good books, maybe. Yeah, it's because he needs an egg portless, though. How long's that going to last? Yeah, exactly. How long's it going to last? I hope he gets to watch his matches. an interesting beginning for us Andrew this week because Mr Peter Beardsley has kindly sent me let me just check what he describes as a very strong opening rap to kick off the show good the sad thing is is he hasn't sent me any music Andrew can I do the music yeah it's like the world in motion beat right you need a beat I can provide a beat for you I am Sunderland's number three human beatbox.
8:29OK, let's have it then. Let's do it. All right.
8:36You've got to stare around at the grass and the trees See if you can spot some dog that are in the leaves You need a chicken wrap before you mount an attack The journey could get bumpy if your chicken's not lumpy You should get round the back of your local shops. Have a look in the bins like a Geordie Fox. And don't forget the eggs for your beautiful wife. If you do, she will love you to win an inch of your life. We're staring for England. So, er, oh, there it goes. Turn your music off, Bob. so there it is Bob a very strong opening for your show and I tell you what whilst I'm here I'll rob in a couple of jokes you know from me old joke book just I get it boys, girls and girls right in the mood ok so a couple of jokes for you Bob Andy I've been invited to a nudist party next week not the usual my sort of thing but I might give it a go if I've got nothing on.
9:54What's one for kids, really, this one? What's blue and smells like red paint? I don't know. Blue paint.
10:08Andrew, what did the cleaner shout when she jumped out of her cupboard? I don't know. Surprise! Like supplies, you know. Yeah. So, there you go, Bob. I hope that's made a good start to your podcast. See you, Bob. Have a nice of him, wasn't it? That was lovely.
10:35Just by chance, Patreon listeners will know that Peter Beasley occasionally sends in an intro. Yes. Yeah? And he sent me in another intro. so we should do it, Andrew. It's the World in Motion song. He's obsessed with it. He obviously resents he never got the job to do the rap. So once again, if you can give me, you know that World in Motion beat? I will be the human beatbox that I was in the recent past. And I'll press play and hopefully it'll gel. Okay, here we go. You got to stare around at the grass in the tree See if that you can spot some dog that are on the leash You've got to look the part before you walk to the park To always look your best, a puffer puffer is smart If the foreign lads are coming down the line Divert them with hot dogs, the best ones come in brine Get your chicken wrapped before you mount an attack The journey might get bumpy if your chicken's not lumpy and don't forget the eggs for your beautiful wife.
11:50If you do, she will lamp you to within an inch of your life. I'm staring for England. Oh, oh, oh. There you are. Oh, it carries on. Oh. No, he doesn't need the music. He sent me a message. You do the music if you want. So, there you are. Go, Bob. and oh that's got you in your mood for the podcast like you know a bit of football rap I love fun writing that so much so that I've actually written down that it was a fun thing to do so update wise I should tell you that the wife's gone all organic you know with her legs these days I used to be able to to get away with, you know, like Barnery or Farm Fresh, you know.
12:48But she saw some laughs on her TV saying that the organics like happier chickens, you know. So she's got all sentimental about it, like, you know. You know what I mean?
13:04Problem is, I can only get the organics in town, like, and not from the local corner shop or the garage. So anyway, You know, yesterday I ran out and she was absolutely busting for a 12-egg poachy and scrambled platter leg. And I only had seven eggs, so I snaked in the garage under the excuse of saying I was going to have a good stare at the jet wash for half an hour, you know. And I got some barnery, you'd like. so I used the Barneys for the scrambled egg element of her platter because I thought she'd have less chances of spotting them but sadly she did spot it and I got into some very deep, you know, very very deep shit and I said there you go darling, a lovely 12 egg scramble and poachy platter with a nice mug of Bovril What's going on with these fucking scramblers?
14:09They seem very pale and watery Are these organics? Oh, yeah, I think so, Ruff You look a bit shifty to me I can see your eye twitching like a let me have a taste I can see your eye twitching like let me have a taste Are you dirty, cheating, useless midnight fucking creeper. They've got absolutely zero fucking clout. And their farm freshers are worse than that. And they're not fucking barnies, are they? Well, come to think, love, there could be barnies. I might have picked up a box by mistake. There's no fucking mistake here, haircut boy. You have deliberately tried to fucking take me with barnies, you sneaky little wonky doll.
15:01Now get yourself down to Asda and buy me me organics And the money is coming out of your savings For that daft fucking knee length puffer puffer coat you have to Oh, okay, love Sorry about that Do you want me to dispose of the platter? No, no Keep your stubby chimp's fingers off it Eggs is eggs And I'm gasping for a full-fogon dozen And stop staring at my fronties they're out of bounds for two weeks cos of you OK though sorry love, I'll be back as soon as I can you know so that was a bit of a close one Bob and Andy you know and I'm still getting the glares off her whenever I pass the TV room like you know so anyway so good luck with the podcast and remember that a stare at a bush is worth two at your hand keep them peeled Oh, that's it over.
16:03That was nice of Peter, wasn't it? Oh, lovely stuff. You know what? I think that's the first time he's ever acknowledged me in one of his messages. He mentioned me there. Did he? Yeah, I feel a little bit, you know, touched.
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18:01I've been listening to the Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer show on the radio, you know, recording anything decent and quite a good episode this week. Oh, yeah. You know, it's the show where he goes to celebrity homes, takes a look inside, famous football people usually. It was Peter Beardsley this week, Andy. How wonderful. Yeah, so I thought I would tape it and I'll play it for you, Andy, yeah? Here we go. Okay. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, Martin. Ooh, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, Martin. Ma, ma, Martin. Tin, tin, tin, tin, tin, tin, tin. Hello, everybody, and welcome, you are, to my show. Now you find me outside the house of Mr Peter Beardsley, ex-Newcastle and England footballing.
18:55And straight away I can see that the door knocker is in the form of two lovely boiled eggs. Little bit unusual, but do you know what? I like it baby, I like it, I like it baby. Let's see if anybody's in.
19:17Peter, answer the door will you These poachies are very Very fucking runny And I'm not moving for no one Er, well do love Er, alright mate How can I help you Hello Peter, my name's Martin From Homes Under the Hammer On the BBC And I've come to have a look around Your beautiful home Sorry, mate, I don't know anything about that, eh? Me wife only lets me watch police intercept her, so it shows you. You know what I mean? Who is it, Peter? It's a bloke called Martin off the telly, and he won't want to have a nose around our house, like. What does he look like? A bit like a hedgehog, you know, that walks on its back legs, like.
20:11That's Martin from Holmes Under the Fucking Hammer. Let him in right now, you dozy half-wit. Don't come in, Martin. And, of course, make yourself at home. Thank you. Now, I can immediately smell a deep and overpowering stench of eggs. It's not unpleasant, actually. Reminds me of that morning I woke up round the back of the little chef in Reading. Bring him in here, Peter. Is that her voice? I can't remember Bring him in here Peter Hello Mrs Beazley I see it's your eggs I could smell Hello there Yes that's right Martin I do like a plate of poachies In the fucking morning Would you like Peter To fetch you some poachies Or would you prefer a fried Or even a fucking boiler No, I'm alright, thanks.
21:12So this must be the living room. It's very dark. Dark brown settee, dark wood sideboard, broody posters of various policemen, some of them holding eggs, and the curtains shut tight. Ah, yeah. Your wife doesn't like any reflection getting on the TV screen. Like, if it gets too dark, I'll come downstairs for the spare room and shine me head torch onto a scrambler's or an evening omelette, you know. Yes. Thank you, Peter. Why don't you nick off into the kitchen and fetch a drink for Martin? Do you fetch your sherry or a mug of fucking bovril? It's very invigorating If you don't mind me saying God you are beautiful Right, no, I'm fine thank you I know you are So, how long have you lived here?
22:08About ten years I reckon I remember the first day We moved in actually We had a little dog back then Called Eggo And he got run over by the removal van Are you still here? Go and do something useful Those recycling bins round the back need a good staring at. Well, if that's OK by you, love, I would love to have a good staring through the kitchen window. Just shout if you need anything. Why don't you come and sit with me on the sofa, Martin? I'll pop a newspaper on the cushion so your jeans don't get any mucky slack on them. I'll tell you what, I'll go through to the kitchen with Peter and have a nose about.
22:53Now, you finish your poached eggs. I see you've got eight on the plate, which is certainly unusual, but do you know what? I like it. Okay, Martin, I'll come through and join you in a fucking minute. Well, what a lovely kitchen, Peter. Nice view of the recycling bins and the conifers through the window. And it's all very sleek and modern, with white cabinets and a supermodern laminate floor. must be a great place to cook in for your wife. To be honest, she very rarely comes in here, unless you've got a strop on with me. I do all the cooking, like, Oh, is that right? It's that the done thing these days.
23:37And what do you cook when you're cooking? Things that need to be cooked? Well, I'm a big fan of chicken wraps, like. Oh, William of Orange, tell me a bit about these wraps. Well, I like a pit of pit of bread to be nice and soft and stretchy. And I like the chicken really lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, with brown stripes on it, you know, so it looks like it's outdoor cooked. So do you cook the chicken on the grill here? No, I get it from the shops and eat them on the bench opposite the shops or on the lower wall next to the bus depot. Right, right-o, right-o, ho-ho, so what do you cook in here then? Eggs mainly, poached, scrambled fried omelette, depends what the right one she loves her eggs like.
24:30That's her unusual diet and I'm not sure that I like it. Does she ever eat anything else? I mean eggs can bind you up a bit if you're not careful. Do you know what to mean, Harry? She has the occasional bother and the savoury on Fridays But mostly it's just eggs She's a very eggy lass Oh, hello again, Martin Is he boring you? He bores me terribly No, not at all He tells me you're a very eggy lass I don't think I like that At all, at all, at all What, you? What, you don't like an eggy lifestyle? No, I don't think I do How fucking dare you Well said your chipmunk in a fucking overcoat Anyone who isn't fully on fucking board With a life of eggs is not welcome in this house Go on, get out before I fucking home Before I put your fucking home under the hammer Oh come on, let's not be silly buggers I've got a show to do I'll give you a show I'll wrap my hacky fucking bandages round your head and then pummel your daft fucking face until your mind wanders off to Peterborough.
25:44Now, go and get out! Well, that was an unusual experience, being threatened by a woman who's an egg addict. At first I thought it was most unpleasant, but you know what? At the end of the day, I think I quite liked it. See you next week when I'll be visiting Santi Cazala's Laughter Emporium. Sounds like a lol-a-thon. See ya!
26:10Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma Tin, tin, tin, tin, tin Wonderful stuff You get some pleasure from that Yeah, was that the entire two hour show? I don't like it Sorry Andy, I got carried away
26:29Alright Bob I'm just out and about at the moment, you know So, me mate Graham told me about some fly tipping, so I've come, I've a good old stare at it, you know. I'll tell you what, Bosch, a pretty good one. A couple of washing machines, a mattress, an old fly ball, some hardened bags of concrete, yeah. Various lengths of timber. just looking now I reckon the longest one about seven foot you know some plastic curtain rails microwave over there looks like a hundred one of me big tin of a gay that's the air Indian butter Bob kitchen cabinet there probably I care but it could be B and Q. You know, they all use the same basic shell and the door's missing, so it's quite hard to tell.
27:33Some PVC piping ranges from about 1 inch to about 4 inch diameter. So, yeah, it's a pretty good stair, really. And I'm really glad I made the effort, you know, to come out and have a good stair. I've got two or three hours to pass away because the wife's booting me out of the house again. Dog day. I suppose I should probably tell you what happened, Bob. So I got up half an hour before the wife to prepare her eggs platini. that had an egg on that stuffed with three soft boilers two pickled with a sprinkle of turmeric to help the swelling on the wife's leg well as I was just taking the platini into her TV room there was a knock on the door so I put the platini on the hall table and answered the door I was lovely surprised it was my old mate Mark Lawrenson Alright Mark, long time no see, how is it hanging?
28:51Fine, thank you good sir, just thought I'd pop by for a quick catch up, what are you up to? Oh, well, me mate Graham has just texted me saying he's spotted a good fly tip to have a stare at, so I'm pretty excited by that. Peter, Peter, you clown shoe Where are my fucking eggs platini? Yeah, sorry, love Just chatting to Mark I won't be a minute Well, why are you stood at the door, you fucking midnight creeper? Invite them in I miss having a chat with a proper man Okay, love Will do Come on in, Mark, and say hello to the wife I'll get the kettle on just been making some eggs patini for her wife, like.
29:41Oh, eggs patini. I love them. Could I have a three-egg-based one, please? Yeah, no problem. What the fuck are they? Hello, Mrs B. How's it hanging? Oh, it's terrible, Mark. Living with him is so very, very fucking tiring. It's like caring for the chimp on Ritalin.
30:09Here, let me move these bandages so you can sit down with me on the sofa. It's okay, Mrs B, I prefer to stand. I've been sat in the Skoda for two hours, and although the seats claim to be orthopaedic, I find the rake adjustment lacking in fine-tuning. I wish I'd ticked the electrically bleed-adjustable option, but I'm just too tight. Oh, what a fascinating manly story Peter never tells us how interesting I do miss mental stimulation Honestly, Mark, I had to talk to you for hour upon hour Here we go, guys Two egg patinis An eight egg for you, my love And a three bears for you, Mark Why don't you sit down on the sofa, Mark?
31:00I can move the soil bandages No, I'm better off standing. I was just explaining that the manual adjustment system on the Scouter driving seat isn't particularly sensitive. You can never really hit the sweet spot that's perfect for comfort and hazard observation. Oh, wow. I wish I'd been in on that conversation. It's so absolutely riveting. Yes, well, you did fucking miss out. So if there's nothing else you've got to fucking offer, then could you eat your platini outside? and leave me and Mark on our fucking own, please. Ah, yeah, no problem, love. Just give me a shout if you need a bottle or anything.
31:43If it's OK, Mark, if I sit in your skoda. There's a card to fill your boots, Peter. So, Bob, I went outside to have a stare at Mark's car, you know, but to be honest, it was playing on my mind a bit, you know, the unsatisfactory adjustment spectrum on the driver's seat. So I got inside and had a saddle on the seat. There was a decent amount of lumbar support and the seat cushion was firm but comfortable. But there was no doubt in my mind that the angle of the seat back was far too acute for safe driving. So anyway, the seat had a little lever on the side for adjustment. So I gave it a pull, and the hole in the back of the seat went backwards, suddenly.
32:35So I was more or less horizontal. It gave me quite a start. Unfortunately, my plate of platini spilt all over the beige seats. Well, as you probably know, Bob, eggy turmeric is a bastard of a stain. So I virtually shit myself And I ran into the house In a pretty dozy panic Mark, Mark I've spent 80 turmeric on your cassis What am I to do? Oh, I'm jigging my sixpences Get some Belinda wipes Quickly, we need Belinda wipes We haven't got any Belinda wipes Starry boy's too tight to fork out on them All we have is for one bog roll No Belinda wipes What kind of a man are you? A tight ass. I'm sorry, Mark.
33:32I was just trying to adjust the rake of your car seat, like, you know. Nobody, and I mean fucking nobody, fiddles about with my fucking scooter. Get out of my way. All is not lost if I can get some Belinda wipes in time. That's all. Mark ran out of the house and screeched away in his scooter, you know, like he was in a film trailer or something. Once again, you have turned my life into a fucking shit pit My first other company for weeks And you stop it short with your creepy fucking antics Get out of the house Get out and don't come back until it's time for my eggs peck and bower So there you have it, you know So I've got a couple more hours to stare at this firetip Before I go home so I suppose that's all really, Bob.
34:29I'll tell you a couple of jokes from my old joke book before I go, you know. You know, you like them bods, though. A bloke rang the RSPCA, and I've just found a dog and two puppies in a suitcase. And the RSPCA man says, that doesn't not sound good, are they moving? The man says, I'm not sure, but that would explain the suitcase.
35:02This is one I got from a bloke called Adam at the Bear 977. It sent me one. It says, two cannibals were eating a clown. One says, does this taste funny to you?
35:20Tell me Bob What's green With one wheel Grass Or there's lying About the wheel
35:32So I'll see you then Bob See you next time One Peter Beard There's only one Peter Beard See you Bob That was nice of Peter I don't ask for him, Andy. No, well, it's nice that he's got an outlet, I suppose.
36:00I have to say at this point that Peter Beardsley has been in touch with his Christmas message, would you call it? He's given us an update. I call it that, yeah. Would you like to hear it? I absolutely would like to hear it, yeah. I guess there'll be some music to go with that, yeah? Festive music or just the usual? Just the usual, I think. Fair enough. Here it comes.
36:30All right, Bob. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, of course.
36:39Christmas Day was a bit of a disaster for me, really. I should probably tell you what happened. You know, it started off OK. I got up early and put the big chicken in the oven on a low heat, you know, for a nice long cook. You know, so that the meat parts of it would stay nice and juicy, lovely, juicy, juicy. You know, like an overripe pan. I put it in on a high heat for, you know, the first 20 minutes or so, you know, just to get it gathered, you know. The wife likes to have half a dozen eggs cracked into the cavity, you know, give the bird a nice eggy aroma when you cut into it. So I did that and all.
37:30anyway after I put the chicken in I went outside to my car to fetch the presents that I got for the wife I got a pair of pottery earrings shaped like a cup of poor cheese an egg shaped vase with a couple of pairs of knickers inside a border force New Zealand mug and a bar of egg flavoured chocolate a pretty good selection if I do say so, my incels. So I got back to the front door only to find that I've locked myself out. I opened up the letterbox and I give like half a shout-up to the wife, you know. Darling, precious angel, lock yourself out there, you're awake. I get no response and I dined to shout again, so I gave me car to have a good old thing, you know.
38:32It's probably the best part of the day, to be honest, Bob. I had a good stare at a little crack in the windscreen and an even longer stare at a boost bar wrapper that had trapped itself on the grill and I got a really nice stare, that one, Bob. The Albanian bloke, he came out from next door briefly but that was only to tell me to fuck off. I was... I was a bit peckish. I was a bit peckish by this point so I took in the eggy chocolate, like, you know, because the wife would never know, like, that we were having, you know, she wouldn't know that I bought it and we were having eggs for Christmas pudding anyway, like, but after about 30 minutes I thought I should give it another go but this time when I opened the letterbox all I could see inside was plumes of smoke coming from the kitchen.
39:41I'd left the oven on high and the eggs and meat must have set on fire. Oh man, I fucking panicked. First off, I threw the Border Force mug up at the wife's bedroom window you know, come on, love. Then the earrings and then the vase and it all smashed on the floor but I got no response from the wife, you know. So I started banging and kicking on the front door and more or less immediately, really, the wife opened it up. What's with all the noise, you fucking clown show? Get inside before you wake up the old fucking street. Well, love, the smoke. I think I might have set the chicken on fire. Quick, get out of the way and let me do an extinguish it.
40:30Oh, calm down, you lump of fucking shite. The chicken is fine. But darling, the smoke, the smoke, the fucking smoke. Oh, fuck off with the dance army fucking panic. I'm just trying out the new egg smoker. What the lasses at work got me. You meant to do it outside, but I thought, fuck it. The eggy smoke might even kill off all the fucking moths. Oh, God. Thank God for that. I'm really worried for you, love. I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't imagine spending even a single day without you, let alone my Christmas day. Oh, fuck off with that shite. Where's my presents? Well, of course, because of the throwings.
41:17Well, of course, because of the throwings. All I had left was a couple of pairs of knickers That were all crumpled up and damp from the lawn But I took a chance and I handed them over There you go, love Happy Christmas Give her a little peck on the cheek A couple of pairs of damp knickers You creepy little midnight fucking pervert And what's with the eggy breath? Have you been eating poultry brand eggy chocolate? Yes, though, it was meant for you but I got hungry sorry right that's it you can fuck off out for the day go on fuck off out and don't come back till you see all the lights out oh well what could I say Bob I fucked up pretty badly you know so I spent the rest of the day driving around listening to the radio getting the odd kip in and there you know so there you have it really I hope your Christmas went better than mine, you know.
42:23Just before I go, I've got a couple of jokes. A Christmas crack of old jokes, you know, from me book. So I'll try them, I'll say what you think. To the person who stole my glasses, believe me, I will find you. I have contacts. That's one of them. I went to the doctor because I couldn't stop singing Tom Jones songs, you know. And he said I was suffering from Tom Jones' compulsive disorder. Is that common? I asked. Well, it's not unusual.
43:06One Peter Beesley There's only one Peter Beesley Happy New Year, Bob. so that was nice of Peter what a terrible day he's had it's never easy for him is it
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Here’s a compilation of Peter’s efforts between June and December 2021, including some of his world class rapping.
(Originally released to Club Parsnips members in October 2025)
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