Boiled Parsnips 54: Medico

0:14Hey, hi Andy, how are you doing? Alright, like? Oh, we've started already, that was quick. Yeah, I'm all right. Thank you very much. It's a bit hot here today. I don't know what it's like where you are, but it's very hot here today. Hot or sweaty? Hot or sweaty? I'm very sweaty. Tits are drenched. No, but is it like a sunny day or a sweaty day? It's been sunny. The sun's just gone in last half an hour. Very, very warm. I've had all the doors and windows open. And I've had a fan on. Oh, nice one. Getting a little bit of through air to breeze across those tits. Yeah, just trying to keep them under control before they start to melt Well I was just watching Glastonbury I was watching Supertramp actually as you formed They're alright Oh they're still going, that's nice And last night I watched I thought Self Esteem was very good Sheffield, Rotherham, that's the thing Sorry?

1:09Yeah, big fan of Self Esteem. Well here's the thing I did meet The Lady once and she was one of the loveliest persons, people I've ever met in the business, as it were. Absolutely lovely, lass. She does seem lovely. Rebecca, I think her proper name is. Rebecca. God-given name. Yeah. Yeah, she's great. I'm going to go and see her in Glasgow. You're a lucky lad. I am. I'm lucky in many ways. I've got some Glastonbury tips, if you're interested. Hey, just before the tips, did you watch the 1975? I did watch them, yeah. How did you find it? me kids both love them I don't get it I've tried for years but to me they sound like go west you know not that there's anything wrong with that people love them but not that there's anything wrong with that but yeah have you been watching, have you seen the big flag of me that's at Glastonbury what, no you're fucking right it is what a twat terrible terrible Glastonbury Tips obviously this is Saturday so you might not hear this depends when it goes out but if you're anywhere near the Sagittarius tent Sunday at 11.10am Chong are going to be on 53 of the members of Chong have left since their last album but the remaining 53 have said they're going to try twice as hard so hopefully that'll be a good show if you're anywhere near the Heelan Chimney Pigeon Christmas are on there at 2pm there'll be a fire lit at the bottom of the chimney and their aim is to escape out of the top before they perish and then there's this is this is this is this is this is this is this theatre troupe then on an official stage they're just going to wander around the site in a human pyramid form and they'll be revising something about the government very nice lovely tips there Andy just made me think the pyramid Do you know the motorcycle display team?

3:12Do they still exist? Can you see that anywhere? Does it remain a thing? I don't know. Also, the police dogs that used to jump through hoops of fire as well. Is that still a thing? I don't know. It sounds like it might be outlawed, doesn't it? Maybe. I don't know. We used to have a thing near where I lived in Shiny Rub. In the next village along, Harrington, there was the Harrington Summer Fair. and it would be on every June and they'd have the police dogs jumping through the fire hoops and there would always be a celebrity that would come and open the fair and then sign autographs. We had Rod Hull and Emu one year.

3:52We had Noel Edmonds who came in a helicopter. We had Ken Dodd. I got an autograph from Ken Dodd. I queued for about half an hour to get an autograph from Ken Dodd and he was just sat behind this kind of picnic table, like a fold-away table, but his hair had all been flattened down. It wasn't old. Oh, right. And there was just a pint of lager on the floor. He'll just look like a bloke in the pub without his hair, won't he? Just a bloke. What are the teeth like, close up? Do you have a memory of the teeth? That's all I remember. That and the hair. Just teeth. You were just talking to hairy teeth.

4:25It was just some teeth with hair on it, yeah. But, yeah, good times. Do you know East Harrington? I'm aware of East Harrington, yes. I used to, when I burnt my house down, I was banished to East Harrington. You know, does it mirroring a belt to you, like the main long road that goes through East Harrington? Yeah. I mean, there's a roundabout at the bottom of a lovely pub called the Board Inn, and then you go up the hill. Yeah, about halfway up the hill. I was banished to there for a while when I was a nipper, so there you go. Was it like a borstal or something like that? No, it was me. It was me Uncle Harry's place.

5:03that's why that's why Andy the first football I ever went to was Sunderland do you know you remember Roker Park back in the day do you remember it when you could stand well yeah I used to stand all the time I couldn't afford to sit in the seats no I'm saying when it was before all the all seating business you're a young man I just wasn't sure whether I'm not a young man I'm 53 next month You are to me, because I'd have to give you credit. You know what they used to call the Roker roar? Yes. It really was, wasn't it? That was a hell of a sound you'd get. It was. It used to come from the Roker end mainly.

5:41The Roker end, yeah. They chopped it down. They chopped it down because it was unsafe. But yeah, Roker Park was standing until they closed it down in 1997. So I used to stand full. Hey, John Cooper. John Cooper Clark sent me a wav, wap, whatever. Yes. John Cooper Sunshine I should play it It's kind of him to send it Please do It's hot at the bus stop It's hot on the trains My ice cream is tainted by the stench from the drains I've got pollen in my sinus And sweat in my eyes I've got some sort of residue Dissolving my thighs Flies on my gregs There's moths in my carpeting And meanwhile outside All the dog dirts are hardening There's a bloke with his bollocks Hanging out of his shorts As the dog on his lap dribbles and snorts Fruit flies are breeding On the bananas I'm peeling Me douvet's damp Me curtain's drawn tight Best stay inside and watch Married at first sight God bless all local councillors And the security firms guarding heritage sites Throughout the UK That's nice, that's nice up John he's obviously got a bit of heart yeah, is he talking about the security guards have to wear full uniform in this weather?

7:03I know, well that's what he's saying he's sending out a little prayer for those security guards because of course these big beefy lads like to wear tight clothing so it'll be like tight, tight suits tight, tight baby they get forgotten topics of interest Andy oh aye, yeah Is pillower rice worth the extra few pennies? Yes. Oh, the definite on that, yeah? Yeah. Are you sure, or is it just the colour? What, as opposed to, like, just boiled rice? Yeah, I love boiled rice, man, just nice and plain. I'm getting fed up these days, Andy, of everything I haven't had shit added to it. Yeah, I know what you mean.

7:45Can you remember any conversations you've had with your hairdresser? Or are they abandoned as soon as they've been spoken? I haven't had a hairdresser for decades because I just shaved my own head. Okay, well, that's not going to be interesting. I talk to myself while I'm doing it. Best day to visit TK Maxx? Is there a best day? Well, there's a bit of a science to it, Andy. You know, you need to find out when the deliveries come to your local branch, Man's Wednesdays, and you do need to avoid Saturday Sundays, for Christ's sake. in all shops. Have you been in then and asked what day the delivery's come on?

8:26No, I overheard it I overheard it at the till Right, but if delivery's coming on Wednesday, does the stock get processed Wednesday? I go Thursday I go Thursday, Friday Yeah, good. Got some good stuff Disposable barbecues, Andy Wow I've got barbecues, yes or no, in my topics of interest. Oh, fuck Well, you know, there's a detail. Disposable barbecues, yes or no? Quite damaging, aren't they? Disposable barbecues. Damaging to what? To the grass? The environment. You've got them ones now. After you've finished the barbecue, you can let them off and they just fly off into the sky, don't they? That's not true.

9:07They land in fields. Cows choke on them. Is that barbecues? I've never found them very satisfactory, you know. Like, I put them on the floor and it burns the floor, you know. They're a bit too hot. And then you get banished hysterically again. Shower curtains, plain or patterned?

9:32Well, patterned. It's always nice to have something to look at when you're having a shower, isn't it? But you'd have little ducks on, would you? Or something like that. Yeah, something like that, yeah. Andy, are you free range or do you spend most of your time in your house? I'm battery You're battery, you're in the house But I have got a little run A little run inside I'm allowed to go up and down To get some exercise and some fresh air now and again That's good, I imagine your eggs will be tasty Most of my eggs are battery That I produce, yeah Have you got some topics, did you say? I've got a couple Funeral planning, has it gone too far?

10:13I don't, do you mean Yeah, I don't know Andy, you probably should. I'm knocking on a bit now and you do start thinking, oh, I don't want to leave behind a mess. Have you got a playlist for your funeral? Oh no, I won't. I won't have a funeral, Andy, I'll just honestly. Have you got a DJ book for it? No. It seems to be getting a little bit out of hand. What have I got? AI, will AI impact the future of ghosts?

10:45because I think yeah it could put an end to them couldn't it well I don't know I think we might get more because all we've got at the moment is natural ghosts but if AI can produce unnatural not supernatural but you know computer generated ghosts I think then that's going to be a big plus for the ghost industry I don't know what you feel sort of like you mean you could be able to see them out in a field or something like that yeah there's been more of them because AI will be able to, I think. Is that how AI works? I hear what you say, but it sounds like a bit of a Pokemon game or something, you know, where you go out and...

11:19Yeah, gotta catch them. Yeah, it sounds like, I think the... Like, what keeps ghosts persisting is the slightly scary side of things, but if it's just robot generated, you couldn't give a fuck, really, could you? I think maybe it's best to say we don't know. We don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. We just simply don't know. Mickey Dixon, he's been in touch, fucking Mickey with his safety advice sometimes he's Mickey Dixon sometimes he's Mickey Nixon he doesn't fucking know himself I'll play it for you Andy you might get some benefit from it I think he's a sincere in his advice you know

12:03alright lads Mickey Dixon here and it's another sunny day when people let the guard down and put safety right out of the tiny mines. Joking, aren't you? So I thought I'd take a walk down the seafront, see what concerns I could spot and pass on. Oh, look over there, it's Frank fucking Cowden. He sat out on his front lawn without any sun protection. Then moles and scabs on his guts. They're going to sizzle, crust up, you know, develop into boils and warts. You know, that's at best. Like, if he burns up, I'm not going to be able to take him to the A &E. Like, not with my knackered vertebrae, my bent hip.

12:48Honestly, it's fucking bone on bone at the moment. I can't do any heavy lifting. Can't even phone the ambulance, like, because the wife snapped my phone. She caught me on the TikTok, like, looking at a naked bloke in an aviary. I wasn't looking at it, it just came up on my feed, you know. I was actually searching for clips of, you know, them padlocks when they put them on bridges and that boy. She didn't believe us like. Oh, Frank, have you not got any sun gun, John? None of your business, Mickey. Ah, well, it is because if you end up in here, it's all us footing the bill, isn't it? And it's not like they aren't busy enough with all the pulmonary shit that's happened down the weightlifting class.

13:34Do you want some factor 50. I've got some in me carrier bag. Nah, I fucking don't. I want a nice dark tan for me belly down trip. Well, look, listen. I'll leave you a squirt on your wall and you can scoop it up, you know, if you start to sizzle like... Fuck you, Mickey. Beggars belief, please. Safety first, you're joking, aren't you? Oh, I hope there goes Ron Chin walking like he's just shit out a handbell. He'll be on his way at the beach, you know, to get pissed looking at the lasses. No doubt you'll get dehydrated and get a fucking migraine or start a fight with some fucking ten-year-olds. Ron, you sure you should be drinking in this heat?

14:18You know, especially when your immune system's shot to shit, your blood pressure's non-existent. The booze is good for keeping the inflammation in me knees down. Why don't you just keep your neb out of my fucking life? I didn't know you had any turmoil, Ron Yeah, bone on bone, man I got fucking ground flour under me patella Nah, that sounds like bone on bone, alright What have you been up to? I caught a seagull yesterday I stretched it as long as I could Using a vice so I could get a wrench I got it to nearly a metre Before I'd snap, Blake All right. Well, I'll pass no comment on that, Ron. You off to the beach?

15:05Now I'm checking some stuff to the laundry for the other adult male that lives in the outside of his bed again. I will be sure to put it in the hot washer on to kill any bacteria the other adult male's deposited. Have you considered getting a plastic mattress cover for the other adult, you know, to protect it from getting tod taint? Aye, maybe I'll go now. Fuck off, will you? Aye, I will do. Blimey, look at the beach there. Don and Gillian Gough, having a sunbathe on the deck, Jers. He should be wearing socks, cover up that ankle, Lulsa. And she should keep them false knockers undercover before they swell up in the heat and the brine bursts out.

15:48Are they done, Jill? How's it going? Yeah, they tell you what appeared. Good one. Hey, I was just talking to Ron Shin. that other adult male that lives with him and his wife shit the bed again. Fucking hell, Mickey. We're trying to enjoy our dogs here. The other adult male. Aren't we, Gillian? Yeah. The other adult male on Ron's was in our garden. You know the other adult male at Ron's? He was in our garden last night eating a rabbit. Oh, that sounds about right. Just thinking, shouldn't you choke cover up a bit? No chance, we're off to Benny Dome next week Gillian wants a nice dark tan for when she does the karaoke I will make sure you give the microphone a wipe with an antibacterial Before you sing, Gill Hey, I heard you two went to that soundproofing talk at the town hall How did that go?

16:43Very interesting Do you want me to talk about it in detail? Or can I just get and finish this hot dog? Nah, you'll get on I've been far too much talk about soundproofing around here recently. How's your back, Mickey? You on the ante in flams? Nah, they don't touch it, man. Born on, born on. I'm on the tramadol, but it's made me start drinking paint again. Anyway, be safe, John. You're joking, aren't you? Oh, that's Ian. So that's what he sent me. Very nice. Don't know if you've got anything from that. Lots of tips there. I think the reason the adult male Has shit himself is probably because he's been eating a rabbit In next door's garden Good point If it was raw

17:32I'll tell you what I went for an eye test The other day First time I've been for an eye test Which at the age of 53 I think is pretty good But yeah did you have a question there About it? How about your eye test? Were you going to say something like that? No, I'm just pleased for you and glad you took the chance. Anyway, I went to Boots Opticians for a lovely Irish fella. Did the test, optician. I had a nice Irish lilt, very calm and very relaxing. To be honest, it was nice to just have someone else telling us what to do for a change. I gave overall control. I did that thing where I got the x-ray of my entire eye.

18:15Yeah. and you've got to sit, I don't know if you've done it, but you've got to sit and you put your chin on, like a chin rest and your forehead on a forehead rest. You've got a couple of chins. Which one did you use? I just used the, well, just the lowest one and I just spread the others out and over the plastic rest. Right. So he just said I've got to sit completely still in this position with my head in these rests. But I went on for about 20 seconds and I thought I felt like it'd be too long to take an x-ray photograph, you know. And then I heard the door of the consultancy room open and there was some mumbling.

18:50And then all of a sudden I just felt this massive smack around the back of my head. Oh, shit. And his voice says, Seen you! Oh, Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn. Yeah. You can't go anywhere, can you? No sign of the optician at this point. He's gone somewhere. Corbyn says, Look at you, holding your head still like you're some kind of show pony at the village fair. I thought, oh, God, here we go. I don't want to get out of this. He says, what's your best vision? Hey, what is it? I said, what do you mean, what's my best vision? I've never had an eye test before. I don't know how they work. I don't know what you're talking about.

19:30He says, is it better through the green lens or through the red lens? Green lens or red lens? I just says red because labour colour you know I thought he'd approve of that I don't think he's labour anymore to be fair like but whatever he says ask me my God ask me my best vision he says what's your best vision Jeremy he says 577 what does that mean don't know what that meant no idea he says bosh pick the fucking bones out of that one baby boy baffling baffling to be honest Bob yeah it is The whole thing. Weird. And then the door gets booted in, and it's King Charles, his sidekick. He says, all right there, Jez, is this the one whose teeth we're pulling out today?

20:18He says, shush! And he thinks it's an eye test. You got the pliers? Of course I got the fucking pliers, and the fucking king! Don't like where this is going. No, I don't. Don't like where this is headed at all. Then my x-ray appears on the big screen in front of us. Have you seen that before? It just looks like two massive orange orbs. Yeah, I see. You can see all the veins and everything. You can see the pupil at the front and everything. Charles says, Whoa, look at them. They look like a couple of planets. Yeah, I've had an idea for a TV show. It's me talking about all the planets and the stars and the constellations and that.

20:59We'll call it the night sky. I should say, that sounds a bit like the sky at night, which has been going since 1957. Yeah. To be fair, you can't go around nicking formats, especially ones that are as well established as that. Is that the fucking king? I can do what the fuck I like. And Corbyn says, anyway, it hasn't been on since 2023, so it's fair game. Shit happens. So the king starts to reach into his doctor's bag for what I assume is the pliers. So I just removed myself from the situation. in an unspecified way. That's right, yeah. So that's the end of that. I understand.

21:45It's better than an explosion, isn't it? I think so, yeah. Did you take anything from that at all? No, but it reminded me of me last test I had, and I get those floaters, you know, and they've always sort of worried me in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's all about. And she said there's a fluid reservoir are right at the bottom of your inside your eye right and he says she said occasionally it drips about a bit or something but anyway it was reassuring so i thought i'd pass that on she'd said to me um floaters no worries don't worry i mean they say these things but like how do we know they're telling the truth yeah well we need ai to get involved don't we because it hasn't got that problem you know it'll just tell you like it is

22:37Shall we have some questions from the parsnippers? Oh yeah, go on. I've seen a few. I'll just start off. There's one here. Jenny McAllister says, what should goths be doing to cope in this hot weather? I think goths can just do like most people do. They can just put their feet in a bucket of ice. or a washing-up bowl full of ice, but you have to make sure that it's black ice. Of course. So when you're making the ice cubes or whatever you're doing, make sure you colour the water first before you freeze it. Good advice. Because if you choose regular ice, if you're a goth, you could die instantly.

23:14Not the work, is it? I would think they should just hide under their feathers, you know what I mean? Yeah. Bisonhead says, what's the right pet for a single man? I thought, I instantly am a cat man, so I thought cat, but then I thought mouse could be fun as well. less maintenance. And then I realised cat and a mouse and then you enjoy the capers, you know. Oh, you could do, like Tom and Jerry. Yeah, like Tom and Jerry, in your own house. I would have said a budgie. A budgie's good. That's just me, though. Jason says, where has Arctic Roll gone? Used to be a staple northern dessert, but I haven't seen one in years.

23:50Well, I had Arctic Roll a couple of years ago, so I don't think they've gone. No, they're everywhere. He's not looking hard enough. They are hiding in plain sight a bit, you know, you want to be at B &M or Iceland or whatever. But I had one very recently and I've got to say, don't bother, it's not how you remember it. They're sort of shrunken and tasteless. It's the same with Freybent. There's some goblin pies and Neapolitan ice cream, they're just not like you remember, you know. Did you find that the Arctic roll exterior, the cake exterior was quite soggy? Soggy and very thin. Just had no clout, you know.

24:27Shit.

24:31Me and me, Lorcan, oh Mahoney says, me and my friend Jeff have made a band together. Right. And they're looking for a new band name. Yeah. There are two of us and we play all the hits. Have you got a band name? Right. Well, I'm sorry it's obvious because there's two of you and they play the hits. I thought the Twits. The Twits. Terrible name. But I mean, it's the only info he's given us. The Shits. The Shit Twits. Hits from the Shits. Something like that. Twittery shittery. Twittery shittery. Any of them you can have for free.

25:05A couple of weeks ago, Andy, I went to Sorrento in Italy with my son Tom for a few days. I had a trip to Pompeii. You know, see the bodies that are frozen in time? Oh, lovely. Yes. And to get some authentic Italian food in the town and that, you know. Right. It was really hot. worse than you know high like high 30s yeah so we went to the station to get this Pompeii train and you know like it is when you're abroad and you're shit I just got confused there was lots of different ticket offices there was like no obvious official one so this Italian lass approached us took us into her little office so I said like Pompeii train guided to a priority entry to the ruins.

25:52We weren't interested really, Andy, but you know, like we're UK tourists, sort of, like before we knew it, we had the wristband on and it was being rinsed for 100 quid. Shit. So, the lady thanked us and she said, she mentioned that the money would help her grandfather who was sick and urgently needed some jewellery to help him heal, you know. She gave us both a little mint candy to refresh our mouths. Sorry, it's not a great story I just thought it was a nice, it was interesting I enjoy tales of foreign travel so I'm enjoying it So we went on to the platform there's no shade or anything and both me and my son's heads started to swell up you know, you can literally feel them swelling up and then a bit further up the platform, absolutely true a lady about 60, oldish lady 65 or something And she collapsed and she looked like, she absolutely looked like a goner.

26:53And most people just ignored her. And then a bloke with a train, something to do with the trains, stood above her and like flicked some water in her face. His head was beginning to swell up a bit. I would say about a third larger than normal, but I didn't know him, so you never know. He turned to the onlookers and in quite a quiet voice, he went medical, medical. Then about 10 minutes later, an ambulance man, he was really overweight and had a great big mullet and a Metallica T-shirt. And he had like an orange boil or something, but he'd rolled it down so it was just trousers. He started putting on some, this is true, Andy, he started putting on some blue latex gloves and then he couldn't get them over it like his swollen hands.

27:43and the station bloke just kept flicking the occasional bit of water. She looks absolutely stone dead, Andy. Was she swollen as well, the lady? Do you know, I didn't look. I hate that sort of thing. So distressing. But no one seemed to give a fuck. And then the ambulance bloke, because he couldn't get his gloves on, he walked off mumbling something about pasta and sleep, you know. So we were still, she was still on the deck when the train came, so we got onto the station, bloke was still muttering, medical, medical. Train was packed like a furnace and you could feel our heads getting bigger and bigger and vision going in and out of focus a little bit.

28:26There was lots of Italians around, you know, talking about sleep and pasta and lots of tourists and we noticed that none of them had wristbands on. So we got off the train, we grabbed by this little skinny Italian bloke with tight denim shorts and an umbrella. he had a carrier bag with him, which I assume contained some pasta, a pillar, you know.

28:51Told us he was our tour guide and marched us into Pompeii. And he gave us a little earpiece so that you could listen to his tour. He had a little mirror on him and he said, he asked us both to look in the mirror. Our heads looked really big. He asked us if our heads were normally that size and we said, no, no. and he said well he would tell us if he thought they were getting dangerously big you know so that was reassuring first stop was some fucking ruins of a temple and me son bailed out said he was going to try and buy some water and he'd find us and then next was a dwelling where residents would have slept you know and eaten pasta yeah we walked around and there's fucking no shade and i was i could feel my head getting heavy like we're fluid you know oh god so i asked them i said can we find some shade please he took us down some passages and we ended up in a little stone outhouse one of them frozen bodies by the entrance and it had one wall high enough to give a bit of shade so i sat down because it was actually getting hard to balance you know the weight of my head was it quite a low wall it was it was just high enough there was just like a triangular shade you know what i mean I was thinking my head must be about three times its normal size by this point because the hat on my head was beginning to look like, you know, little silly undersized clowns.

30:16Was it hurting your neck? Was it hurting your neck? Honest, the weight of it. Fuck, man. I did roll it up at my chin a bit, yeah, and my lips were swollen. But I did manage to just say, medical, medical. And he opened. he opened his carrier bag, pulled out a metal syringe, and he said it was urgent that he drained me head, you know. And he also said the fluid fetches a good price. And he had a sick grandmother who needed some jewellery to help her heal, so we were both winners. He also pulled out a little syringe, a little syringe out of the bag, and asked if I wanted my ear wax removed. he said it comes out really easy if your head's swollen and the wax fetches a decent price he said that the necklaces grandmother needed is really fucking massive and every penny helps you know well I was having difficulty hearing so I just like nodded agreement he said he'd punch her and like deflate the head first so he placed the point of the needle on my forehead and I could feel it just begin to push.

31:29And just at that moment, my son returned. His head was fucking massive, about the size of a space hopper. And he just like weakly said, medical, medical. The bloke, on hearing it, he removed the needle from my forehead and explained that he didn't have a big enough receptacle to carry two heads with a fluid. So I said, oh, look, do my son first. You know, he's got his whole life ahead of him. So he placed the needle against my son's forehead and I noticed... Sorry. He placed the needle... He placed the needle against my son's forehead and I noticed as he did so that he was having a shit. It didn't seem right, so...

32:18I raised myself up and I immediately unbalanced because of my fucking head weight. It fell straight down onto him and the syringe pierced him in the chest or something. My son's still saying, medical, medical. I'm saying, medical, medical. And the guide is saying, medical, medical. And then the heavy metal ambulance man appeared and he fired at us with a CO2 fire extinguisher at their heads and they immediately started to shrink. and it was only 30 seconds maybe or so before me hat fitted again the guide was okay actually he'd fallen asleep during all the palaver said i asked the ambulance man said how how we knew we were here and he said that's impossible to explain within the parameters of this tale so we accepted that was true and asked asked if we could pay him for saying saving our lives like.

33:18He explained that 300 lira would be helpful as his mother was very sick and needed a new dishwasher to help her get better. I paid up, made our way back to Sorrento. And here's the thing, Andy. That night we ate at probably the poshest restaurant in Sorrento. And I noticed that on the table at the back was sat the ticket lady, the tour guide and the ambulance man eating a bowl of caviar and comparing new watches. Me and my son both wondered what inflammatory substance those mint candies had been laced with that she gave us. Of course. I don't know. Of course. Looks suspicious to me. Have you been to Sorrento, Andy?

34:03It was a good trip. No, but I'll book a trip quite soon. I think it sounds very interesting. It's a lovely place. That reminded me a lot of Tales of the Unexpected. you thought it was going to be South African I presume not for a minute you knew it was a true story I knew it was a true story but the ending was completely unexpected unlike most of the episodes of Tales of the Unexpected

34:33would you like a quiz Bob? yeah go on I always like a quiz it's not Dom is it, is it you? what? is it you doing it, it's not Dom Littlewood is it? no it's me Did you get my voice confused there With that of Dominic Littlewood No I just had a vision of him Barking at me It's the return of From centre spot to shit farm Which I think is the best quiz that we do I'm going to give you three football teams And I want you to put in order The distance between the centre spot At each football club And the closest sewage waste management Location Let's see Thank you. Love it. The shit farm. We've got three for you.

35:14We've got Rotherham United. Right. We've got Burton Albion. Ooh, I've been to Burton. And we've got Bristol Rovers. Now put them in order, please. Closest from centre spot to shit farm to furthest away. Or from furthest away to closest, whichever way you want to do it. Burton nearest.

35:37Rotherham furthest. So we're going Burton Albion nearest. then Bristol Rovers, and then Rotherham United furthest away. A bit worried about Bristol, but there you go. That's my guess. 100 % fucking wrong. And you love it. I love it. Rotherham United 3.2 miles to the nearest shit farm. Bristol Rovers 5.8 miles. Burton Albion 20.6 UK miles to the nearest shit farm. you better hold it in if you're at that match then yeah so there you are oh nice one god bless as always the people from infinity rockets they've sent me a wav right and it is a really interesting one so I'll explain I don't know if you know but Steve Coogan is playing Mick McCarthy in a movie that's coming out did you hear this Yeah, Saipan.

36:39Yeah. Yeah, weird one, isn't it? And he's playing Mick McCarthy. And the movie's about when McCarthy and Roy Keane had a big bust up in the Ireland squad. I think it was in Italy, wasn't it? And Royce dropped off and refused to play in the World Cup. Well, Infinity managed to get hold of a wow, of a meeting between Coogan and McCarthy when he was researching the role, you know, like interviewing Mick so that he got it right, got it all authentic. I'd like to hear that. Yeah, well, here goes then. Hi, Mick. Thank you so much for meeting up. Is that Steve Kogan? Who are you, anyway? You look like a bastard.

37:18I'm an actor, comedian. I'm playing you in an upcoming movie. Movies are for bastards. You don't like movies? I quite like inglorious bastards, but that's about it. So, Roy, tell me, did you get on with Steve? Sorry, I'm so sorry, Mick. Mick, tell me, did you get on with Ray Keane, Roy Keane is it, when you first met? Have a guess, you bastard. No, you didn't like him. Correct, he's a bastard. So where did you first meet? At the pub. And which pub was that? Bastard Arms. And can you remember the first thing you said? All right, Roy Keane, you bastard. And what did he say to that? Do you have a fawn, fella?

38:05I left mine at the bus station. And did you lend him your phone? I don't have a phone. Phones are for bastards. Oh, and is that why you fell out? Because you didn't lend him a phone? No, he fell out because he's a bastard who acts like a bastard all the bastard time and thinks people won't think he's a bastard even when he's acting a bastard. And did you think he was a good player? I wouldn't know footballs for bastards. But you were a footballer. Doesn't that make you a bastard? Absa bastard, Luke Lee. Biggest bastard of the lot. Who are you, anyway, coming at me with all these bastard questions?

38:46I'm the bloke off the TV. I don't watch TV. TV's for bastards. So what do you do of an evening, then? I dig holes in the bastard lawn with me sharp, every bastard spade. Oh, so you like gardening? in. No, I know flowers are bastards, grasses are bastard, vegetables are for bastards, apart from spuds. They're a bastard miracle. In fact, that's it. I'm up for some bastard chips. Good luck with your film, and if you see Roy Keane, tell him he's a bastard from me. And that's where it ended. Yeah. So, I don't know how much Steve will have got from that. Enough, I hope, for to portray Mick. Nice to hear.

39:28Strange thing to nice to hear strange thing to make a film about isn't it I think they've seen Ted Lasso and seen what a hit that was and thought let's try and do something like that where we have footballers shouting at each other or something I don't know I'm not sure listen up Andy I've enjoyed it very much and I hope that you continue to enjoy your Glastonbury I hope you do as well I hope you watch Moida 24-7 and I look forward to seeing you on the next occasion thank you that's nice cheers Parsnippers as always Thanks, Par Snippers. Thank you very much. Ta-ra. Ta-ra.