The Safety First Collection Vol. 1

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0:46I've discovered a new rapper lad from the borough, from Middlesbrough. He sent us this song. Right. If you don't mind, I wouldn't mind playing it. I think he's got a chance, you know. Let's do it then, yeah. All right, here we go.

1:11Yeah, nice one. You're joking, aren't you? There's dogs in my backyard, like, means my washing line's unapproachable, you know, so I tell you, that stuff is lethal, Todd, you know, and it can penetrate my crocs, so it'd be much simpler if my dog shat rocks. Safety first, ain't you not? My washing line remains vibrant despite this onslaught of Todd.

1:49Hey, oi! Get off that fucking bridge, you doyle. The supports you're about to give. You know, some lads messing about with it. Throwing stuff at the supports and undermining them, so... Yeah, get off the bridge. safety first a replacement van service will probably be provided by the council or you could use the footbridge at Pallister Park anyway safety first so there goes Ken in his purple trackie off to the co-op to buy his backie he shit his pants by the state of his walk Walks the only Ken Clenchy cheeks Your wife isn't washing now For a good couple of weeks Save for first Ken Ha! Oh look there There's a plaster on the move there He's on his way Some Turkish laughter From the kebab shop Ron's been turned away From the mental hospital again A four lift deliveries Fucks up So, what's the driver do?

3:03He eats a donut. A donut. Safety first, you cunt. Honest. Don't snap on the job. Safety first. There you go. I'll send that to you, Bob. All right.

3:21Wow. I enjoyed that. Do you think he's got a chance? Has he got a name? He's arriving. That's his name. MC Borough.

3:35MC Pallister Park, we'll call him. I don't know. He sounds a bit scary to me, so because I go up the borough, I want it to play after he's sent it. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, I like him. He's got a chance, I think.

3:53Listen, I like to start these parsnips these days with one of my safety wraps, Andy. You know of that don't you yeah i've become aware of that recently yeah so i'm going to i'm going to call it performing i'm going to perform that now all right yeah please do

4:16well you see a lot of it around here like you know people not taking enough care for the safety in potentially dangerous situations like um to be honest makes me sick in my stomach, you know. So look, over there, now, there goes Ron, Ron Chin, walking like he shit himself, on his way at the crematorium, I expect, in his slip-resistant shoes, when we all know he has a pair of anti-slip Doc Martens in his lock-up, so to be honest, if he falls, fuck him. I'm not lifting him up, not with my bad back, you know what I mean. Safety first, Ron, you know, don't be a Doyle. So what's this here on the wall of the psych hospital.

5:00Oh, my God. Your lad is on the wrong angle, mate. You should get down adjusted. Well, I'll report he's just ignored me. It's up to him, I suppose. If he had fallen, now that could do. I dropped my phone in the car plate yesterday whilst I was playing Las Vegas Poker Kings on it, you know. Safety first, mate. Honestly, don't be a todder. Woo, look at that Herbert over there with his thin tash and his Sports Direct socks trimming his edge you won't believe this without safety glasses one wrong flick of that blade and his eyes are shot to shit hey, you lose your sight mate I'm not giving you directions my eyes are fully bogged and I can't tell up from fucking down these days I can't safety first Tashi at least shield your face with your free hand you slack bastard

5:59well I hope it's given you a few ideas safety wise ladies and gentlemen I've been Bruno Esquire I hope you enjoyed the rap do you want a name Andy? what was his name there? Bruno Esquire? yeah I think so we didn't quite have a name last was it some kind of park in Middlesbrough was it? was it called Palisades Park? Palisades Park I just don't know Andy I can't remember I just don't know. Well, I've become acutely aware, Andy, that it's a while since we've had a safety bullet in from Mickey Nixon, the borough lad, you know. That's his official name now, Mickey Nixon. Mickey Nixon, yeah. It's important stuff, you know.

6:43I mean, I believe, just like Mickey, that hazard awareness is actually at an all-time low, Andy. So I've asked Mick, and he sent me a little extract from his latest safety diary, so I thought you might like to hear that. All right, Charles. You're joking, aren't you? So the tarmac outside my drives blistered, like, raised itself up, you know, a bit like a fucking cobra, so just waiting to take me down. I've told the council, but they're too busy printing fucking leaflets about some foreign hornet that's kicking the shit out of the UK bees, like, you know. Some of the edges round here you need cutting back could poke your eye out and knock the end off your tab mid-draw, you know.

7:38Think about it. You know, if the burning end, like, fell on your dog, it might, you know, tod up or spew and you've got a whole new slip hazard, not to mention the poor aesthetics for the neighbourhood, like, you know. Oh look there There goes Ron Chins Walking like he's just shit a Rubik's Cube Probably on his way to Greg's for a steak bake You know when he knows He should be eating more fibre really Got a stash of Bog roll in his lock up With a fucking dial One spark that will light up like a vicar Farting on his thickest Candle If that happens I won't be carrying The fucking water bucket not with my dodgy knees honest it's like bone on bone at the moment got to know your limit limitations safety first yeah there goes Ken Ken Bass getting thrown out of the health centre probably showed his tinkle to the receptionist again that crutch he's using needs adjusting putting too much far too much strain on his left hip at that length if it swells up and he needs steroids there isn't a quack in the North East that'll treat him you know with his record of exposing himself if he falls near me there's noot I can do with my bone on fucking bone knees and I can't phone for help because I dropped my phone off the motorway bridge when I was playing Las Vegas Poker Kings wasn't for the railings I'd have been a goner too safety first whoa bloke over there in the little car park having the shit on a pack of two frozen turkey breasts look at it I think it's called a teesside marinade but you don't need me to tell you that you don't need me to tell you that without a bit of yoghurt it's not going to do the job downpipe there on the front of the buoys it's come off it's housing any time soon that could come down come off completely fall on a toddler or an unsuspecting migrant.

9:52Safety first, you know.

9:58Oi, oi mate, get off that kiddie's roundabout. Can't you see your big fucking feet are creating a rut in the surrounding soil? If a kid approaches the thing, then it could bang its head on the stanchions, wobble its brains to the shithouse and back. starting him talking like a fucking goose. None of your business, fuck off, mate. Nah, it never thought it is, is it? And meanwhile, A &E fills up with avoidables. Safety first, mate. What's in your plaggy bag anyway? Just a bit of washing. Taking it to the laundrette. Wife's refusing to do any washing until I do something about the insects on the mattress lake.

10:42Fair enough. but if you decide to spray the mattress, do it outside, you know, keep the room well ventilated. Bloke over there from council blowing leaves from one place to another, stirring up all sorts of fucking cack and allergens. What's wrong with a fucking broom and shovel? He's not even wearing safety glasses. One kick back of that shite and his eyes will frazzle like mouse piss on a hot griddle. Safety first, lad. safety first so that's nice of him, some good advice there Andy from Mickey Mickey Nixon that's good, A &E there inundated with avoidables which is a shame avoidables yeah

11:30Mickey Dixon has sent me one of his little, what do you call them rants vignettes I don't know what a vignette means but I'm happy to go with that Shall we have a listen to what he's got to say? Let's have a listen to it right now

11:54Alright lads Mickey Dixon here Everything looking safe around you You're fucking joking aren't you? Look over there like Frank Cowden cleaning the shite out of his gutters on an unsecured ladder. Got a little of patty baguettes in one hand, some sort of hook in the other, like, you know. If he bites down hard on that patty, he's a goner, I tell you. And if he ends up on the pavement, I can't help him because me lower back vertebrae completely fucked, you know. Honestly, it's boring and boring, and I can't phone for help because I threw me phone in the street last night when I lost a game of surf and calamari on the Paddy Power roulette.

12:41Like, anyway, safety first. Try and think straight, Frank Eldon. Think about the consequences. Have a good think before you're funny about. Like, oh, aye, there's Ron Shin. Walking like he's just shit out an airfix kit.

13:00Probably on his way at the doctor's, like, to the surgery for his repeat prescription. It's a painkiller he's on late for his dodgy hip. Reckons it's born on born, you know, but I doubt it very much. Shouldn't have fallen over in the first fucking place if he'd been wearing non-slip soles instead of them tart and slippers he never takes off, even when he's in the fucking bath. Footwear choice, you see, makes a difference. Make it weather and terrain dependent. Safety first, lads, safety first. Hey Bill, what are you doing poking around in those dustbins full of bacteria, sharp objects, broken glass, drill bits, that sort of shite?

13:43I mean, it's not like you'll have any antibacterial gel on you, is it? You'll be shaking someone's hand and it's fucking bacteria dominoes, you slack bastard. Why don't you mind your fucking business, Mickey? Because if I don't pick you up, nobody will. Then we've got another circle of filth on our hands, haven't we? I'm just looking for a pair of slacks or jeans. The wife isn't doing any washing this week. No, my pants are actually shite like with baked beans and egg and that. Fair enough, Will. But could you not wear maybe some gardening gloves or poke around with a stick? No, my gloves are in for the wash and the coppers will nabble if I'm seen with a stick.

14:27Because, you know, I've got caught throwing sticks at Cat's Lake. Aye, aye. I'll let you off this time but I'm begging you Bill take a bit more care think safety first think safe before you're funny about you know like Ross Kemp in the fucking favelas safety safety first lads I'm joking aren't you oh that's it there he goes there we are thank you Mickey

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16:36Just to mention that Mickey Dixon has been in touch and he's got a mate from Sunderland who has kind of has the opposite views to him, I think, with safety. Yeah. So, yeah, I've got the memo through. He's called Chris Tibbs. Chris Tibbs and he's done a sort of like rap battle I think it's only fair that we play it Mickey's very upset because none of the political parties are putting safety at the top of their priorities he says just asking for trouble but anyway we'll play it see how it goes Andy I should warn you a couple of Mickey sections are a little bit long so don't worry they do end what a surprise

17:29alright lads Mickey Dixon here, safety first you're joking aren't you look at that Doyle Frank Cowden over there using an electric trimmer to prune his edge no safety glasses no steel cap boots and he's got a fag in his mouth like he's down the book he's having a fart behind the gaming machine if the wind gets up and blows tabash in his eyes then that blade could slide straight through his eyeballs you know they're unprotected he'll end up on the deck screaming for help but I can't do out like you know my L1 and L2 vertebrae more or less fused it's literally bone and bone and I can't phone for help because the wife's locked me phone to stop me playing dragons and donuts you know on the Apple game shop you know that fuck Oi Frank I can't watch this Frank Frank get some safety goggles on you slack bastard Fuck off Mickey Mind your own business Nah you won't be saying that if your eyes get mashed the fuck up Yeah well at least I won't have to see you Puck and your nose around the fucking estate Ah fuck you Frank Nah fuck you Frank Nah fuck you Mickey Hey how's your back doing Ah it's bone on bone Frank A fucking nightmare mate.

18:50Have you tried Pilates? Janet Peacock runs a class every morning in a conservatory. Nah, the wife would hot sugar me face if I hung around in the Peacock's conservatory. She reckons the finials on the roof are a fucking eyesore. It's up to you, mate. What shape you making that hedge, Frank? Like a big arse so you can stare through the hole in the middle when you're nosing around. Ha ha, good one, Frank. Whoa. Chris Tibbs here for Sunderland. I get up to Pete Lee a couple of times a week. Go on the bus. Safety first, aye. Fucking reckon.

19:31There's Mike the Shite over there. Don't know what his real name is. He doesn't know what his real name is. Just when he calls him Mike the Shite. Sat there on his doorstep. He's out on derelease at the minute. been doing eight months for rubbing knickers off washing lines he's got his alisacen chewing on a load of batteries that he's given rechargeable so probably alright, who knows fucking go for it son that's what I say safety first, fucking safety never the adult orphan over there, young Mark I think he's called, aimless lad in every respect of life. He's got his cellar crossbow from cash converters and he's firing an arrow straight up in the air and then he's looking down playing chicken when it comes down.

20:30Reckless as fuck. Lovely. Character building. The thing is though, it's got to be better than not doing it. Safety last mark. Look there goes Ron Chin walking along like he's just shit a miniature drone out probably on the way to the chemist to pick up his tramadol and some oxy for his wife like alright Ron how's your hip getting on it's fucking awful Mickey it's bone on bone it's like someone scraping up the joint with a rasp on one of them fancy parmesan graters you know like Janet Peacock users. Ah, tell us about it. Do you mind me asking Ron, why don't you use a walking stick or one of them walkers that you grab with your hands, you know.

21:19If you go down I can't help. I'm born I'm born myself. Where you off to anyway? I'm going to Pilates at the Peacocks Conservatory. Meant to be good for your core strength general movement. You can't do Pilates Ron with your back. You're just gonna look a Jan of Peacocks' ass, aren't you? What do you think of the finials on the conservatory roof? A bit fancy for my liking. The wife reckons they're a potent barnstable on the view from our lounge like. Do you mean barnacle? You would have to ask her. Are you wearing any sunscreen, Ron? Reckon it's going to be a hot heat today. You don't want your skin burning and turning into scratchings.

22:05Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Mickey? because if I don't keep an eye on things then nobody will and we'll have another circle of medical shite on our hands. A and E is at breaking point and it's mainly skin shit and bone on boners. Think safety, Ron, before you're funny about like Nick Knowles on a money pit project. I will do. Good lad, Ron. Safety first. Fucking aye. I've got to go for that buster Peter Lee now. Got some people up there, I like to talk, they'll come back again a couple hours. Anyway, there's young Harry over there in the back lane behind his chicken shop. It's rumour going round he's bringing back the Cowboy Supper soon, but with a twist.

22:56Anyway, he's got a pile of chickens there in a shopping trolley and he's blasting them with a welding torch. Fucking nice one, mate. Could be the future of barbecuing. can well see that catching on not wearing a visor obviously cause like me he's firmly anti-EU safety last ah there's me nephew Darren on his way back from the illegal cash and carry looks like he's landed himself another consignment a hand sanitiser that's well past and sell by fucking fair play at home that's your arse here hey Darren hey don't drink it all at once lad you fucking will though hey do I try this at home or do fuck the rock yeah see if they last alright Janet I was thinking of coming to your Pilates class like you got room for a chubby lad not now Mickey I'm on my way with the planning committee oh yeah got a new project on the go yeah I'm building a two story extension on the back with an exterior climbing wall.

24:06Oh, shit, Janet. Have you thought about the safety aspects of that? Oh, shut up, Mickey, you fucking snowflake. And that, my friends, is what we're all up against. Safety first. There we go. Oh, there you go. Well, it didn't feel like a battle. It was a bit meandering, gentle, gentle little. It was, yeah, it was very confrontational, but the difference of opinions and styles and outlooks. Yeah, I thought it was good. It went on very, very long. No bad thing. Well, sorry, Parstipps, but we're just having a bash, you know what I mean.

24:48Safety first, Andrew, is important. Always. Always important. And thank you, Mickey Dixon, for sending me again some of your advice, a little snippet of your life, looking after your local area. Yes. Let's hear what Mickey's had to say. Let's have a little listen to that, shall we? Follow his advice, you'd be daft not to.

25:10All right, lads, Mickey Dixon here. You can't have your steak, bacon, eat it. Safety first, you're joking, aren't you? The pussy knocked on the door this morning with a sack over his shoulder, sucking on his vape machine like he's trying to fucking suck the stone out of an olive. does he not realise that some of these vapes have heavy metals inside that could alter the brain chemistry turn his mind soft you know if the nicotine liquid gets sucked into the lungs then your lungs will melt up and be shot to a thousand shits like him what would I be able to do I can hardly take two purses with me neck of vertebra it's practically bone on bone you know I'm in no condition to rub a biro on his neck and blow his lungs back up can't phone for help either because I left me phone in Janet Peacock's Conservatory when I was doing a Pilates class safety first postie try some nicotine patches or hypnotherapy you know it worked for me when I gave up betting on the dogs oh hey up there's Ron Chin walking along like he's just shat out the claw hammer probably on his way to the chemist for an elasticated stocking oh fucking hell he stepped off the pavement Ron, get yourself back on the pavement, you slack bastard.

26:31Fuck off, Mickey. Mind your own business. I hear you were at Janet Peacock's Pilates class yesterday. Yeah, I'm on my way there. Now I left my phone in the concert room. So how come you can do Pilates with that back of yours? I thought you was born on bone. It's all about your core, Ron. Janet's very careful about putting any pressure on my back. Might do your hips some good. How are you anyway? Awful. It's more or less bone on bone me hip. Every time I take a step, it's like a fucking hip was yawning inside the joint. Aye, that sounds like bone on bone, all right. Where are you off to? Chemist.

27:08For an elasticated bandage for me knee. Well, they do offer support, Ron. But be careful. You don't overuse the knee because you get too confident. But you know I'll be bone on bone before I know it. Certainly first. Aye, thanks, Mickey. Aye, all right, Janet. it I left me phone at yours can I come around fetch it not now Mickey now I'm on me way at the barbers get me extensions re-glued should you really be exposing your scalp to adhesive Janet God knows what's in that stuff why not just have a side pattern very safe hairstyle the side pattern it's little clasps not adhesive you fucking dial right I don't know Mickey probably I mean they're not gonna be sorry it's clasps not adhesive you dial I don't know Mickey probably I mean there's not gonna be wood on me are there what's your what's your fucking point so like if you get a bag on the head like say from falling debris and it smacks on one of these clasps it's gotta be a chance the metal could penetrate your skill your skull ah shut up Mickey fucking snowflake and that my friends is what we're up against safety first yeah you're joking aren't you I don't know Andy there you go well yeah you can't mess about when it comes to safety so very important message there Mickey Nixon our mate Mickey has been in touch with some safety information Andy he sends them so let's have a listen

28:49right so let's not mince our words like you know if you don't pay attention to safety in your environment then you know you're not taking care of yourself are you you know what I mean anyway you know levels broken glass boring walls you know they're about to collapse all the trip hazards broken pavers loose handrails loose roof tiles they'll get you one day if you don't keep you're never on alert now safety smifty are you joking are you so the water board inspection plate outside me drives gone missing and you know it's left like a hole about as deep as a goose's wind pipe somewhere like that trap your foot in that and you'll be on the sidelines longer than that Sandro Tenali.

29:40Ha ha. Ha ha. Yeah? Yeah. You know what I mean. Trap your foot in that. No chance, man. I've told the council but they're too busy printing foot and leaflets about Tom Kerridge's fun day in the big park featuring Brother Beyond and one of the lads out of that band Blue. Fat one, I think. I hope they've got suitable safety barriers at the front, you know, cause there'll be one hell of a stage rush when the fat lad waddles out, you know Big crush risk, lad Big crush risk risk Oh, right, there he goes, there goes Ron Chin walking like he's just shitting a leg of lamb probably on his way to B &M, you know to buy some cheap shampoo for his wife and the other adult that lives with them Jesus Christ, he's wearing unmatched shoes not a pair now, if that isn't a trip hazard then I'm Courtney Love's fucking pest controller, which I'm not, by the way, that's the point.

30:43She uses no more Mr. Mice Guy in LA. Used to use Rats All Folks, but they went bankrupt when the boss got deep into crypto.

30:59So if he trips up, I wouldn't be able to upright him like. not with my knees, they're bone on bastard bone at the moment and before you ask I am on the anti-inflammatories but they tend to make me arse very heavy, you know so it's a catch 22 situation really Ron, Ron, do you know you've got different shoes on each foot, Joe? None of your fucking business mate! Oh no, it never fucking is, is it? You do realise that if you fall, I can't help because I'm in a bone-on-bone situation with a knee, like, and I can't phone for help because her wife snapped my phone off me because I spent last week's disability on in-app purchases for Tomb of Destructor on Apple Arcade.

31:46What's in your plaggy bag? Insects mainly? Bottle of Oasis Tropical Drink. All right. Where are you off to? B &M. going to buy a colouring book for the other adult that lives in the house. Oh, it's a nice idea, but if you're getting wax crayons, remember there can be a swallowing hazard. Be careful that that other adult who lives in the house doesn't chew them because wax could constipate him so bad, his mind will begin to bend inwards and he'll start barking like a rottweiler at a monster truck rally. Hey, Ron, are you wearing a sports bra? your frontage doesn't seem as loose as normal. Yeah, I'm giving it a run out.

32:30I've lost the cartilage on one of me neck vertebrae. Oh, man, Mickey, it's bone on bone, so I need all the relief I can get. Good for you, Ron. Be careful with the clasp, like, at the back door. Some of the metal ones can be hypoallergenic, you know. Ask your wife or that other adult that lives in your house to check for any rash or swelling, you know, right, when you get back. Well, Joe, see you, Mickey. Yeah, look over there. Don Gough, using a wire brush to remove some of the cack off the wheel arches on his Fiat Panda. No gloves, no eye protection, no dust mask. Recipe for disaster. If a sharp bit of cack gets in his eye, then it's a trip to ear and ear and a cack removal procedure that might leave him, I don't know, with eye bogging or restricted judgment, you know, when he's placing his daily hacker.

33:23Don, shouldn't you be wearing goggles or something? Should you be minding your own business, you naughty bastard? I told you, sir. I heard you and your wife had a walk round the cloisters at Durham Cathedral at the weekend. Did you enjoy it? Very nice, thank you. Do you want me to talk about the experience? Not really, Don. Been too much cloister talk recently. How's your knees? Born on board. Anyway, be safe, John. Be safe. Safety first, boys and girls. Hey, all right, Karen. Oh, Karen, the wheel on your kids... Sorry? All right, Karen. The wheel on your kids' buggies on the piss. If you have to make a sudden turn, you could spill the kid on the road and could get run over by a Maserati.

34:14Any other vehicle, really. Fuck off, Mickey. I will do. Have a nice day. keep it safe and that's where he ends it Andy so that was lengthy that was lengthy but no I like how it's developed from a very short and spiky advice service into what seems to be now a soap opera set somewhere in the north east born on born born on fucking born

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