Boiled Parsnips 55: Sons

0:28Are we started? You love a premier inn, don't you? I love a premier inn. I'm in a premier inn. It's near the XL Exhibition Unit. Okay. Near Canary Wharf, a big, big exhibition unit, because I am going to watch the Formula E. What? It's like Formula One, but electric cars rather than petrol. So it's like Ski Electric or something? It's Ski Electric, yeah. very noisy, very shrill noise that they make. But it's not as fast as Formula One. Well, why don't you go and find a flock of starlings and watch them? They're noisy and fast. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't my idea. That's all I'm going to say.

1:13It's your son's idea, isn't it? It's my son's idea. Why do you do all this for your son and your children? You'd rather be in bed, wouldn't you? Watching the darts. My son is in bed behind us. Ah, right. In the room. He's fast asleep. So I'm not going to raise my voice. So why do you do all this for your son? Why aren't you more selfish in life? I am selfless, very selfless man. I thought you knew this. No, I have no evidence of that, Andy. I'm a people pleaser. Are you? Surely, surely you knew this. I just want everyone to be happy at my expense. Is that right? though um you've got a t-shirt and i always like to comment it's a bit i don't know modernist oh hold on hold on there's more to it yeah it's increasingly becoming a t-shirt identification podcast this isn't it yeah this is a t-shirt of the pop group elbow you see the letters there i see i saw the b in the o and i thought it might be burra but no it's elbow it looks like a pair of tits, to be quite honest.

2:16Yeah. It would be in the oar. It would be quite a low chuckle, that Andy. Yeah, well. That's the t-shirt I'd identify. It is obviously lovely to see you. I hope you have a lovely time watching the cars going round and round and round and round and round. Yeah. I hope you enjoy your son saying that he wants half a lager or something and paying 27 quid for it. He's not old enough. He can't have one. I had a pint. We went yesterday. It's a two-day thing. We were there yesterday and we're there again this afternoon. Jesus, Andy. £7.50 a pint. Oh, that's not... You know, London-wise, that ain't too bad.

2:57What a thing to say, though. Are you looking forward to your new season, you know, with Sunderland? Are you excited? I don't know what to think. I don't know what to make of it. Because it could be a huge disaster or it could be all right. But nobody knows. We've signed some players from abroad. Oh, well, they'll be good then, if they're from abroad. Obviously, they'll be good. They'll just come straight to England and just fit in and be brilliant because that's how it always works. I've got no idea. You've got a new manager, haven't you? Rob Edwards. What do you think about that? I watched us yesterday playing Rangers and we were very good.

3:31But who knows? I mean, the thing is, Andy, is like when we last went up, Middlesbrough, I don't know, 2017 or something, there was a realistic opportunity of staying up. so it was actually very disappointing when you didn't but I suspect now you're approaching it thinking well we're not staying up so it might be more fun and then you know you might stay up you've got to assume you're going to go there apparently the Sunderland fans from the Hearts match yesterday in Edinburgh and the Borough fans from Glasgow were all on the same trains coming down from Scotland and I believe it got a little bit saucy now listen Andrew talking about Sunderland and Borough I've got a lovely new song for you to start things off.

4:26You live in Sunderland Drink blue drink with shit on your hands You go to the tip with a wheelbarrow and mule You eat chicken dippers, your sink's full of spew You've got an Alsatian that lives on your roof Cos you live in Sunderland I come from Middlesbrough I drink fine wines from Bordeaux I hang around at the celebrity club You knock about at the Jobseeker's Hub You shop at home bargains from Lidl, your band Cos you come from Sunderland What do you reckon? Do you like that? It's nice. Yeah, very, very nice. Very untrue. On so many levels. Don't we all drink Bordeaux in Middlesbrough, I promise.

5:33Of course you do. We were driving down the year 19 the other day and those big chimneys came into view. Yeah. And my son just went, middle spirit. Hey, I've got a couple of names for you. Go on then. A couple of names. You're not obliged to choose any of them, but I'll run them by you. You can be Neil Fox Leader. Neil Fox Leader walks around during daylight hours with a fox on a lead. pretty standard stuff you probably think but both Neil and the fox can spit out globules of pure fire Wow and the fox's globules are bigger than Neil's Okay So there you are, that's Neil Fox leader or you can be Hercules Slack he's 5 foot 2 inches high and 3 foot 6 inches wide he went to Turkey to get one of them hair replacement jobs but they pulled all his remaining hairs out and filled his follicles with wig grass and charged him 9 grand Nine grand.

6:32So you could beat Hercules, Slack, or... Is there any chance of you changing Neil to Foxfire? I know it's more obvious, but... Neil Foxfire? Yeah. No, sorry. No, you won't offer that? No, and it's Neil Fox Leader. Okay, no, that's fine enough. I'll be Fox Leader then, thank you. The main thing is he leads the fox around for the fire things, just to decide. But I would have said that the main thing is that they spew out bottles of fire, but... Neil doesn't say it like that. So you're going to be Neil Fox later. Yeah, thank you. Just a few, they're sort of questions, topics of interest for you to mull over, you know.

7:14Have you ever used a tourniquet or witnessed one being used? I hear the kid talking about my son in this podcast, but I advised him to use some compression on a wound the other day. Does that count? It's the presence of a tourniquet, Andy, that I'm looking for. So I don't know whether that... A tourniquet suggests that it had been tied. Yeah, a belt or something. I think a belt is the go-to tourniquet, I think. No, that was nothing like this. No, I haven't. Well, maybe one day, Andy, yeah. I mean, I might get shot one day. You can use a tourniquet with a gunshot wound, can't you? Yeah, talking of sons, my son's in America at the moment.

7:56and he sent me a video yesterday of him shooting at a gun range. Good. At the time of his life. Do you have a gun? Have you ever done that? Have you ever done that? I've fired a shotgun, Russian shotgun, and I've fired a machine gun. Yeah, I went to a gun range in Prague once as part of a stag weekend many decades ago. It was run by a guy called Rambo. It was great. so so um it's have you ever told anyone famous to fuck off just you just me yeah no one else think so don't know why something come up well no i was just thinking the most famous person i ever told to fuck off i might told this before was you know the singer james taylor american singer american oh yeah told him to fuck off what for i was doing a show something like jonathan Ross or something and they get you there dead early and I wanted to have a kip and he was in the room next door doing his guitar you know that might have been nice but he was just doing that oh yeah warming his voice off I didn't know it was James Taylor I just thought it was some wanker trying to be a bit Austrian you know in the room next to me so I banged on his door told him to fuck off with his singing.

9:22And then he answered the door and it was James Taylor, but there you go. Embarrassing. Yeah, just you. Do you think Gandalf would enjoy a don of kebab or maybe not? Of course he would. I think he really would, wouldn't he? Very small amount of knowledge I've got about Gandalf. Little fella, isn't he? Little fellas usually like kebabs. I like a kebab. Does your Sunlighter kebab. That generation doesn't seem quite as keen as us. Yeah. Well, he's quite into the German Donnerkebab outlet that we've talked about in the past. I quite like it. It's good. I must try one, Andy. I'm just a bit suspicious of the red cabbage.

10:03You can have that removed. Is there someone who sits outside with a desk who does red cabbage removal? No, you just do it yourself in the street. Oh, right, and just throw it in the fucking Sunland gutter with the rest of the shite. You know, like, the other fucking red thing that's doing me head in is the red onion. Do you remember the time when onions were just onions? It tasted really nice, and now everyone's getting these little red fuckers. Well, again, I'm going to mention my son again for the fifth time of this episode. We were talking yesterday, we were at the Formula E, and there was all the food outlets, and there was lots of things with spices on, and herbs, and seasonings, and flavourings.

10:46and we said wouldn't it be lovely if there was just somewhere that just sold bland food I'm right with you and your son there we're going to launch it, we're going to call it Blandland

10:59and it'll just do like chips chips were now on them maybe some white bread and butter wouldn't it be a gift it's like I do delicious chicken wings in my air fryer Andy yeah but I just put salt and pepper on and I think they're gorgeous you know and my son refuses to give them over 6 out of 10 on account of they're just chicken wings cooked. Do you know what I mean? They haven't got any chilli on them. It's lovely. Yeah. Yeah. I love stuff like seasonings and herbs and spices and all that, but sometimes I just want a corned beef pasty. Yeah. And last Easter, you know, I really like hot cross bun at Easter, but all the hot cross buns the wife was getting, and I'd extra shite in, you know, like lemon curd or...

11:47Ginger. Yeah, I just wanted hot cross bun. Anyways. I know, mate.

11:56Talking of sons, yeah, I thought I'd tell you another little story that happened when I went with my son to Sorrento. Oh. The other week. Don't know if you remember, we had a bit of trouble when we went to Pompeii. Told you about it last time. It swelled up, didn't it? your head's swelled up yeah so well on the day after our heads had swollen up at pompeii we thought we'd just have a nice quiet day on the beach you know at positano which is like the classiest resort on the amalfi coast down there you know um so we got down to the beach and found out if you actually want to sit on it you have to pay 20 quid each you know some sort of like beach club mafia thing.

12:41Blimey. Yeah, that doesn't sound right. Doesn't does it? But that's as it was. The lady at the entrance had a green tinge to her skin and quite a swollen nose. So, well, fair enough. Got our first two drinks for free. Some sort of limoncello cocktail. And after that one, it was 15 quid a drink. They did bring it to your deck chair, but that's pricey, isn't it? Did you see you got your first two free? First two for it, you got your welcome drink, and then after that, when I say 15 quid each, it was a minute out, it was 15 quid for lager. Well, that cancels out the cover charge to get on the beach, I think, that's all right.

13:21All right, fair enough. You're obviously part of the Positano Beach Club Mafia. Maybe so am, yeah. I said it's a bit steep, innit, this price, and she said that the owner's wife had recently been very sick due to balsamic vinegar and he needed to buy him a shitload of jewellery to heal his knackered livers. And I obviously asked, livers? Does he have two livers? And she says, that's what I heard. So that's what she'd heard. We allocated a couple of deck chairs and we've got a fat Australian bloke on one side with his wife and a family of like rich American, loud rich sort of American banker types on the other.

14:13The Australian bloke had shaved all his body hair off and was wearing little speedo trunks. He was a big lad like. Tom, who was a friendly little chap, he asked him if he'd been in the sea, you know. And he said, Yeah, I've been in it for hours, mate. I'd still be in there now if it wasn't for this lump of a wife. and the wife gave a little smile. That's me, folks. He says, shut up the fuck up, lampo. And what's with the smile? You fancy the kid or something? Am I doing anything like an Australian accent, Andy? I thought it was South African at first, to be honest, but it's in that area, Southern Emmet.

14:55I can only apologise. And she says, I was just being friendly, you prick. button up your farter and take a break with the attitude he says i'll take a break when you learn how to bake a cake you useless lamp so tom asks him if he you know liked it here in positano he says i like it when i'm in i like it it's some sort of cockney can you do australian shall i send it to you i'll do a little bit of australian yeah a little bit of australian but no don't send it to me god Just do your best I'll do a little bit of a straight Try harder He says I like it when I'm in the sea But not when I'm next to this lump I'm the best swimmer in the world The sea It's cockney innit The sea calms down when I step in because it fears me Tom says Quite rightly You sound like a great swimmer And the wife says He swims like a He swims like a fat dog with a broken neck and a septic lung.

16:01Don't listen to the fart box. Oh, is that so, you fucking appendage? Just watch me, mate. And with that, he got up. He strode down to the beach and dived into the sea. Sure enough, the wife was right. He started swimming like a pig, you know, with a bag of bread on his hooves or something. She says, Ah, thank fuck he took his fatter off the beach. Oh, he's fucking looking at us. Give him a round of applause. keep him in the water so we gave him a round of applause and he waved back and just as he did so the wake from the ferry to capri hit him full force and he went under didn't appear for ages and then we noticed him wash up a bit further along the beach i said to his wife shall we go and look after him and she said fuck him let's enjoy the peace and quiet the locals can look after his father.

16:57For sure enough, you know, like an Italian bloke, Giuseppe, was stood over him, eating a slice of pizza and saying, medical, medical. And then he put his foot on his chest and started pumping it as he continued to just munch on his pizza while saying, you know, medical, medical. I thought, no, we've got to do something about this. So I went up to the beach club entrance to see if the lass could phone an ambulance or something. When I got there, I noticed one of her hands was oscillating, like a tumble dryer that's on the piss sort of thing. I told her about the Aussie bloke, and she picked up a radio walkie-talkie thing and mumbled into it, medical, medical, medical.

17:45And then she pressed a button on the side, and the reply came through, like medical, medical, medical. then she put the walkie talkie down so i thought well that's something that probably happened i went back to tom and found that the aussie bloke was now back in his chair i said you look like you were in a bit of trouble out there are you okay i was fine mate i just needed an underwater shit to teach the waves who was boss i said you're under a long time now and he says yeah i ate one of this lamps lasagnas last night and it's stacked to my guts like a barnacle she says oh it's nothing to do with...

18:27It's nothing to do with the fact that your father is as loose as a farmer's welly. Down, listen to her, her mental health is shot to shit on account of the bullying she gets on Instagram. I said to the wife, why did you get bullied? She said because I married this piece of horse water. Right, that's it, we're off, he says. And they both got up and left. The American dad is on my side. He says, hey, that bloke was a jerk-off sandwich. I said, why did you say that? Because I'm the best swimmer in the world. Wow. I said correctly, wow, that does make him a cheeky cunt, does it? Indeed it does. And the lady from the club entrance arrived and delivered a pizza to the American dad.

19:14I told her that the Aussie bloke was okay. And she says, that will be 40 euros. Jesus Christ. What you think I got a pickle in my pants? I ain't paying 40 euros. You can go take a dump on a bus, lady. She says, but my grandfather's got sepsis of his wrist muscles and needs a Samsung soundbar to heal him. And he says, oh, well, in that case, I'll pay. That story has broken my family's hearts. I noticed that Tom's face had taken on a bit of a green tinge, like the lady's. Yeah, I know. And I asked her, what's this beach curse? What's that going on? She says, it's that limoncello I gave you. It turned out it was a toxic batch.

20:03I said, well, I need a doctor. She says, don't worry, I'll find one. And she walked off mumbling, medical, medical, medical. Waited about half an hour. And she returned with a bottle of clear liquid in her hand. she said you both need to drink this it'll come back the toxic drink you had so i reached up to take it but she says no it's 200 euros fucking hell i said what is it mermaid tea is a summit she says it is exactly that oh 200 euros a bit steep in it she said over mermaid tears that feels about right do you reckon i thought it was pricey how big was the bottle it was do you know Have you seen those tiny little bottles of cream?

20:52Or the old milk bottle from school? Yeah, yeah. Well, that size. Yeah, that's a lot. She says, well, but my mother's sick in bed. She's had a corruption of her outer thigh, and I need to get her a Morphe Richards ice cream maker to correct her thigh. And the American bloke chipped in. That story has crushed my family. Our souls are in turmoil And tears are rolling down My children's throats Here, let me pay for the linctus I fucking well insist I said, alright, cheers mate He said, don't mention it I got a donut franchise back in Frisco And 200 euros is little more Than a fried fuck to me So we drank We drank the linctus And the green tinge Disappeared from Tom's face almost instantly, Andy.

21:46So after that, we had a pleasant afternoon and ended up on the evening at the English pub in Sorrento where we had eight pints each and got into a fight with a bloke dressed like a duck. Brilliant. It was a nice day, you know. Lovely way to round off a trying and testing day of that, I think. Yeah, good stuff. Are you tempted to go to Sorrento? Increasingly less so with every story that I hear from you about the place, but maybe one day, maybe one day.

22:24Hey, Robert, the guru is near you. Do not be alarmed or freaked or spooked or out like that, you massive fucking baby. How have you been? How have you been, Robert? I've been all right, guru, thank you. All of your auras facing outwards and projecting a steady and even flow of harmonic equilibrium. I think so. I think so, yeah. Well, you say that, but looking at you, I'm not so sure. Your brow appears to be furrowed somewhat and your teeth look pretty weird. Do you know what's happened there, Lake? You say you're fine? I'm absolutely fine. Are you from Sunderland, Guru? You're not fine. You're really not fine.

23:15Don't question me. Luckily, I have a recommendation for you. A recommendation. Say it with me. Recommendation. Do you enjoy the company of pigs, Robert? Yeah, a bit scared of them, but yeah. Well, you just haven't spent enough time with them. You see, we humans, we share 125 % of our DNA with pigs. They are, in fact, the cleverest animals on the planet. Here is my recommendation for you. Sometime next week, maybe Thursday, depends if my brother-in-law is available, he and I will come to your home and deliver to you 75 young pigs. Please ensure that your garden is secure so we don't want them escaping and landing you in any trouble with the fucking coppers.

24:07once so yes well I don't know if I've got space for them but yeah carry on you've got space don't worry once they've been installed you'll immediately find all of your other worries will just wash away wash away and all you'll be focused on is the welfare of the pigs it's worth a try all you need to do then is milk the pigs every day at 4.30am and my brother-in-law will pop round later each morning to collect the milk. Don't worry, we'll provide you with all of the milking equipment you need and an instruction leaflet. All we need from you, apart from the pig milk, is £5 ,000 deposit for the milking equipment.

24:51And sadly, that's not returnable. But then again, sadness is an important part of life. I suppose, yeah. It's a lot of money. What is the equipment? Well, sorry? What is this equipment that's£5 ,000? It's milking equipment for you to milk the pigs. Yeah, but what is it? Is it what, a pair of gloves or something? Pipes. Pipes, all right. Tubes, clamps. It'll nourish your soul or something. Anyway, too many questions. I must depart. My auras are guiding me off to another dimension. Pay close attention. Oh, you're gone. I say I need a guru fella. Yeah. He's just been here. He's sending me a load of pigs next Thursday.

25:40Apparently that's going to... Oh, that sounds good. Does it really? Do you think it's worth it? Yeah, I read about this in the Observer. This is a thing now. Yeah, it's like the new wild swimming. Oh, right. Have you asked it to milk them? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, it's legit. You should do it. Definitely. All right, well, thank you. I will then, yeah. You're welcome.

26:05Ear up, ear up lad There was a decent episode of Martin From Homes Under the Hammers radio show You know where he has a nose around famous people's houses So I taped it Shall I play it for you, it's a good one Let's hear it Okay So I'm outside Do we start with the theme tune? Oh sorry Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, Martin Martin Martin Martin Tin Tin So I'm outside a converted barn sort of thingy That's clad in zinc And has a nice flat tarmac area out front Looks a bit like a spaceship Which is unusual But I like it So let's find out Who lives in a thing like this

27:02It's George Clark Amazing space Amazing space Who the fuck are you when everyone's at home with each other? Oh how cheeky I'm Martin from Owens Under the Hammer Come to look at your house and things and that What's that smell coming off you? It's amazing Button mushrooms I slept on a grow bag in a mushroom farm last night. Are you going to let me in or not? Am I contractually obliged? Well, it's to promote your new range of pantry ladders, so I would think it's in your best interest, Sonny. Oh, my pantry ladders are amazing. Yeah, come on inside me amazing spaceship. Oh, I see. There's actually no hallway I route.

27:52It's just one big open area. Yeah, it's an amazing space ship. It seems to be all the trend these days, one big room, but I don't like it one bitty witty. I like separate rooms, you know, so I can store me pepper grains or sound bars or mattress protectors, you know, whatever I've found at the market. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Why are you looking at me like that, pulling such an amazing face? just a little bit of fun you know another wink which is something i like a lot well i must say this room is very sparsely furnished tell me about that electric guitar up on the wall oh that's me amazing bass fucking hell

28:47Gibson EB3 Alright, so were you ever in a band? Yes, I was in my teens What was it called? If someone was calling the name of the band What would they have called out? Amazing Chase It was the three of us My brother Charlie And a lass from school Oh yeah, and what was the lass called? Grace She was amazing. You should have called her Amazing Grace. We did. So there's a kitchen at one end and a sofa and a telly at the other and a glass display unit by the window. That's me amazing case. It displays me taxidermy piece perfectly. All right, a fish, isn't it? Don't tell me. I bet it's a fucking place.

29:40an amazing one at that. No, it's a deus. And is it amazing? Too fucking right. You should have two fish in there. Then it would be an amazing brace. It's very unusual. You've got quite a sweat on. Is it too hot for you in here, mate? Might be best if you took your gran's coat off. It's not me gran's, it's me mam's. and I'll keep it on if you don't mind yourself on your own business. So that's it. There's nothing else to see, really. Would you like to see the cockpit? What do you mean, you daft airpuff? Well, it's a spaceship, so it's got a cockpit. Oh, go along. I'll play along for the ladies and gentlemen at home.

30:27Follow me. Flipping heck, it is a cockpit. I can't believe it. It's so unusual that I have to say I like it. What does this button do? And then all you heard, Andy, was a huge whooshing sound and the craft set off to distant frontiers at an amazing pace.

30:53Wow, that's lovely. Were you embarrassed to play that part, Andy? No, not at all. I felt I really got into it. I thought you were magnificent. Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, I mean, he's from Sunderland. It's not hard. It's not a push. TV again I see you were on the telly again the other night What have I done? Oh was it 8 out of 10 Cats or something like that You were on that You know when you go on do they ask about me Do they ask if I'd like to go on telly No I never mentioned that Do they never Say Andy from the podcast Would be good to get him on 8 out of 10 Cats Never mentioned the podcast Cast her out.

31:35No. I mean, I never go on the telly. I get asked loads. I just don't like it. You don't bother. What have you been asked to do? Have I got news for you on that? Yeah, all of them. Yeah. But I have come up with some TV formats for me and you to do. All right, go on. If you can run them by you. Last one, Standing on Ice. Right. We're on neighbouring blocks of ice, me and you, and we have to try and make the other ones ice block melt before our own block does. All right. lasts about six hours at no point are either of us allowed to speak. Okay. Good luck with that. I'll pitch that if you want. Don't put my name to it, Andy.

32:13Why is that? Try Michael McIntyre, something like that. Right, because he's more popular than you. Exactly. Right. All right, another one, Master Shits. Ooh. We'll be the presenters of that. It's four members of the public and they cook a light meal while we're both being fucking horrible at them in all manner of ways. The one that withstands all of that the best and makes the nicest meals the winner. Okay. So again, that's me and you. I think that's been done. I think that's been done, Andy. Does it feel familiar, does it? Yeah, a bit. Right, that's a shame. I really like that one. Then there's on top of the factory.

32:52It's a bit like Greg Wallace's inside the factory, but it's me and you. It's me and you, right? Right. It's us. We're on the roof of the factory and we're trying to work out what kind of factory it is just from maybe looking in a skylight or something like that. Yeah, sniffing the emissions, that sort of thing. Maybe it's going to go in through the chimney, possibly, if that's, you know, applicable. Okay. Do you like that? I'll pitch that. Should I pitch that? Don't put my name to it. Maybe try Jimmy Carr, something like that. He's more popular. Do you think it's got more chances? It's more of a Jimmy Carr sort of idea.

33:22Hey, what about this one? Just me and you cracking eggs until they get a doubler. could be anything from 10 minutes to 10 hours, you know. This is why they pay you the big bucks. Exactly. Come up with some of that. I might pitch that. I might pitch that. Me and David Mitchell would be good, that. No, me and you. You said it was me and you, didn't you? Oh, did I? Yeah. Well, we'll see what the broadcaster says about that. Thanks. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you so much. Thanks for joining us. Ta-da. See you, Andy. See you, Bob.

34:00Thank you.