Boiled Parsnips 53: Cupboard Dogs

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0:46Hello there, Bob. All right, Andy. All right, Parsonipers. How are you doing? All right. You're up so nice one. Is everyone calm? Are you calm? I'm pretty calm, yeah. Andrew, I've got to say, you've decided to wear some kind of 1950s Sunderland shirt, and I don't blame you for being Cocker Hoop. Were you there? I was there, yeah. It was fucking brilliant. It was so good. Yeah, it's not a 1950s. It's got a bit of a 1950s feel about it, but it's from 1997, 1998. Right, nice shirt. It's even got a button. Look at that, it's got a button in the V-neck. Isn't that nice, a proper collar as well? Yeah, collar and button.

1:24You could appear in court wearing this, I think. Just put a tie on over it. Get away with that. So tell us about your day very briefly. What did you eat? What did I eat? I started off with a travel lodge breakfast at about 10, 10.15am, which we regarded as going to be our ballast for the drinking that was going to commence from about half 11. Kick-off was at three. I think I've still... I haven't got my voice back from it yet, to be honest. I had a couple of drinks in the hotel, headed over to Wembley, had three pints in Wembley Stadium itself. Hey, get this, a pint of Budweiser in Wembley Stadium,£7.25.

2:06I thought that was reasonable. Yeah, it wouldn't have surprised me if you'd said Matena, yeah. Yeah, I thought that. Budweiser plus steak and ale pie, special offer,£10.99. Oh, that's very good. Isn't it? I mean, that's Wetherspoon prices, isn't it? Just about. So I had that, had the pie on top of the Travel Lodge breakfast. It was about five drinks in. I had another pint at half time. And what a day. What a day. What a day. The atmosphere was incredible. I'm sure it came across on the telly I'm sure you were rooting for us when you were watching it Of course I was Thank you very much No, you know me Andy, I'd like Middlesbrough, top of the Premier League then Sunderland, then Newcastle all three of us, why not?

2:48Why not indeed, we can dream Well done you lot At the end did you shout onto the pitch Well done, well done lads Well done the lads in white I shouted, you've made us proud Good for you Kind of like that. Was that your first time at Wembley? Just hugging people, hugging strangers. Sorry, darling, what did you say? I just lost you there for a moment. The signal dropped. Oh, right. You're lurking in your fucking wardrobe, wherever it is you are. I think this is how they do the rest of politics. You look, you're so pleased with yourself. You look like, here's what you look like. It's a list. You look like your pet monkey has just set out a tea party for you.

3:30Yeah. You look like the vicar just telephoned to say that you've won hardest prayer of the week. Looks like you've just come back from B &M with the last 10-pack of cheese and onion ringoes. It looks like you've just ironed a fitted sheet and it wasn't a total fuck-up. But well done to you, sir. Thank you very much. It's nice to feel happy for once. I've got some names for you, Andrew, for your consideration. Straightforward, lad. He's called Eric Scheidt. He's American post-punk drummer, you know, like Green Day and all that. Got posh parents and skateboards at the age of 55, despite his enlarged prostate.

4:12That's Eric. Nick Swallow wants to be an ITV detective or appear in a Guy Ritchie movie as a henchman with an axe. Who loves midget gems, though? Soft aside to him, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Combination Roger Guess the correct four number combination And he'll buy you a pizza Or any item from Halfords up to£14.99 Right Pat O 'Jackson, horse breeder How many of these names have you got? Fucking four Pat O 'Jackson, horse breeder Trying to breed a horse with the face of Eric Cantona And the legs The legs of that bloke who was in the post office drama thing You know, on ITV So that's what he's up to I'll be that last one Pat or what?

5:00Pat or Jackson alright Pat Pat or Jackson thank you very much I've got two for you Gordon sorry I haven't got four you could be Chris Markings yeah he's got a pipe that comes out of his stomach and it squirts dear glow matter on the areas of concern ok in the street and he there takes photographs and reports it to the council uploads the photographs doesn't send them in as printed developed photos uploads them. Good lad. He uploads them. Got the air. Or you can be Death Chimp 2030. Does he send in photographs? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Uploads them. He uploads them. He's got an uploader.

5:41What's my other choice? Death Chimp 2030. Yeah. This fella in a chimp suit, he's either going to die or he's going to kill in 2030. He's not sure yet. But it's definitely 2030 the year and not half yet. So there you are I'll be the first lad, if you don't mind Chris Markins On account of that it's matter It's matter That he sprays about It's not a liquid but it's not a solid either It's matter It's matter I've got some topics of interest Andrew Right Always do First one is, what's going on with the quality of eggs these days You know Maybe you've been hit with the low quality eggs. I don't know.

6:30I'm just writing that down, yeah. Sorry, Andrew. I just wrote that down there. I typed it out on me unit. Yeah, okay. Do you ever sharpen your knives? Kitchen knives. Good topic, good topic. Thank you. Do you know why the Donner kebab knife is so long? Oh, I'm writing that down as well on me unit. Do you know the correct way to eat a chocolate digestive? Yes, I do. What is it then? Let's discuss this now. Discuss that now? Yes. Well, apparently it's with the chocolate facing towards the land, the ground. Yeah. But that's what we've been told by fucking, I don't know, experts. Yes, Oxford University, I believe, Andrew.

7:20Is it? Yeah. Well, expert or gobshite, something like that. But it's bollocks. Well, there's two parts to it, Andrew. You should grasp it in your hand with the chocolate facing upwards because that gets your mind anticipating chocolate, kicks it into chocolate expectation mode. And as you say, flip it over so that the chocolate's against your tongue, which is what you said. It comes out of the packet facing upwards, so I assume that's the way you're supposed to eat it. Yeah. But it's meant to be chocolate on the tongue, is it? Then you flip it and you put it in your mouth. That's so tiresome. What's the ideal length for a movie, Andy?

8:01And does it differ between watching in the cinema or watching at home? I think anything over 100 minutes has taken the piss. I think you're about right there, Andy. Can you bear a bit more if it's at home? I can bear more if it's at home because you've got the ability to pause, go out the toilet, go out the fridge, leave the house, take the dog for a walk if you want to I can do two and a half hours at home, but it's got to be good yeah fair enough last night I watched a four hour long documentary about fucking Pee Wee Herman oh Jesus Andy have a bit of a filter on you, did you enjoy it? well I went to bed after three and a half hours I've got the rest of it to watch, but yeah it was good it was good OK, you have some strange interests.

8:51I watched the John Harn thing. I think it's called Friends and Neighbours. Yeah. Oh, it's terrible, man. Really weak. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Do you want a Scottish tale, Andrew? Ooh, that's come out of nowhere. Yeah. I certainly do. I certainly do. Does it have music with it, or is it just... No. It feels like it does, but it doesn't. Here we go then. Huy Callum McTartan had long yearned to experience life on the mainland, but time was running low, as his 18th birthday was but three days away and he had been chosen to work in the service of the Laird, shining pebbles on the beach at Mocclagan Tregowan Cove.

9:42There he would be tethered to the listening stone by iron chain and his chance of leaving the island would be forever over. The work was so chaotic and tortuous that it would be unlikely he would see out his twentieth year. As he walked along the shore at Pitgovan, McTaggart, Campbell, Baxter, he stared over towards the mainland with a tear in his eye and a despondent fearful smoke meandering through his arteries and veins. He sat down on a grassy clump, closed his eyes and imagined himself strolling through the streets of a mainland town. Outside a Pets at Home store, he would pass an XL Bully Dog tethered to a concrete bollard, its owner emerging from the shop with five kilo sack of tendons and connective tissue.

10:40He would pop into Greg's the baker's shop and breathe in greedily the aromas of room temperature mints and warm his cheeks beside the lamp-powered hot boxes. Maybe he would order a coffee and a rolled sausage. No, he would wait and enjoy a relaxing snack in Custer Coffee, just two doors down. Costa would be busy and welcoming but a seat would be available by the window overlooking the rear of KFC What can I fetch for you laddie? the young lassie behind the counter would ask Oh, a hot chocolate please And will you be requiring any cakes or savouries with your beverage? Aye, could I take a bilberry muffin?

11:29Of course, that'll be£34 laddie He would take his cake and drink to the table where he would open up his laptop computer and begin writing an important email to his media work colleagues, suggesting a meeting should be arranged to discuss whether a meeting should take place. Then a lassie would approach him and inquire as to the availability of the seat opposite. She would place her shoulder bag on the back of the seat And then remove the red kagool she wore Revealing that she had plenty on the top to be proud of And enough spare time for the foreseeable future As he gazed at her in the window reflection He felt his personal pipework reach towards his jean pocket And gently nudge at his house keys And the small Kilmarnock FC key ring he had found washed up on Magot's so simple beach.

12:29He opened his eyes and he was back on the grassy clump staring out to sea. Thus was it. He was going to escape, swim to the mainland, and if he didn't make it due to the tides and the currents and the distance of it all, then so be it. He ran to the water's edge and dived into the water. After no more than 50 metres of progress He felt a tugging and a pulling around his legs and his torso It was taking him under and no more progress could be made Suddenly he was lifted full out of the water And found himself in the grip of a tentacle It was the Laird security octopus Pete Walker And his grip was getting tighter and tighter But it was no the constriction or pressure on his organs that killed him No, he died instantly when he stared into the eyes of the security octopus For it had the face of Toby Jones The face of Toby Jones The face of Toby Jones Nice little tale there poor lad That's lovely I missed me bin day yesterday.

13:51You did what? I missed me bin day yesterday. You know what? I did that as well two weeks ago. And the thrill that I got... Are yours every two weeks? Yeah, different bin every week, but, you know, two weeks per bin. Was this your general worst one then? Yeah. That you missed? Yeah. Same. I did two weeks ago, but I loved the thrill and the challenge of getting through another two weeks without it overflowing. And I managed to do it. I'd have managed, I'd have imagined you'd create quite a lot of cack, you know, like. Yeah, you'd be right. You'd be right, yeah. Just unnecessary waste from your day-to-day activities, yeah.

14:30Do you like pizza? Yeah, I like pizza. What do you like about it?

14:38You know what? It's easy. It's convenient. I like all the various flavours. You like the tomatoes on top of the bread and that? Yeah, tomato paste. Yeah. And the melted cheese. I like melted cheese. Okay. You'd not like pizzas? I think they're shit. You know, I'm sorry, but I think pasta and pizza, you know, I'd rather have mutton. Right. Or a nice stew or two veg or something like that. Just some raw hazlers. Something like that. Should we have some questions from the parsnippers? If you insist, Andrew, of course. the first one I've got here is aimed specifically at me from Tim Dowse Andy, what's your darts average and is your lad better than you?

15:27is it a good opportunity for me to mention the Unserious Darts podcast that I do with my lad? how's it going, alright? it's going alright when he can be asked to do one I haven't done one for a couple of weeks but there you go my average, I've done what my average is it's probably about 29 29 to 33, something like that something bad, but he plays much more than I do, but I still sometimes beat him, which enrages him. I bet. I wouldn't like to get beaten by you, the ball. No. I think my average is around 35. Shit, innit? It's because of the doubles, Andy. I can sometimes get to the doubles with a decent average, 72 or something like that.

16:11Oh, right. So do you play with one of them computer a score of things. I don't, I'm just guessing. If you include them doubles, my average is probably about six. Do you just guess it throughout all your life, you know? You get a mortgage out, I'm just a good deal, I don't know, I was just guessing. Yeah, usually, it usually works out alright. Are you happy with your shopping? I don't know, I was just guessing. I bought two bags of flour and a pack of fags, yeah, should be alright. Last us the week. I, um, I was... No, I have another question, Andy. You know, why not? Let's have a look. Let me find one, Andrew.

16:53Peter, no, Lee Berman. If you... If you had the power to summon 50 ducks to your location on demand, would you ever use the power? And for what purpose? Well, what would you do, Andy? When would you do it? just for the thrill of having 50 ducks there, just frolicking. I wonder what happens to them when they've come, you know, whether they can instantly go as well. That's the question. Do you have the power to then get them to fuck off again? Yeah, fuck off ducks. Yeah. I've thought it would be good at like a circus interview or something like that. Suddenly, you know, I could make 50 ducks, 100 ducks per year.

17:37Or feed, if I was with some allies in the forest, Before battle or something? You know, it could happen. They'd have to be allies, wouldn't they? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I wouldn't... Would the duck's purpose be what? Like, boost morale among you and the allies? Well, morale boost, and then you slaughter them, and don't they say an army marches on its stomach? Right. You know, I mean, I wouldn't camp down with me enemies, Andy, before a battle. That would be... Well, what if you were a spy? Oh, I see what you mean. and they'd think I was less of a spy if I gifted them 50 ducks, wouldn't they? I don't know what they'd think.

18:14I haven't figured that out yet. I did have about 25 starlings in my back garden last week and they just appeared out of nowhere and just started pecking on stuff on the grass. And then they pissed off again. I haven't seen them since. I don't know what that's about. Were you hoping they would be friends and that? I would hope so. It's a bit like 50 ducks, but 25 starlings. Same thing. Andy, wife's sent me some questions to ask you Jesus Christ Andy asks the wife she says hello by the way hello Bob's wife do you ever use your imagination? is that it? that's the question do I ever use my imagination?

18:59sometimes, yeah sometimes I imagine what it would be like just what it would be like what things would be like Yeah, what would it be like? Just if I'm guessing when I'm doing the shopping, that takes some imagination. You know, three boxes of Oxo cubes and a fucking red pepper. So you imagine what you... So you do, you imagine what you might fancy for your tea when you get back. Yeah, manifest them. Manifesting's the new word for imagination, I think. Okay, so I'll tell the wife that you do, especially when you're shopping for your mints and that. she says your double chin or Sunderland necklace as it's known did your parents utilise it instead of a bib when you were a baby you know with it being a wipe clean feature I don't remember because I was a baby so I'd have to ask them but I would imagine yes I was a very chubby baby you'd be surprised to find no chubby baby a chubby chubster and I had white hair Bloody hell That's like the ghost of a baker Bloody hell Have you ever been to Peterborough Or danced with a man from Peterborough?

20:16I've passed through Peterborough Passed through? I've never stayed over And you can't dance with anyone there When you're just passing through True So thank you for that question though Hey no worries I'll report back to her Andy They should be very happy with that. So, well.

20:41Get that Amex gold card ready. I'm way too tired to cook tonight. You read my mind. With the gold card, we can get up to$120 a year in statement credits. Are you feeling the Cheesecake Factory, Five Guys? Either of those sound good? Yes. Which one? Both. pay with the gold card to receive up to $10 a month in statement credits at participating partners, uncover more ways to reward yourself at AmericanExpress.com slash Explore-Gold enrolment required, terms apply

21:17OK Andy quite a big moment for us because it's time to hand out the end of season football awards and I know you didn't know about this We're actually joined on the line now by Mr. Roy Hodgson. Hello, Roy, and thanks for joining us. My pleasure. So, well, let's get cracking. So, who's your team of the season? Oh, it's very easy for me. That has to be the Age of Sigmar. The Skafentine Fox was a thing of pure magic and joy, in my humble opinion. The Grey Seer is a fucking lovely model with the detailing of a screaming bell on its base. Right, sorry, right, I think you've misunderstood slightly. Shut up, little boy, I'm still talking.

22:04I was last keen on the rat ogres, a bit too cartoonish for me. The oversized heads didn't really gel with the age of sigma. It's thick, but that's a small criticism in the grand scheme of things. Right, sorry, what we actually want to talk about is football. I've got no idea what you've actually just said to me. It's whatever, pal. I'm talking about Has my voice changed slightly? Maybe. Whatever. What was that? Sorry. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Oh, sorry. Sorry, there's been a mix-up, Roy. We wanted your football opinions. Oh, right. Why, do you want to try again, then? Yeah, please, no worries.

22:56Player of the season, how about that? Well, that's got to be me. I've got a brand-new six-foot-by-four-foot table set up, which I've relocated to my garden shed after the wife said my noises were distracting her and her best mate, Christine, from their puzzle books. No, no, as far as I know, right, you're not a player anymore. Right, honestly, football, that's what we're talking about. Oh, right, you're my best character. Well, it's very hard to look beyond the Crutox rampages, to be honest. They're packed full of momentum and speed, with dynamic posers being held up by just one heavy paw, in some cases.

23:34Sweet as fuck! I'm sorry, Roy, but weren't the Crutox Rangers issued in March of last year? Oh, yeah, but each War Hour season is 18 months long, so he's still qualified, huh? I see. You bloody dipstick! Oh, thanks, Roy. Look, finally then, what are your thoughts on best atmosphere this season? Well, that's my shed again. I've had the base of my table kitted out with a high-quality sheet of black linoleum and my soul just practically gliding across it. I'm not lonely. There's a wood pigeon who sometimes sits on the windowsill, watches me as I play. Well, that's nice, Ray. Yeah, it is. I'm sure I heard him chirp with joy the other day when I launched a stormcast prosecutor's attack.

24:17magnificent angels descended from the heavens with wings of flame their spear and shield combo reminiscent of a Roman gladiator we're running out of time a bit here Roy but just before you go have you heard anything about whether the Warhammer 40k Space Marine Remaster will be getting a PS5 release PS5 what the fucking hell is PS5 well it doesn't matter Roy thanks for joining us though What? More, mama, yeah, thank you, Roy Andy, let's not get him on again, yeah Do you know what I mean? I mean, he's obsessed I thought he'd have calmed down after Sahar and Benteke left, you know Well, I think he's just become more insular Since he finished being a football manager Yeah, maybe That can happen to men when they retire It could happen to both of us I think it's already happened to me Andy Do you think about retirement ever?

25:19Yeah I do but it's a weird one because you get asked to do stuff and it's tempting and that Or do you just regard what you do as being futile anyway? I think it is futile Partly retired anyway I mean it's pointless, futile Trivial, silly But it allows me to watch the telly and I know you've been watching Pee Wee Herman or something any other recommendation Andy at the moment, I mean the White Lotus was good wasn't it the last one, did you watch that I never got round to it I watched the first one of the fucking first series and I never got round to it I take Spring Watchers back on, I love Spring Watch yeah, people do BBC too, I don't watch it I love it, three weeks it's on this year bring it on what's it about, plants and that no hardly any plants because plants are shit it's mostly animals sometimes they'll do like a bark rubbing or something like that just to fill a bit of time in but that's minimum plant content it's mostly animals animals eating other animals alive maybe you should get into a slaughterhouse Andy if that's where you get your kicks I'm really into the Premier League now I've been really I've always been a big fan of the Premier League I'll watch anything Premier League related I'm watching a lot of old Premier League stuff now that the season's finished I'm just Premier League, Premier League, Premier League The thing is Andrew, it'll be serious for a minute you know, you're American owned aren't you?

26:51You're owned by Americans, aren't you? I think you say part American, part French and part child The problem is that we've now got 13 American owned teams in the Premier League and once they get to 14 they can out vote everyone else and they'll want to close the league like they do with American sports. No, they'll just close it for relegation and promotion so that each of those clubs is worth a fortune. So in some ways, it's a bit sad. But there you go. Yeah, but on the other hand, we're in there now. So fuck everyone else. I'm all right, Jack, yeah. I get you. Andy I was listening to Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer you know his radio show on the radio that's a good place to have a radio show on the radio on the radio where he visits celebrities' houses and has a nosy around it was a good one so I recorded it for we should have a listen please furnish us with it Have a listen That's a good thing to do Andy isn't it To listen to something if you want to hear it To a broadcast An audio thing It's a good thing to do So press play on me record You know Does he not do his theme tune at the beginning Oh he does to me Ma ma ma ma Martin Ma ma ma ma Martin Martin Tin, Tin, Tin, Tin, Tin.

28:31Hello and a great big ladies overcoat welcome to Homes Under a Hammer with me, Martin, whatever from, Martin, you know, from the TV and various entrepreneurial conferences and online subscription dream structures. So here I am outside a large modern Georgian style detached home on the outskirts of Leeds. Let's knock a doodle candy bar on the door And find out who lives here Oh, hello It's Daniel Farkey The Chief Football Organiser At Leeds Footballing Centre Hello, Daniel Now come in, please And thank you for the music I'm sorry, but who are you? I'm Marty, Mark Martin You know, from Horns Under a Hammer Why are you wearing your mother's overcoat?

29:28Because that's the way I heart you know that I like it You smell of leaf flower milk or similar? Are you aware of this circumstance? You're quite wrong That's just the smell of the bin I slept in last night So come on Danny boy let me in I suppose it's okay I must warn you there are 12 or more German Shepherd Dogs Living in various covenants throughout the property Oh fuck 12 dogs? That's a bit unusual But do you know what? I like it So this must be the living room It's very dark Black wood panelling, dark grey carpet and thick blackout curtains Is this deliberate, Daniel, or have you just made a terrible mistake?

30:24It's a quite deliberate occurrence. The darkness helps me to remain under-stimulated and docile, which is when I have all my best ideas. What ideas are those, Daniel? Give us an example. If I had some examples, I would be cocked through the hoop and over the moon. Well, just for example, it was in this room that I had the idea of buying players who were good at playing football. Also, I had in this room the idea for a fizzy apricot drink that could be sucked in via the anus. Unusual, unusual, but I do like it. Also in this room I had the idea for an online nut subscription service Called Farking Nuts The main reason it is so dark though Is that I can't see my reflection in the minutes I look so fucking drawn and unnecessary That I get most upset with myself Oh, I'm sorry to say that, Daniel For what it's worth I think you look like a sexy Turkish jewel thief You are very kind This, as you can see, is my kitchen And there are no mirrors So I have drowned it in light For to assist with the precision preparation of food Do you live alone?

31:56I think so I've never seen any other person in the house So it's just me and the cupboard dogs What food do you like to cook, you know? Stuff like Ainsley, Harriet? Or do you consider that to be silly food? Or do you consider that to be silly food? I think Harriet's food is silly and unfocused. I tend to cook sausage and potatoes and very big cabbages. Ooh, big cabbages. How big exactly? You know, pretty big. Yes, but how big? Give me a size comparison I'm sorry I lied I don't know why It's just standard cabbage

32:49Well at least you're owned up to your cabbage deception Which isn't usual these days So here Have a Mars bar on me Go on take it But it is soggy and misshapen Oh it's just a bit of bin juice No need to get all honky-tonk about it Bit of a fuss putt, are you? My masby are not good enough for you No, but I do have standards And I don't like your attitude, actually I'm asking you to leave I tell you what, if you don't want to eat it Why don't you stick it up your arse? Oh, at least I have an arse I bet you have two fannies Oh, and you look like a fanny No wonder you can't look in the mirror I bet you're not even German I bet you're Dutch or something daft like that.

33:35Oh, yeah. Who cuts your hair? Your mother's budgety guy. Ha! Your face looks like a dog date with blisters. Oh, yeah. You smell like fried witch's piss. You smell like a parboiled bellend. Get out of my house! Gladly. So, ladies and gentlemen, that was Daniel Farkey's house. And it proved to be unusual. But do you know what I like a lot? But do you know what? I liked it a lot Join me next week on Martin's Homes Under a Hammer So it was worth recording I think Andy You know Yeah it was good I like the stuff about the cupboard dogs especially Yeah it's a bit weird though isn't it? Well sometimes you've got to just keep dogs in cupboards I think Just get them out when you need them I've had an MP3 come through from the waiter at Slaughter's.

34:33Oh, right. And he's doing the ASMR thing again, but he's done a vegetarian one. Oh, nice. And I think he's done this kind of out of the remit of Ron Craggs. Craggs knows nowt about this. Well, let's hope he doesn't find out, yeah. Could be sackable, yeah. With the vegetarian community. So here we go.

34:57Cauliflower bolognese. served with raw pasta seashells. Pamboroughed jackfruit floating on a micro pond of discreetly chised pea milk. Chunks of linda meat tightly swaddled in newspaper parcels that have been sealed with wallpaper paste. Refunded pyramids of boiled matter that a minute reduced to a picture of some cheese and then drowned in a bucket of paprika. Branston's baked beans, dressed smartly in some flaky scabs of a pony's flanks. Hey, that's not veggie. Private eggs. There you go. Yeah, you interjected there. I think you might have been right. there was a little bit of a little bit of meat product in there I think but you know it wasn't too bad wasn't too bad Andy no no no no no alright I reckon that's about it yeah thank you Palsnippers for coming and having a listen be back soon indeed we will be back at some point thank you and goodbye see ya

36:26Thank you.