976. - Steven Phillips-Horst

22:55I've never had a sensual massage. I'm going in there like an athlete. I want pain and I don't even get off on that. I want both. I want the hardest possible massage in both senses. I want elbows into me like full body weight like destroying me and then it slowly builds to a sexual climax. Okay, question. How much does that cost on average? Yeah. For the whole thing. It depends. It depends. Some people are trying to get an arm and a leg out there and they're not even delivering. I got, okay. Here's a bone, okay? I got a massage recently in London. I got a bone. I got a bone and there was no bone.

23:29I got a massage recently in London. It was not cheap. It was like 130 pounds or something. Okay. From a gay guy in his apartment. I'm thinking, I know where this is going. Let's go. The massage was advertised on his personal website as a nudist or no, naturist massage. And the description of the massage says, both of us are nude to increase the spiritual connection between bodies. This is how massage was taught in ancient India, whatever. I don't know. I'm like, awesome. Great. I know where this is going. I get there. He gets fully nude. I get nude in his like sad condo, whatever. I'm face down.

24:05The whole massage go by was the worst massages I've ever had. The least sensual. His hands don't get anywhere near my taint. Just not even anything. And even where he's on my shoulders and the rest of my body, there's nothing, his heart is not in it at all. He was checked all the way out. And I was like, and he's just nude with his flaccid dick there the whole time.

24:25Jason Stewart:There's no reason for him to be nude. There's no ball rubbing up against the elbow on accident. What was this ancient art of co-nudity? I didn't get it at all. That is shocking considering what was advertised. That feels like the most coded language possible. Are you going to dispute the charges? Call Amex. I went back to the website. It wasn't me. And it did say something about like... He has an AI chat bot that's like, is there something that we can do to fix it? Yeah, something we can do for today? Is there anything else I can help you with today? Would you like to book another massage for your wife?

24:57And I was like, and it was like, you know, just like this is a professional massage or something. The word professional was used as code for like non-sexual. And I was a little like, what the fuck? Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. How did it say I'm gay on the website or did you just feel that? The face said in a genetic way, I'm gay. Have you seen the popular videos that are trending right now on reels where it's like they're outside of bars in different parts of America. Oh, I see. Yes, yes. And it's always what you don't think. And it's the gayest looking guy and then the next guy says that guy straight.

25:35No, every guy says the guy they see a picture of is gay. Yes, is gay. It's the best thing I've ever seen. It blows my mind. Every time I can't look away. It's the best content I've ever seen. Every guy thinks the other guy is gay. Even though you know exactly what's going to happen. It doesn't matter. Even though it doesn't have that classic comedic element of surprise. It still tickles your fancy. No surprise.

25:53Jason Stewart:Do you think there's a chance that in post-production they clean it up to where it's only people saying gay? No, Jason. No, this is an absolute documentary. There is no, nothing untoward. Jason, it really isn't. Editing process on a reel. Jason, it's like a drunk guy in the hood outside the bars at Houston wearing Subie jeans being like. I'm familiar with the work. Is this guy gay? And they're like, oh, he gay as hell, bro. they're not picking the people who do say that guy is straight is what i think jason is saying but i'm just saying if yeah if you go up and say like no he looks like a pretty straight guy you know they're not putting that in the edit going straight to the recycle bin have you guys ever hung out with drunk straight guys in regular places i think they're going to say any other guy is gay i think that's obviously it's it's at least 50 50 well you know i think the the note behind the note you know the hat on the hat that took behind the joke there is that obviously these straight girls are so insecure in their masculinity that everyone else needs to be gay in order for them to feel straighter chris needed to hear that that's what's happening i really want to go on i really want to go on it i'm like desperate to be on it like i'm willing to go to the city and be be some i'm like willing to get drunk you just want to say other guys look gay even though you think they're straight or you want to be like you have to say they're gay or else you're not going to get screen time chris you know that right exactly yeah i want to i want to say i want to say the foul i want to go as crazy as i see these guys go i want to try to imitate my favorites and see if i can sell it the way they do yo yo son that guy's a pedophile what the best one is there's like oh no he day as hell bro and then they and then it gets it gets progressively more intense as it goes on yeah the enthusiasm but i think alcohol and drugs are at play i think that's the real driver of the of the medium right like most great arts so maybe this is like you want to pretend like to be drunk again to kind of recapture that feel and could you do it if you're acting through the lens of calling guys gay he's going to to relive i found a way sober era what all right so what have you learned living abroad is this your first time making a large move you're you're in scotland to be clear sorry steven i i i pal i pal i'm in scotland i'm in edinburgh home of the fringe festival i and so i've kind of become like a fringer i mean i moved here last year because my boyfriend and my fiance oh congratulations do they allow that over there thank you so much uh yeah they they just pat the king just allowed it charles congratulations that's big that's big it's all right in scotland it's okay you can go up each this kilts where's a what oh well scotland's a pretty gay place overall though right um like in the sense of the kilts like men in skirts as a vibe is gay just all encompassing ellen you know just i would say it's a lot straighter than england england is gay they're all little fancy little bitches and they're quite like you know dandy right whereas scotland it's like they're real men eye pal like that are you like you know the strong men with their muscles and their kilts.

28:51We done a kiss when we have sex. Aye, aye, aye, aye. We can't kiss. Whereas in England, they only kiss. They only kiss and there's no penetration. That's not what I've heard. But I, okay, so you've been there for how long now? A year. Okay, you've been a full year. We moved here last fall because he was getting his master's in botany. I'm a botanist's wife. Okay, well, I'm glad. I hope you have a plan to make money. All right, so. I'm the only one making money. He's a full-time student. I'm bringing, See, he can't ask me to pick up the dry cleaning or whatever because he's not making money. So he's kind of like cucked all day.

29:27That's good. That's hot for you. No, I can tell him to take out the kitty litter. And he's like, all right. But we both do the litter box. Not now.

29:36Jason Stewart:Daddy's doing this Patreon. Yeah, exactly. He's getting a master's in botany. And can I ask? I mean, obviously, I don't know any full-time Ikebonists or botanists. But what is the goal career-wise once this degree is received? Here's what I want him to do. Weddings. Just florals at weddings, okay? Gorgeous roses. I don't think there's any way to make more money as a botanist than to do wealthy people's weddings. So here's the real way to make money as a botanist. You can get hired by Pfizer to go be like a jungle explorer finding rare plants in the Amazon that will cure cancer. and they pay you to be this like christopher columbus ass 21st century okay so pfizer pays you to be a colonizer interesting career choice okay he doesn't want to do that because he's so like wants to be in like academic research or whatever but i'm kind of like let's get that pfizer coin up in here you know what i mean one for you one for them okay so in technically if that was it let's say he goes and gets the job at pfizer against his will could he change his Instagram bio to Explorer, which is very hot.

30:46I mean, I guess. Yeah. He would be one of the few who can. Yeah. That's a rare. I'm saying that's a rare career in today's because people say Explorer and they mean Internet Explorer. You know, this is real boots on the ground. Yeah. Shears up. Yeah. You know, what's that? The Adventurers Club. I mean, that is a very British thing to be like, I'm going to the South Pole. Yeah. It's very.

31:07Jason Stewart:I'm going to see what it looks like. On a curious journey. So what is your, so on a weekly basis, do you have amazing freaky arrangements around the house? You doing tree fucking? You fucking in the trees yet? Oh, you mean like, is he bringing like florals like from the outside? No, he's not. He's so very like, okay, you know like gays who are like, I'm a plant dad. Like, I like plant. Like he's very anti that. And he calls those people amateur horticulturists. I'm against that too But I just thought if you have the touch It's so nice to have that in your I know he's coming at it from a different angle And I respect that But as a non-bill payer It would be nice Here's what he does We went to Puerto Rico As one does When we lived in America And you want a cheap weekend trip He is smuggling an orchid That he stole From a hike In his bag back to New York Because it's a species maybe we can't get in our climate Exactly.

32:08It's a species that you don't have up there in climate. And he's like, oh my God, this is such a cool orchid. Like technically it's illegal to like bring in this war or whatever.

32:14Jason Stewart:Technically it's like a federal crime, but like what else? It's a federal crime and he's an orchid thief. So he's doing, you know, interesting stuff like that. But then it's like, I'm making it sound so glamorous. Like the orchid is so fabulous and huge. And it is like pretty small and kind of like brown. And he's like on like putting on a piece of bark. And you're kind of like, oh, I just thought that was like a piece of dirt. It's still rare though. He'll bring it back to life. He's got to catch them all. He'll bring it back to life. No, there's definitely a Pokemon aspect. So when he comes home from class, are you able to talk about this stuff?

32:45Or is it so boring and also like over your head that you're like, I don't, I can't.

32:49Jason Stewart:Can't do another dinner about bark, Steven. Yeah, you know, listen, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I feel like it's probably, you know, at the same level as when your wife comes home and she talks about the office and like the, although I can. Well, see, the problem is I kind of like that. Like, I like when there's some freak at the office that I get to hear about what they do and why it's weird. Yeah, he's talking about his other, like, students and, like, oh, there's, you know, there's this gay guy. There's this, like, autistic girl. There's, like, 17 other autistic people because they're, you know, they're all.

33:22I was about to say that the crossover of autistic people and gay guys seem like the only people that would take this as a master's course. Yeah, it is. It is very gay. And it's very autistic. Now, do you kick it with any of the homies from his class? Like, do you guys go get pints? I've met some of them. Some of them are cool. There's like, there's kind of some, because it's also clearly jealous of his botany friends. Uh-huh. I can sense it. I have my own friends. Okay. I have my own really cool friends in Edinburgh that I've made. And I don't need science friends. Some of them are cool, I guess.

33:52Listen, you have to like change your expectations when you're living in a fourth tier city. Like, I don't know how much, I mean, I know you guys travel, but you live in the hubs, you know, and you live in these cultural hubs. um you know when you go to a place that it's like it's really a far-flung destination you you change what you're doing okay honey i'm going to fucking pub trivia like i'm going to trivia nights yeah and like the questions are about like whatever like dr strange or like that show that i've never seen or like dr who dr who like you know and i'm kind of like okay i didn't know that one but like oh maybe oh that's a greek word i think you know kind of like Peaky Blinder Wednesdays down at the tavern.

34:33More chips for me, please. When you're 39, these are the kind of things that you have to do. And sometimes you like that peace and quiet.

34:39Jason Stewart:You're not listening to Frost Children, that's for sure. What's that? I think it's brave of you to relocate to a place like that. I think I would be intimidated. I mean, I know that there's a scene there and it's considered, obviously it's a cool, beautiful city, all jokes aside. Glasgow is kind of more the like cool city where it's like more like drugs and like art students and like it's grunky and like fucked up and dark and like Edinburgh is more like posh and like there's like a lot of international students but it's kind of just like oh we're quiet and fancy. That sounds pretty good to me.

35:11Indy parents.

35:12Jason Stewart:Chris likes Marin County more than Oakland. So that's the exact same. That's a good analogy. I'm a West End girl if that does anything for you. That does anything for you. You would love it here. No, this is totally your people. Look at some old chairs, take a nap, and then have like a great zucchini dish for 27. Oh, God. Don't get me started. Honey, the zucchini for 27 in this town, it'll blow your mind. Now, how is the food? Because you still look very svelte. Thank you. Well, I've actually, get this, Chris, okay? I've joined your little club temporarily. I haven't been drinking all month in preparation for the French.

35:51Okay, so explain to our listeners who aren't dorks what Fringe is. What Fringe is? Only the largest theater festival on earth, Chris. But it's an alternative. It's not, this is not, they're not doing famous productions. This is sort of let your freak flag fly in the black box theater.

36:12Jason Stewart:It's the Olympics of the one-person program, the one-man show. Yes. So it started in the 60s as the Fringe, literally a Fringe Festival, to the Edinburgh International Festival, which is more like you're doing, you know, whatever, a production of Angels in America, etc. But then, and it was more like, we're being crazy. It's morphed in, you know, similar to other like, you know, Art Basels or whatever. It's now become the much bigger one. And it's now like, comedians come here with like full PR teams to like launch their new big show. and they hope that they become Baby Reindeer. They hope that they become Fleabag.

36:47And they hope they get an SNL or SNL UK. It's just for laughs. I'm going to be the next Mary Beth Barone. Everyone's trying to be MBB up in here. And all of the shows are like one folk shows that are very like, it's always like, I got in a car accident and that's why I'm trans. Like my dad died and that's why I'm bi. Like it's always like trauma, autobiography, like personal story, one person show.

37:17Jason Stewart:Some Hannah Einbinder shit. Yeah. And a lot of people are doing solid, you know, straight up stand up, like normal ass stand up. Like what's the deal with men? What's the deal with cars? Like they're doing that for sure. And there's a lot of like, you know, I'm sorry, the world is a dumpster fire. like that kind of Volana Glazer perspective is still very much popular at this current juncture of like comedy festival and then there's a lot of yeah more of the like slightly more narrative one folk shows and then there's stuff like what I'm doing which is like completely genre bending and no one else is doing and it's really fascinating totally different totally different and there's also people who are like juggling and shit too don't forget about that part oh honey there is so there is so much magic okay so I was I did I did this show last year And it was like the amount of fucking magicians that I was surrounded by.

38:12I shared a dressing room with this guy who was like the most like adorable, beleaguered, straight male musician. Like, you know, late 30s, like totally bald, like very cute, always hustling in his velvet blazer on the street, trying to get people to come to a show, handing out flyers. And then like he would do his show and he was incredible. Okay, this guy was doing shit with his hands that honey, okay that I would pay hundreds of pounds for Adam massage parlor from a blind person Flaccid or not My mind and he's doing it, you know to fucking 10 15 people a day in this in this little black box theater And he was incredible and you know everyone is out there hustling But then there's these big-ass magicians who are like kind of more cocky These would be David Copperfields.

38:57They've got massive ad campaigns around the city They bought millions of dollars worth of billboards. They're selling out circus tents. There's 300 people coming in there every day. And they're doing so much David Blaine-ass, like, you know, pyrotechnics, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

39:10Jason Stewart:So Edinburgh is a place that would have a billboard for a magician. Only during the festival. Only during the festival. Only during the festival. Not year round. Those come down. Then we go back to normal things. But do these sort of rich, stoic locals, like, enjoy this freak fest? or are they sort of like, this is ruining our town the way that like South by Southwest did or whatever? You know, it's a little bit of both. Obviously, in a small town, you have to be so grateful for like the tourism that comes to your village. And like, they're not like so rich that they're like, it's not like Nantucket where I just like, there's been such a backlash against influencers as I was just seeing in New York magazines, The Cut.

39:48I'm sick of these hot blonde women being persecuted, but that's my issue. They're having a tough go at it. Yeah, they're having a tough go at it. It's just, You know, it's an issue of real estate. But, you know, with... No, I think they're, like, excited. Again, it's, like, a simple place. People are like, oh, like, I'm excited to go see a show. Like, let's go see a show. Like, when I saw Melania in theaters at 11 a.m., there was, like, 15 Scottish people in there. And I was just like, what? That's big.

40:13Jason Stewart:The Melania Trump documentary, to be clear, this was not a show at the Edinburgh Fringe. No, this was not, like, a hilarious one-folk show about Melania drag. So fringe maybe doesn't mean what it used to, but like what level of celebrity is coming? Like this year, can you name a few? Kristen Schaal is coming. Okay, Kristen Schaal is definitely the Shane Gillis of the Edinburgh Fringe. She's big. But like last year, like Rosie O'Donnell was, she wasn't doing the entire fringe, but she was doing like a week or two or something. My girl, Amanda Knox is doing a show. What the helly? Yeah, so she has pivoted to being like a mom podcaster who podcasts about like - Big though, she's big.

40:53I think it's working. Yeah, it's definitely working. I mean, she has all that name ID. Foxy Noxy. Miss Foxy Noxy. So she's doing like a week-long run at the Gilded Balloon. So I'm definitely going to have to see that. I'm jealous. Jealous she got the balloon. I'm jealous she spent a year in Italian prison, okay? That's what I'm jealous of. She's a female murderer that's realistically a major city six and a half. But because she murdered someone, she's a 10. That's what's so bad. Like Foxy Noxy is, is a overstatement to say the least. And it really, but it's so catchy.

41:24Jason Stewart:But as far as murderers go, oh yeah, she's just, oh yeah, top. She had the dewy, you know, gloss of youth in her murdering days. She did. No, no, for sure. She was young. She was a young murderer. And I also think that the study abroad, it was like, it was the perfect, the Madonna horror complex, right? Where it was like, she was so like pale and rosy cheeked and innocent in Seattle. And like, and the study abroad made that even like more heightened. and then the fact that she was accused of this crazy sexual crime made her so much more deviant so like that's what made yeah her such a sex pot hey look mom mom podcaster is better than you know only fans maybe not monetarily but for her certainly not monetarily for her mental health for her mental health okay but that's a good you bring up an interesting question why not both talking about editing earlier and what you leave on the recording room floor like how much work like is it only like i look at the only fans creators and i'm like fuck these assholes like they literally they like bait us all day long on instagram and get us like follow their only fans and then they're just like kind of jacking off and maybe getting ahead from some kind grinder a week and they're pulling in two million a month but is it actually a lot of editing work you know what i mean jason i mean jason you and i edit our podcast it's a shit ton of work it is it is thankless we deserve all the fucking life 10 achievement awards from the commission or whatever so you're so you're saying maybe this guy he's getting 10 blow jobs a day off of Grindr, but only one of them is good enough to post on OnlyFans, and he's actually dealing with so much cum leaving his body that it's tough?

42:52Jason Stewart:I wonder. I wonder if it's harder than it looks. I think there are probably editors that are making a fortune specifically working in that genre is my guess. And if they are hiring, my email address can be found below. Just kidding. Am I right? What a dream job. I get to edit porn all day? I'm fully desensitized to it at this point. Like, I don't even get hard. I just want it. It's work for me, babe. Watching porn. Well, Stephen, do you think you could be proposing this question as a coping mechanism for your jealousy of these OnlyFans creators who are willing to just show half a hole and bring in two million a month where you're, you know, we're starving artists over here in the hovel.

43:36No, I mean, I, you know, you have to question every day, like, what is this notion of, quote, dignity we're holding on to? Quote, integrity? You know what I mean? On what planet do I think that I have integrity when I am forced by my little pay pigs to go online every week and talk about Jennifer Garner? Is it any worse than forced to go online every week and jack off? I don't know.

43:57Jason Stewart:No, with Patreon specifically, no. It's in the same - But if you switch to an ad-based model, then you'll have some dignity back in your life. I don't have any dignity, and we still have an ad-based model, but that's a separate issue again that I have to work out on my own. Yeah, no, I mean, I think you used the term before, digital panhandler, which I am. Yes, I'm living in a prison of my own creation where I'm leaving money on the table because I made up a dumb term five years ago that I thought was funny. And you're too proud to ever cross that line. Maybe you're a digital busker, add a little bit more of an Edinburgh feel to it.

44:36Jason Stewart:Doing an Amy Winehouse cover in the tube station. It's no different. it's not it's it's not different really yeah just hit the qr right there thanks so much but how do you feel about your do you think your output has been better or worse or different like being being relocated with maybe more focus on it i don't you know i definitely kind of had this fantasy it was like i would go here and like be surrounded by nature and be like and this is when i write my novel um and it's been a little bit more like this is where it's dark all day and The winter was like nine months long. I feel like I produced a lot less living in like a less exciting city.

45:12Jason Stewart:Well, that seems like ideal writing conditions, by the way. Yeah, kind of. So how many books have you finished? Here's the thing. I actually do think that it's a more is more thing. We're living in New York, you know, surrounded by so much culture and vitality and going to readings and openings and closings every week that it does kind of force you to like get in the mix more. And you're like, fuck, I have to stay relevant. And like here, I'm kind of like, who cares? But I think I'd be happier at this slower pace of life. You actually are? You actually are? Honestly, not to be so 39. I mean, who knows?

45:45I could be, I have to tell myself that, right? I can't say no, I'm worse off. Yeah, of course. Of course. But where, what is the plan? Where would you go if it was up to you at this point? Now that you've had this experience, do you think you can ever come back to the greatest country on earth? Here's why I don't want to come back to the greatest country on earth. I'm not going to have a backyard there I have a two bedroom Plus my podcast studio Here and I have a backyard Okay where am I getting that In Los Angeles Well you could get that in many cities In America maybe not necessarily Los Angeles For the same price but if you want to Check out you know

46:23Jason Stewart:Some other locales I mean listen I hear Des Moines is beautiful this time of year I think that if I I don't know, as a person who needs the energy of a city, I don't think I could function like that. But if I was forced to do what you're doing, I might come out. I might also decide that, you know, you only know because you know now. Like you wouldn't have ever left New York, probably. I think, you know, also I can hop over to Glasgow. I can go to London. And I do, I love the nature. I love the pastoralness. I feel like I'm in my Marie Antoinette, like when she went out to her little petite trianon, you know, and she pretended to be a farmer.

47:00How far is Glasgow? Honey, it's 40 minutes on the train, okay? It's closer than Harlem is to Bushwick Literally, door to door 45 minutes Two places I've never been, but I believe you What about, how far to London then? That's going to be like four, four and a half hours, mate But it's a lovely train ride, okay? You're along the coast, you're looking at the gorgeous

47:21Jason Stewart:You're drinking beers out of a can in a paper bag You fall asleep, you read a book, it's nice You're jacking off in the paper bag You keep checking your pocket that the GHB is still there. Yeah, what's up with gay stuff in this city? Like, are there parties you can go to where the DJs start at 1 a.m.? Honestly, there's plenty of gays. I mean, it's very, like, queer. It's very, like, there's a lot of, like, lesbians with canes who don't need them. There's a lot of gay guys. There's, like, a monthly gay party that goes back and forth between Glasgow and Edinburgh. Isn't that so cute? and it like it just it's always traveling and you'll see people at like in the glasgow one then you'll see them at the edinburgh one um and then there's afters and people go back to like someone's flat and they all do drugs and have sex till seven in the morning how are the well how are the drugs like what's in the top drug right now you think okay people are definitely doing um three mmc that's still big that sounds like a that sounds like a fucking bra size bro what is that You know what that is.

48:24You've heard of that. I actually, I've heard of 2CI maybe. Oh my goodness. I don't think I've heard of this. Jason's pretending he's heard of it. I don't think he has either.

48:32Jason Stewart:No, I've heard of it, but I Googled what it was because I forgot. It's a synthetic stimulant chemically related to amphetamines, MDMA, and methadrome. So these pussies won't just do coke. They have to do some fake shit. No, but that's in New York too. I mean, 3M and 4M. No, of course. I first encountered 4MC in Marseille like five years ago. What a chic sentence. Is it better than Coke? I mean, it depends on the quality, sweetheart, okay? I think it has more of like a euphoric kind of ecstasy part of it and less of the let's start a business part of it. Is pizza better than pasta? Some are. Some aren't.

49:07I'm sorry. I didn't mean to force you to choose. That was wrong of me. There's a lot of... Listen, of course, as I said many times, I'm 39. I live with my cat and my fiance. say we have a very bucolic life on one income but occasionally i have seen drugs out and about i will say i don't think it's very good the stuff they're getting here because it's like the farther away you get from colombia you know what i mean or miami or new york it's like the shittier the

49:33Jason Stewart:product is that's true is there is there like a gay club there like a what is your version of the basement is there the the cellar or something like that where you can all congregate there's a place called sneaky pete's which is kind of like the one like cool like kind of techno club and they will have gay nights but then there's what we call the pink triangle which is where the gay bars are and there's this like super basic place cc blooms that's going to be your gaga that's going to be your like all ages like we're talking like daddy and like a really tight like plaid shirt zara larson night on wednesday um zara yeah zara home it's more zara home than larson yeah it's more zara home than zara larson look wise but then there's like this cool place this street which has this like dope ass like basement club and they're always being like acid house and like it's kind of like a mix of like old heads but then kind of like younger gays and like that place is kind of dope okay that sounds like where i would go you know jason you would love As a music lover.

50:35Yeah. No, you would like the street. You would like...

50:38Jason Stewart:I would hang out in the tri. You would hang out in the tri and you would go to the street. And then maybe you'd hit up like a dope-ass party in Glasgow and like stay out on it. Jason, the street is the name of the club, which is confusing. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Yes, it is. But it's across the street from CeCe's. Terrible for SEO. Terrible for SEO. You know, we don't care about that kind of stuff in our small town. Okay, so this one-person show that you're doing, Stephen, it's called The Last... Mad Man? Yes, thank you. The last Mad Cis Man. Is this a play on Mad Men, the TV show at all, or any type of Madison Avenue referencing?

51:14You're extremely presumptive. Referencing? And in fact, it is. He read that somewhere. Don't get, don't, don't.

51:18Jason Stewart:No, I did not. No, I did not. I was able to put Mad Men and Mad Men together. It's not really that big of a... You didn't have to do your homework to do the homework. You know what I mean? It is, it's a narrative. It's fictional. and it's a women's show about, that asks the question, what if the last man on earth were an advertising copywriter? And so it's about me playing this kind of delusional man who's alone at the end of the earth and he decides to rebrand the apocalypse. So it's sort of a gonzo, I'm calling it Beckett meets 30 Rock. I've never read anything by Beckett, the playwright, but I do know that he writes plays.

52:00There's a little bit of Death of a Salesman in there, but it's definitely like a kind of 30 rock density of jokes. But then with this kind of like deeper pathos, joke density on par with 30 rock, that's big. Yeah, that's, that's what I would say. I mean, we're talking a laugh every 15, 20 seconds here. Oh, wow. But then it also has, you know, there's a lot of pathos. It's about consumerism, identity, politics, and climate change and sort of the intersection of those agents. Okay. So this is, this is kind of your Hamilton then. Yes, yes. This is me. You said all these, you said you tell all these jokes, but is there any rapping or musical element available for the viewer?

52:35I'll say this. There is original music made by me on Ableton. Okay. So all my producer heads out there. Wow. Save some for the rest of us. Jesus Christ. Okay. Good grief.

52:47Jason Stewart:I know Steven is sick with the Ableton, but are you rapping? Do not rap. I do not. Thank you. Thank you. Now, maybe Amanda Knox raps in her show. I could see that coming from her kind of mom podcasting aesthetic. aesthetic that would be kind of cool actually if she laid something down a tight 16 okay so you you're you're talking about how your fiance getting his master's for botany and we're but we can also go into the pfizer world and then you know you're you are a performer comedian you know yeah it's a match it's a match made in heaven you have all this stuff but then you're also you know fascinated with advertising and marketing and sort of that corporate side of things i'm seeing yes in addition to being a botanist wife i've worked for many years in branding and you guys i do this too i mean especially you chris i know like you you're a brandist you're a strategist yeah i'm a brandist all right you're you're a creative director chris is down to grab some time with you on wednesday and chat yeah i've got a couple i got a deck i'd love you to touch if you just yeah if you just look at my calendar and see when i'm available it's totally yeah whenever whenever works for you um but you know i worked for many years doing this kind of stuff as a copywriter for various agencies um worked for a lot of startup brands worked for a lot of big brands and this was sort of inspired this play was inspired by my experience like doing all that i worked for this company gin lane do you guys know emmett shine maybe you know i'm familiar with gin lane we're familiar oh yeah i worked for gin lane for like two years and i worked on a ton of projects great how many fucking how many pink colored crock pots did you have to write about.

54:25Oh my god, girl. You know what's funny is I look back on so many of those brands and they're all defunct. None of them survived except this Israeli Tupperware brand called Silo. And it's like a vacuum sealer. Not the Israeli Tupperware brand named Silo. That is fucking insane. That was the name we came up with. That was the team. There was weeks and weeks of naming. It was a different time. I like the name Picnic, I remember. That was one I was pushing for, but ultimately the founders went with Silo. Well, that feels like that era of sort of direct consumer brand gold rush, I think, has long since passed us.

55:04So I think if one of those survives, that's a win, I would say. And you know, that era also coincided with the golden era of podcasting because all those companies were paying for the podcasts. They were taking out ads. For sure. It was a fucking pyramid scheme.

55:19Jason Stewart:Mattress startups were paying my bills. Yeah, I mean, thanks to Lisa, my mom got a new king. So shout out to them. Lisa's a mattress company. Oh, L-E-E-S-A, that mattress. Well, we still, it's funny because we still get, I mean, some of those original podcast advertisers are still the one. I mean, like Squarespace is still one of, has been our advertiser since the beginning and still is. It's kind of crazy. Right. You were mentioning that working with a Pfizer could be like a good end goal for your fiance's botany. is this one person show a means of attracting more advertising business or is this your way of finally getting out of the advertising world and becoming a true artist i want it to be the ladder but you know every time one of those emails comes across my desk there i am going oh sure caitlin absolutely yes next week is amazing for a call i would love to hop on a call and sign an nda before i have the call so we can talk about the work we're nothing i love more we're gonna do for etsy all of our great artists are getting paid the most money by brand so you know essentially no i yeah you know looking at it as this could be a good calling card of like this i think this creative strategist is going to be a funny person yeah it's going to come back no and this could be my my entree into the delaney row world right where i'm the stuff i'm already doing just so seamlessly starts to integrate with the spawn con that's the way to do it brother bills are piling up i mean you're you're spawn con and you you figured out how to do it mostly in the food and bev space i feel because that's kind of like where you're most comfortable uh we we do a lot of fashion where you have the most where you have the most authority i say that jason there's a handful of guys that can do it because they have jobs and they make it funny and otherwise you can't do it as a man, as a straight man at least.

57:09And I use Jason and Raven as my favorite examples of like it works and I don't necessarily know why.

57:15Jason Stewart:Two tall, slender guys, nothing else different about them. Yeah, but it does not work for most, I will say, on my timeline at least. I would argue that it doesn't work for any guys, but I like the idea of trying. You know what I mean? I'm willing to make a fool out of myself to try. But not a gay male comedian or is that not a man? I don't consider them men. Comedians, I mean. I agree. The sexual preference is not, comedians aren't men. They're different creatures. Yes. It's definitely a lesser Antilles of the genders. It's lower. Yeah, it's its own thing. On the totem. No, I mean, I would love to not have to write copy for brands anymore.

57:55At the same time, though, it does give me joy. And part of the reason I wrote this show is because I love manipulating people. I love both the client and then the kind of population who is going to interact with whatever sort of marketing. You double dip with your manipulation. You're playing both sides. Absolutely. And there's such a joy in that of convincing people that you're right. You're convincing the client that you're right. This copy you wrote for this whatever medical. I remember working for this company once and they called it medical food because they couldn't get the FDA approval to call it a pill.

58:32or something and it was like they were like this is medical food that helps your other medications and it was for people who are taking like statins for like having like high cholesterol and it was just like what the fuck is this it was so evil i've been to some restaurants that taste medicinal but i i've never had medical food per se so you'd like to do less of that

58:53Jason Stewart:well maybe this can propel you into a creative director position well no but i guess i'm saying like I also still enjoy that and like every time that comes up I like I've feigned that I'm like oh my god doesn't it suck to be like a fucking corporate show like I just want to be a true artist but I'm like actually that's joyful like when I used to when our podcast used to be at I heart before we were fired unceremoniously we like we would always do ads and like I had so much fun reading those ads like that was like a that was a really like a fun like set of limitations to express yourself as an artist.

59:27Jason Stewart:Well, I got about seven to do after this. If you want me to email them over, we'll give you a feed. I would love to just chop it up a little bit with some of those scripts. Get back in there. What do we got, Jason? I don't even know. What ads are you doing? We have to look at our email from our overlord named Kenan Kush, our boss. He's not an overlord. He's an ally. I just want to freestyle one ad. You got it. It's coming up right now. We got Quince, Squarespace, TaskRabbit, BetterHelp, ShipStation. We only fuck with the good stuff. Those are all the classics. Let's start with Quince, okay? Every day, I wake up with my husband and my skin itches.

1:00:08Something awful. It's 9 a.m. and I have a huge meeting at the office, but I can't focus because I'm scratching my skin. I thought it was my air filter. I thought it was the air quality outside because of the wildfires that are ravaging Canada where I live. But no, it's actually my sheets. Where can I get high quality, delicious, linen, soft, medical grade sheets for me and my family? I searched and searched online until I found the answer. And the answer is Quince. Quince is the everyday stable that works harder. and their ultra soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

1:00:51What? Sorry, Quince makes sweaters now? They've got everything over there. For 36 % off, enter code Jason is a beautiful man. 2026 at checkout. That's quince.com slash Jason, all capitals. First of all.

1:01:13Jason Stewart:You know, Steve, you know when you watch, first of all, you know when you watch those videos of old guys who are in the Vietnam War and they're in the hospital in their deathbed and they play an old song from the 50s and they start coming back to life and moving. Watching you do an ad read was like watching a dormant soul be awoken after years of torment. It is true. I miss it. I miss it so much. I felt like I unclipped the rubber band around your wings. I want to get back. I'm sure some advertisers would let you do it just for sport, just for fun, A podcast ad read is an improv game that gives you money versus taking the money away from you.

1:01:53All I'm saying is, you know, you guys, just remember how good you have it. Remember how lucky you are because this can all go away in a minute. I think about it all the time. It can all evaporate.

1:02:04Jason Stewart:It's true, and it's good that we have things to fall back on. They also make linen, just FYI. I don't know if you knew that. I'm not a huge linen guy, but they do offer it in several styles because it's hot here. at least. Maybe not where you are. I just got two pairs of linen pants on eBay last week, Chris. Linen's hot. I hate it. Wrinkles. Don't like it. I like hard pants. Yeah, but it's light. We all live in a subtropical climate now. Thank you, Global Army. So you need all your linen pants. I would rather wear shorts or sweat. It's kind of where I'm at with it. Why? Because the aesthetic is too what?

1:02:40You feel like this douche guy.

1:02:42Jason Stewart:He doesn't like the light wrinkly. It's the wrinkles. No, I just don't like the way... Yeah, it's very comfortable. It's very practical. And I'm sure the nicer it gets, price-wise, the less it wrinkles and the better it is. But I just don't. I have an affliction. You don't want to feel like Andre Balazs in Ibiza? I mean, I do. But that's the 2mm. That's not the pants, I think, that are going to put me there, is what I'm saying. So you're never going to cross the picket line, the linen line? This is like a no-show song for you? I've worn linen before, but I will never wear linen again. I just don't.

1:03:15Yeah, it's just not for me. It's not for me. I really, really like, not like hard. I'm not a freak. I don't need to wear like work wear, but I just mean jeans. Damn, denim and that wildfire heat that you guys have in there? Yeah, Chris. A heavy denim. That's really intense. No, that's what I'm telling you guys. I would rather wear shorts or jeans at night or whatever. I know you go to the gym. I know you're Miss Kettlebell, so you got to show off those calves. You got to show off the work that you've been doing. I am Miss Kettlebell. Well, I just think that shorts get such a bad... I don't know why there's this narrative that you shouldn't wear a shirt.

1:03:48I just am like, I don't agree. I feel like that narrative is from the 80s. No, that narrative, it comes up every summer. Every summer, there's 10 articles.

1:03:57Jason Stewart:As I've gotten older and have been wearing shorts for so many years of my life, I now will look at guys out in the world and say, it's okay if you're wearing shorts, but the way those shorts are looking on your body should not be happening. Certain people should not. It is more difficult to make shorts work for a body, depending on the body. Would you guys ever wear a kilt? I've worn a Tom Brown skirt before, a few times. Not a faggy little Tom Brown Hitler Youth skirt to a fashion show. I mean, would you wear a kilt to your cousin's wedding? No, because it's not my culture. That would feel wrong.

1:04:40Jason Stewart:If I was Scottish, yeah. I don't want to do stolen valor. Yeah, it's like when white guys wear Timberlands. It's not our culture. I say it's always like you shouldn't. It's just like, you know, there's certain things that I can't do. And kilt is not my culture. I can't wear that. Oh, live a little. Live a little. They would love it if you wore a kilt. I'm okay with it. What do you wear underneath the kilt, though? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing, lad. That's the whole thing. That's the whole thing. Like real ones don't wear anything. No, and you let your balls out, and it's so freeing. having all that space in there interesting i think jason's back i will see like kind of old timers like usually kilter you wear them only like a wedding or whatever or like a nice event yeah or if you're like you know playing bagpipes for tourists funeral um or you know doing sex um but i will see like old timers wearing just like a kilt and like a t-shirt and sneakers which i think is kind of like a badass look and they're just like having a pint oh yeah it is kind of chic i like i like it too i think it's very cool if that's your culture i think it's very cool yeah i think we're way past it being gay i think nobody cares about it is so much frankly straighter than the tom brown skirt yeah definitely yeah i agree like a lineage of william wallace because it's plaid because it's plaid but also the way that the fabric moves is like quite it has a heaviness to it that is actually quite structural and manly even though it's like all this pleading on the back that's like very like you know 1950s sock hop but like it's i think it feels pretty manly i think it feels pretty manly too i agree touch the feel of tartan the fabric of our lives yes the the fabric on our dick i have a i don't have a family tartan either so i can't that's another reason i can't wear it we could rustle you rustle one up for you same reason i can't wear a pinky ring i don't have a family signet so you know family crest steven what about this ring linen Kilt for summer.

1:06:32Jason Stewart:Quince.com slash how long? Oh my god. Chris, would you ever you know when you see Brad Pitt at Lake Como with a linen suit on? You wouldn't do that? That'll break the internet. No. I really don't like linen. I don't know what I just don't. And I'm not really a fabric head. I'm not really adverse or I don't love or not love fabrics in general. Linen is the only one I have feelings about. You have an open mind with textiles. Exactly. Famously. It's just the rapidity with which it reaches wrinkledness. Yeah, it's just... A crisp linen suit, the first five seconds you like it and then it's over. But it's supposed to be wrinkled.

1:07:09Yeah, no, I know.

1:07:10Jason Stewart:When I first got into linens, I would steam it and Carolyn would put her hand on the steamer and say, no, no, no. Yeah, don't. Oh, natural. No, I understand what it's for and how it's supposed to look. I do think like the readier you are, maybe the better you, you know, like a Warris the jeweler probably looks great in the linen, who I heard about recently. You just heard about Warris recently? Yeah. My co-host Lily hosted a weird contest in Times Square with Curtis Sliwa and Warris. I was like, that's the most random group of people I've ever heard. Sounds like that was the point of that. I haven't heard of them since 2009.

1:07:46Jason Stewart:Actually, speaking of Lily, she's doing a show in LA this Thursday. I'm very jealous. I have a lot of FOMO. July 30th, 9.30, imported from Boston. Lily's doing a show at the Lyric Theater. And Jason will be... Ocean-flavored comedy. You're doing stand-up. I'm not doing stand-up. You're doing your type 10? I'm not doing stand-up. I'm doing... Ported from Boston is funny as fuck. No, you got... The flyer is an old absolute vodka ad, and then it's her... She's in the water in the ocean, sort of running towards the bottle of vodka. It's good, but I think we're going to be doing some literal improv games where there's going to be some sort of like summery, beachy related characters going on.

1:08:33Jason Stewart:Okay, but you're just showing up no homework. I'm showing up no homework, only the skills of improv that I have instilled in me through. That you've been hunting for hours on podcasting. Where are those? Because I've never seen them. But if you, I believe, if you say they're there. Come by the Lyric Theater on Thursday, honey, you'll see them. I would love to be there. I would love to be there. But also, since I've never done this before, I think she's padding my position. you know she's gonna be like oh you're gonna play like an orange county surfer guy or whatever you know it's not gonna be yeah yeah a huge difficult challenge a huge you don't have to play an elderly female cancer patient who's on her last legs at the beach you're more i think i think you could do cancer very easily you're so he does have a cancerous look about him i agree he does have a cancerous look guys guys hold all the compliments till the end wow we are at the end uh something You just scream cancer.

1:09:24You just give cancer. Steven, thank you for joining us. When is the show? When do you premiere? It's always a pleasure, you guys. You're two of my favorite men in the Manosphere. Thank you. So the show premieres August 5th, and it goes all the way to August 30th. Every day, I've got a couple days off, but the whole month of August in Edinburgh. So if you want to come see what many people are saying is the most exciting, smartest, and funniest show of the year, come check it out. That's called The Last Madman. All right, bro. Well, we appreciate it. Thank you for joining us as always. Congrats on the show.

1:09:57And I'm sure it will be a smashing success. Jason, we do have to do ads, right? Yes, we do. Thank you, boys. Love you, Steve. Good to see you. Have a wonderful day. Bye. You too.

1:10:26Jason Stewart:Good energy in. Good energy out.

1:10:34Jason Stewart:Storm. Zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support. Storm. Energy for life.