The Talksport Collection Vol. 2

0:00Everyone treats summer like it owes you happiness. Long days, pool parties, your best life on a loop. So what does it mean when you feel worse? The summer blues are real. It's why summer is one of the busiest stretches of the year for people starting therapy. Grow Therapy is here for all the moments when you decide you want more. More support, more clarity, more tools. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. The therapist you want takes your insurance on Grow. Grow accepts over 125 insurance plans.

0:38Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. Visit growtherapy.com slash start now today to get started. That's growtherapy.com slash start now. Growtherapy.com slash start now. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

1:16Talk sport goes from strength to strength, Andrew. Of course it does.

1:24And there was a good one as I recorded it. Interested? Oh, completely. All right. Jim White starts off with this recording. Okay. Hello and welcome back to Talk Sport with me, Jim White. It's difficult to actually express how excited I am to have the next guest on the show. I mean, put it this way, I've just thrust a metal scalpel into a plug socket to bring myself down a level or two. So here he is, ladies and gentlemen, from the BBC's Horns Under the Hammer, it's Martin Roberts. Welcome, Martin. And tell me, just how excited are you to be here today? You know, to be honest, I wasn't that excited, but after that introduction, I have to admit, I'm a bit excited.

2:14And you know what? I like it. Ah, good man. I'll tell you how excited I am to have you as a guest today. I've just swallowed a whole big tub of Greek yogurt that's two months past its sell-by date. It tasted disgusting, but the shock of it helped balance the pure visceral excitement I'm experiencing from having you on the show. So Martin, your new book is called But I Like It. It's an incredibly exciting title. Just reading it out has raised my left bollock into my uterus just from fear of the excitement that is bound to rush over me like a tsunami. What's your book about? And is it exciting? Well, it's mainly about all the experiences I've had presenting Homes Under a Hammer and the wonderful people I've met along the way.

3:08Do you know, on one occasion, I went into a house that I thought was a bit unusual at first, but I ended up quite liking it. Oh, steady on, Martin. You're painting a picture that's so exciting I'm going to have to take a fart into my jar of gherkins back after the break, folks. That's an advert coming up now, Andy. Right, yeah, OK. It was just a little bit of a pause because I had to lose out some news, a news item. Bears are large and intimidating Explosives are frightening Medical conditions can be life-threatening Extremes of weather can be ferocious But if you buy your building supplies But if you buy your building supplies from Noctjons Everything will be nice and very pleasant So don't fight a bear or wander around the desert just buy your glazes putty and plasterboard.

4:10Try Knockjohns, where everything is perfectly pleasant and the prices won't give you a heart attack. Knockjohns of Stockport, it's as safe as the houses you will build. Welcome back, folks. And I'm afraid to say that Martin has had to leave the studio because he's left his coat under the arches at London Bridge. Simon Jordan, how exciting was that sudden departure? I'm not kidding when I say my tits are starting emitting a low hum. akin to the starter motor of a Lancaster bomber. Were you excited by that exit? Not really, Jim. The man lacks eloquence and transparency. It's typical of these media types that as soon as an argument or diatribe is sufficiently prescient for their underlying frailties, they run for cover.

4:55I was bored stiff. Oh, God help us. Will someone pass me the Brunston? That's the end of it. so because it's just an extract Andy you know yeah of course it wasn't the full three hour show was it no no no no no

5:15talk sport right I got hold of a nice bit of audio from Jim White and Simon Jordan's Deadline show from last year how did you get that how did I get it I can't tell you Andy so if you'd like to be Simon Jordan Right. It's a nice little extract. So here we go. Oh, my word. How exciting is this show, Simon? It's like a roller coaster on the moon, just as an asteroid is about to hit. Do you agree, Simon? It's not really, Jim. It's just like listening to a sedated hippo underwater having a yawn. Oh, you're so contrary, Simon. This show is where it's at. All the last-minute deals as they happen, exclusive to our listeners.

5:59I don't mind admitting my descending colon is stretching to its limits and my privates are rotating like a Catherine wheel. That is how excited I am. I'm afraid you are facilitating an indifferent response to an inadequate premise. Like they say, a beach ball works just as well on a playing field if you've given birth to an idiot. What does that even mean, Simon? It means that we should move on from this transgression of moral perpetudes. Hold on, just hold on. How thrilling is this? It's sensational deadline day breaking news and we can reveal that according to my sources, Gillingham under 21 prospect Carl Forbes is going on a season long loan to Sutton United.

6:44It's a done deal. That's incredible, breathtaking, dramatic. It raises the very long hairs on my shoulder and I'm not ashamed to say it. What do you make of this bombshell Simon? Oh, I don't know the boy, but the financial model at Gilliam is indicative of the malaise that permeates and underthrusts the current status quo. It's contradictory between efficiency and efficacy, and it's not future-proof or sustainability. Well, that smell well maybe, but I think it's a good move for the lad. Time for a break while I hyperventilate. There's an advert. building supplies from yates.net make it easy just click and collect sometimes finding the right 12mm plasterboard for your job can be like peeling a carrot with a cat's paw running up a mountain with a lion in your backpack trying to extinguish a barn fire with a jiff lemon, reverse farting into a vacuum, climbing a ladder in handcuffs but with Yates click and collect You're just one click away from getting the 12mm you require.

7:53Don't try felling a tree with a lipstick. Just click and collect from Yeats. Welcome back, folks. And yet another deadline exclusive for you all. And this one is going to blow your minds. You're hearing it here first, and it's going to shake the system right away from the Premier League to grassroots. Listen up. Stockport County have made a last minute bid for all them athletics out of favour centre-back Josh Graham of£100 ,000. That's mind-boggling. It's fantasy. It's making my gallbladder vibrate so furiously. There's a real danger my tie will ignite. What say you, Simon? Well, Jim, I think it's illustrative of the malaise in the current paradigm of thought that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the optics involved.

8:42You don't pay the ferryman to rob Peter and then pay Paul. And remember, what goes up will continue to go up until the point at which it comes down. Madness. Absolute madness. And remember, you heard it for your first. More after this message. Is your face like an air-dried fig? Are your hands bulbous and powdery? Is your mind foggy and bent? Are your thoughts wayward and incoherent? then you need the Kiro XT air fryer with top and bottom heat distribution fans. Blows away your grief and despondency for just£29.99 plus delivery charges. Transform your appearance and your prospects with the Kiro XT multi-fan air fryer because conventional cookers are well shit.

9:29Oh, that's where it ended. I didn't tip after the adverts. All right.

9:37I listened to Talk Sport on deadline day Andy alright yeah I taped a bit of it and I enjoyed it so I thought I'd play it for you that's a nice thing for me to do play it for you innit Andy yeah is it just on a tape just on a tape I just taped it on my little cassette you know what brand is it Philips the cassette recorder Philips and what's my tape BASF B-A-S-F C60 or C90 it's a C90 just in case you know what I mean yeah don't get a C120 though because the quality is sometimes degraded Jim White is the first one you'll hear speak Scottish God you could do it welcome back and I don't mind telling you that I'm so excited I've inserted a feeding tube into my stomach and I'm pumping it full of Dundee cake as I speak listen to this Simon it's another Talkspot Deadline Day exclusive Maureen Finch, mother of Joey Finch the young Preston ball boy has agreed with the club that he will be allowed to continue as a ball boy until the end of next season what do you make of that Simon?

10:42it's quite incredible isn't it? Simon, well I don't know Mrs Finch but it sounds as if she's celebrating off the passive acknowledgement that her watch kettle never boils and the outcomes will surely be judged by the optics through which they are viewified it's great news for Preston and even better news for young Joey. How young is young these days, Simon? Especially on deadline day. Well, Jim, it depends on parameters and context and whether a piece of string has a length that can be determined without doubt or biasisation. It's a paradox to say there isn't anything other than that. Oh, thanks for that incredible and exciting analysis, Simon.

11:23More after this. There's an advert then, Andy. All right. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to buy plasterboard screws and I'm a builder. What chance has your average geezer got? I need two litres tin of antifungal exterior paint but I just don't know how to purchase the stuff and I'm a painter and decorator. God knows how Joe Public would get on. Frickin' nightmare. I need some silicon sealant for a sink installation but for the life of me can't think where I might buy it and I'm a plumber. The bloke on the street must be pulling his hair out, then wondering where he can buy a bag to put it in.

12:03I just logged on to Yates.net and bought myself plasterboard screws, paint sealant and a plaggy bag. How did I know this was the way to do it? Because I'm not a slack prick like those other jokers. Yates.net, for all your building stuff, even rubble and hacky shite. Yates.net, just click and collect. I love Deadline Day, I really do. It's more exciting than a paragliding over a minefield, and I've been there and done that. Now, listen to this, Simon. This is incredible. It changes the whole dynamic of today and the sport of football itself. Backwall Suari has turned down the chance to move to Luton Town, citing personal trauma as the reason.

12:45Now, what do you make of that, Simon? The boy's clearly a clown. Suffice it to say that these perceived personal reasons are not going to dissipate simply by staying put and mithering like a little old lady whose clothes are too heavy and she can't be bothered to take them off. It's pre-indicative of perception generated by false or outdated thinking. You should have made the move. You've hit the nail on the head there, Simon, as always, and it's put a downer on what should be the most exciting, incredible and joyous day of the year, But it won't stop me pommeling that Dundee kick into my feeding tube.

13:22You can be sure of that. More after this. There's another advert. Building supplies from Yates.net. Make it easy, just click and collect. Sometimes finding the right 12mm plasterboard for your job can be like peeling a carrot with a cat's paw, running up a mountain with a lion in your backpack, trying to extinguish a barn fire with a jiff lemon, reverse farting into a vacuum, climbing a ladder in handcuffs. But with Yates Click and Collect, you're just one click away from getting the 12 mil you require. Don't try felling a tree with lipstick. Just click and collect from dates. Not yet, yet, yet, yates.net.

14:03And that's how I ended the recording there. Did you end it or was it the end of the tip? It was the end of the tip. I got a C-15. Yeah, I got a tip. You've been taping other stuff before. You've probably been taping an album or something, haven't you? Yeah. Off one of your mates. Fleetwood Mac.

14:25Everyone treats summer like it owes you happiness. Long days, pool parties, your best life on a loop. So what does it mean when you feel worse? The summer blues are real. It's why summer is one of the busiest stretches of the year for people starting therapy. Grow Therapy is here for all the moments when you decide you want more. More support, more clarity, more tools. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. The therapist you want takes your insurance on Grow. Grow accepts over 125 insurance plans.

15:04Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. Visit growtherapy.com slash start now today to get started. That's growtherapy.com slash start now. growtherapy.com slash start now. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

15:32Oh, Andy, I was listening to TalkSport, Jim White, Simon Jordan, and they had a good guest on, so I thought, oh, I'll tape this, and it was all right, so I'll play it for you. that's a nice thing to do with the recording to play it isn't it Andy that's the best thing to do with it I think so yeah here we go just press play and I'll let you're not going to believe who is our next guest this morning I have literally broken my ball sack into 1000 delightful shreds to secure his presence on the show today to say I'm excited is the biggest understatement of the decade I am beside myself above myself and inside myself.

16:13And it feels good. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, the heavy metal man, the Blackburn cowboy, Mr. Gareth Ainsworth. All right, Jim. So, Gareth, what do you say? What do you actually say when you say things? Well, mainly, I say, keep your jeans tight, play guitar all night. How's that for you? that is incredible such a salient and perceptive insight it makes me want to go straight out and buy some skinnies in the fender mustang screw the sport let's rock what say you Simon? well from the point of view of the optics suggested by the statement it seems like an economical way of progress without disenfranchisement of the fanbase well said Simon I think we can all agree with that what about the trademark hairstyle Gareth, it's pretty wild and if you don't mind me saying, rebellious what's all that about?

17:15what is it all about? and I'm not talking to Alfie here I'm talking to you Gareth Einsworth is it about anything other than the hairstyle?

17:28it's a point of difference and it's what I'm used to if I feel comfortable with it, then what's the problem? the lads take the mick out of it and I'm fine with that. I don't mind showing a bit of vulnerability. If I look like a clown, then maybe people will underestimate me. I don't know. Maybe it's just a hairstyle. What say you, Simon? My love, my prince, my golden biscuit, my strawberries and cream. It's a hairstyle, Jim, that much is self-evidenced by itself. But it's also a brand, and without a brand there is not a shadow nor a snowball betwixt man and his conscience. It's not a fad for that reason.

18:10I approve. Oh, I think we can all agree with that, Simon, my prince. I have to ask you, Garth, about your daft pointy boots and your satin shirts. Is there something of the cowboy about you? Have you lost your horse and had to walk? Is the shirt dry clean only? Do you put your hand inside the boots when you clean them? Is the shirt a true satin or a man-made fabric? Might the boots explode if they overheat? So many questions for after the break. See you in a more after this message. Claim, claim, claim, claim. Now, now, now, now. It's a neat idea from Hobbs and De Freer. Need to sue someone for big bucks.

18:53Yeah, well, I could certainly do with the cash. How do I go about it? Just tell us who's bringing you down or messing you about. and that's it. We issue a writ demanding compo and you just sit back and wait for the payout. It can't be that simple, surely. Hey, watch it, mate. You're beginning to get on our tits. You don't want a writ dropping through your letterbox, do you? No way. Well, then give us a name, any name, and let's get started. Let's sue the shit out of someone and go halvesies on the cash. oh okay I'll do it my boss Alan Forbes he's always on me back about something sounds perfect let's bring Alan Forbes down into the gutter claim claim claim claim now now now now it's a neat idea from Hobbs and De Freer I'd stop taping after that I'd do sorry what happened then did you have to get on to try and get someone sued Did it sound like me in the advert?

20:04Well, I don't know. Maybe you'd heard the advert and thought, there's someone you fancied suing. Was it me? Do you want to sue me? I don't want to sue your man, but if I do, I'll get on to claim, claim, claim, claim. No, no, no, no.

20:20So, Andy, I was listening to Jim White, Simon Jordan's show on TalkSport the other day. It was a good one, so I taped it. I taped an extract. I'll play that for you. You've got your tape recorder there, have you? Yeah, there. Press it. So, Jim White, will you join us just as I'm in receipt of some breaking news that is going to change the way you think about the professional game. It's mind-boggling, earth-shattering, and believe me, you're going to want to be sat on a very absorbent surface to prepare for this. Oh, just get on with it, will you, Jim? You're ruining the optics. Well, this is it.

20:59Hold on to your loved ones. As of next season, referees have been instructed to use a Velcro strip to secure the sleeve pocket rather than the familiar press stud system. There you have it. Unbelievable. You know, just as we're getting used to the Velcro system, they come out and drop this bombshell. What say you, Simon? Has the world gone mad? Is this the end of the professional game as we know it? It's definitely a shift, but I think it can be accommodated within the current paradigm so long as people take a holistic viewpoint of the various manifestations it implies. Well, you can't argue with that, but it is just change for change's sake of all the fixing systems involved in the current game.

21:47Surely the sleeve pocket press stud system is absolutely sacrosanct, Simon. Time for change, Jim. We used to fix things with safety pins, but obsolescence is built into every fixing system. Just think of no more nails and other glues. They're developing in a place not previously deemed possible in the labyrinth of developmentalism. That's a great point. But will you at home be renewing your season ticket, or will the demise of the Preston sleeve pocket be the straw that broke the camel's back? I'll be taking your calls after this short message. Hey mate, your car looks shit. And that reflects badly on you and your family, to be honest.

22:29Why don't you buy a new one? Can't afford one. I've spent all my spare cash on air fryers. Ever considered a fuss-free loan? There's no such thing. There's always a catch. Not with David C. John's loans. Just sign and drive. It really is as simple as that. Never heard of them. Are they reliable, honest and transparent? Yes. Well, as far as I know, they are. So why delay? I won't. It's your car time, by the way. David C. Johns loans. What's the C for? Sailing ships in. Best loan associator day of my life. Thanks, boss. David C. Johns. Just sign and drive. Well, we've had over a million calls already about this Velcro debacle.

23:19and I have to say it's pretty much a 50-50 split. One thing's for sure, though. It's an end of an era. Surely the game will never be the same. Your thoughts, Simon? Well, outcomes, that's the key word. Will it adversely or inversely affect suitable outcomes? Will those outcomes be transfigurated or reframed by the replacement fixings, Jim? That's what you've got to ask yourself. And that's what we all will be pondering on this momentous day. and I have to tell you that my gallbladder is already squirting excess acids into my upper colon due to the stress of it all. So, it's all changed on the referee's sleeve fixing front.

23:56Goodbye to our old friend the press stud. When will they stop meddling? Time for the news and sport now with Melody Frank-Purter. So, it's quite a nice extract now. Yeah, it's very good, very informative and interesting.

24:15zuouch

24:26The Is The Into Thank you.